I rested this afternoon while Ava played at the neighbor’s and Hyrum played upstairs. I rested, restlessly because there is so much I want to do but can’t, or shouldn’t, or something like that. Hyrum came down and climbed on my legs like a bridge to the other couch, stood on the piano bench waving a tent pole, gave me kisses, and asked for pickles. I considered letting him get them out of the jar on the table himself, but knowing I’d have to clean up shards of glass and pickle juice all over the floor, I jumped up to help him.
I opened the drapes and wondered pathetically, what makes me happy? What used to bring me happiness? I just feel like I’m sinking. It’s pathetic. Is it my hormones? The seemingly endless sub zero temperatures outside? Feeling guilty for doing anything other than laying on the couch? And then guilty for just laying on the couch? (Thank you bed rest).
Gosh I feel like the biggest whiner, but these feelings are legit. I’m struggling.
Hey, I find joy in my children (that crossed my mind.) So, I invited Hyrum up on the couch with me–with his bread spewing crumbs like confetti and his cute race car underwear. He seemed so enthralled with old McDonald, laughing at all the noises (why have we not done this more?) and then peed at the start of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I ran with him to the bathroom probably faster than I should.
I called Jake at work because I was too bored and down and all kinds of emotional to wait three more hours until he came home. He answered, “Hey how’s it goin?”
“Oh I’m just calling to say hi or talk or I don’t know I’m just…” to which I trailed off without words because I couldn’t even get them out. He could tell what was up and was obviously in the middle of something and said, “Hey I’ll call you back in a bit k?”
Silence on my end because I couldn’t even get out an “ok.”
After a few deep breaths (and tears) I did, and got off the phone. Then Hyrum came tromping down the stairs one foot at a time holding a book above his head, “Read book Mom, read book.”
So we sat on the couch reading books and I really enjoyed that.
Ava came home and she’s now dishing up bowls of ice cream for them on the kitchen floor and I’m back to (bed) resting. #mamanotes
How cute are they?! I love how they play together (even if they make big messes doing it.) It really has been so helpful this pregnancy.