Category Archives: Winter

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

Pickles and Books and Bedrest

I rested this afternoon while Ava played at the neighbor’s and Hyrum played upstairs. I rested, restlessly because there is so much I want to do but can’t, or shouldn’t, or something like that. Hyrum came down and climbed on my legs like a bridge to the other couch, stood on the piano bench waving a tent pole, gave me kisses, and asked for pickles. I considered letting him get them out of the jar on the table himself, but knowing I’d have to clean up shards of glass and pickle juice all over the floor, I jumped up to help him.

I opened the drapes and wondered pathetically, what makes me happy? What used to bring me happiness? I just feel like I’m sinking. It’s pathetic. Is it my hormones? The seemingly endless sub zero temperatures outside? Feeling guilty for doing anything other than laying on the couch? And then guilty for just laying on the couch? (Thank you bed rest).

Gosh I feel like the biggest whiner, but these feelings are legit. I’m struggling.

Hey, I find joy in my children (that crossed my mind.) So, I invited Hyrum up on the couch with me–with his bread spewing crumbs like confetti and his cute race car underwear. He seemed so enthralled with old McDonald, laughing at all the noises (why have we not done this more?) and then peed at the start of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

I ran with him to the bathroom probably faster than I should.

I called Jake at work because  I was too bored and down and all kinds of emotional to wait three more hours until he came home.  He answered, “Hey how’s it goin?”

“Oh I’m just calling to say hi or talk or I don’t know I’m just…” to which I trailed off without words because I couldn’t even get them out. He could tell what was up and was obviously in the middle of something and said, “Hey I’ll call you back in a bit k?”

Silence on my end because I couldn’t even get out an “ok.”

After a few deep breaths (and tears) I did, and got off the phone. Then Hyrum came tromping down the stairs one foot at a time holding a book above his head, “Read book Mom, read book.”

So we sat on the couch reading books and I really enjoyed that.

Ava came home and she’s now dishing up bowls of ice cream for them on the kitchen floor and I’m back to (bed) resting. #mamanotes

How cute are they?! I love how they play together (even if they make big messes doing it.) It really has been so helpful this pregnancy.

A Growing Heart

While I was penguin walking up the stairs this morning in my robe and overdue-for-a-shower hair, feeling the weight of this growing bump in my hips and the icky cold that’s been going around, Ava stayed right at my side, looking up at me.

Surely she was wondering why mom was looking so disheveled.

“How come you keep looking at me?” I asked in my raspy congested morning voice.

“Because I just love you, and you made my birthday feel so special.”

I stopped and looked down at this little five year old, who just a few years ago hardly noticed the significance of such a day. It sure meant a lot to hear that. Last night against the heaviness of our tired eyes and achy heads, Jake and I stayed up late putting together her new bike and decorating the house with streamers and balloons. I didn’t want to stay up, I wanted to go to sleep. But things like this just make birthdays feel so special, and I knew Ava would love it. It was only eight in the morning and she was already spilling over with a grateful heart.

I spent most of the day on the couch, too sick to do much of anything, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t be more involved in doing special things for her on her special day. But she didn’t see that. She saw all the ways I was trying and said thank you so many times for making it the “best birthday ever.” (I think her first ever birthday party over the weekend helped with that. :))

In five short years, her cheeks have thinned, her curls have softened, and her little heart has grown. Or maybe that was mine. She is a radiant light that has only gotten brighter in our family over the years, and she is teaching me how to be more patient, selfless, and grateful (among so many other things).

At the end of the day while I worked in the kitchen finishing up her birthday dinner (she requested chicken stir fry), she ran around me like a little worker bee, putting away dishes, setting the table, even sweeping the floor for me. When I asked her why she was doing all that she said, “Because you’ve just made my birthday so special and I want to help you.”

Ava you surely bless us.

Fair are the meadows

I woke up to some hefty tantrums from my two year old, was already feeling emotional for whatever reason (feeling trapped in winter, lingering sicknesses, pregnancy hormones, etc.) and by the time Jake was heading out the door to leave, I could hardly say goodbye through my tears as I put the kids’ socks and underwear in the drawer.

Later that morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes from the night before, staring at the hazy mounds of white and bare branches out the window. Winter has been hard this year. It’s only January and yet I am feeling so trapped in this cold, insatiably dreaming of warm places and green trees. Even the desert sounds dreamy. Cliche as it all sounds, these feelings are so drowning sometimes.

Lately I’ve been trying to focus on getting things done, playing with the kids, and appreciating every ounce of sunshine that beams through our windows. I am trying to be positive, to keep my head up.

This morning I sang hymns while I did the dishes.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer the moonlight
And all the stars in heav’n above;
Jesus shines brighter,
Jesus shines purer
And brings to all the world his love.

As I sang the words to this children’s song, I realized they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing.

Jesus is fairer. He is more than all those meadows and flowers and beaches that I long for. He can make my sorrowing spirit sing. I need to be reminded of that. While I wait for those beaming rays on my legs and toes, He can be my light and my warmth.

As I finished the song, I felt a calming peace around me, like I was being wrapped in a hug. It filled me from the inside out–every longing hushed. His Spirit was there, lifting me from my sadness, reminding me that He is there, He is always there. I felt the Savior’s love, and that was more filling than any sparkling seashore or desert sand that I have so lately craved.

I really needed that, and Heavenly Father knew. That’s why He sent His Son to be our Savior, because we really need Him, every hour we need Him, even when we don’t realize it at first.

Grateful for that reminder today. He made my sorrowing spirit sing.

Happy Birthday Bug

Dear Hyrum,

On your second birthday you woke up before the rest of us and laid down on the floor next to our bed, still gripping your little elephant on its matted trunk, as usual. I heard the quiet clicks of your binki clip as you walked, waking me just enough to see you fast asleep on the floor again. I scooped you up and tucked you into the covers between us. “Happy Birthday Bug,” I whispered as you tried your hardest to fall back asleep. “Happy birday,” you repeated, as you always do.

Grandma made us eggs for breakfast, fresh from the chickens you love to see in their yard. It was your cousin’s wedding day, and we had lots of errands to run and places to be. You were so patient sitting there in the backseat with your sister, falling asleep for a time, then playing with the little train you got for Christmas. At the temple I was busy taking family pictures while Daddy carried you around in your sweater and socks because we couldn’t find your shoes in the car. You just loved being out there and you loved being with him.

Then it was off to the restaurant to get food with family, and while we were eating you stood up in your high chair and pulled a candy bin from the shelf next to us. You just sat there with it for a while before we even noticed! You LOVE sweets, but you were a good sport when you had to put them back. You had plenty of them at the reception though. You sat under the table with your cousin playing with spoons and eating cookies. Then you were running around with your sister and your cousins, only stopping long enough for me to change you into your dragon pajamas at the end of the night.

Oh how I love you Hyrum. These days I can’t seem to soak up enough of you–your laughter, your quirks, your hugs. I love playing with you and watching you play. You are so sweet and so fun.

 

It is a few days after your birthday and our first day home from the trip.  Ava was so excited to celebrate your birthday today—to eat cake with you and give you your gift and make it special for you. She really loves you too.

Dad was also excited.  He drove you and Ava through a blizzard to the neighboring town to get you a special ice cream cake so we could sing to you and eat cake with you. (He may have been the most excited about that cake 😉 You love having him home, and he loves being home with you. Whenever you see him you run into his arms saying, “Daddy home! Daddy home.” Today he made a fort with you and Ava downstairs and helped you set up the train set that we got for your present. You really love trains, and it’s the cutest thing the way you say choo choo.

We love you dear Hyrum. We love you so much. We are blessed every day to have you with us!

Happy Birthday little bug!