Category Archives: blessings

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

A Growing Heart

While I was penguin walking up the stairs this morning in my robe and overdue-for-a-shower hair, feeling the weight of this growing bump in my hips and the icky cold that’s been going around, Ava stayed right at my side, looking up at me.

Surely she was wondering why mom was looking so disheveled.

“How come you keep looking at me?” I asked in my raspy congested morning voice.

“Because I just love you, and you made my birthday feel so special.”

I stopped and looked down at this little five year old, who just a few years ago hardly noticed the significance of such a day. It sure meant a lot to hear that. Last night against the heaviness of our tired eyes and achy heads, Jake and I stayed up late putting together her new bike and decorating the house with streamers and balloons. I didn’t want to stay up, I wanted to go to sleep. But things like this just make birthdays feel so special, and I knew Ava would love it. It was only eight in the morning and she was already spilling over with a grateful heart.

I spent most of the day on the couch, too sick to do much of anything, and I felt so bad that I couldn’t be more involved in doing special things for her on her special day. But she didn’t see that. She saw all the ways I was trying and said thank you so many times for making it the “best birthday ever.” (I think her first ever birthday party over the weekend helped with that. :))

In five short years, her cheeks have thinned, her curls have softened, and her little heart has grown. Or maybe that was mine. She is a radiant light that has only gotten brighter in our family over the years, and she is teaching me how to be more patient, selfless, and grateful (among so many other things).

At the end of the day while I worked in the kitchen finishing up her birthday dinner (she requested chicken stir fry), she ran around me like a little worker bee, putting away dishes, setting the table, even sweeping the floor for me. When I asked her why she was doing all that she said, “Because you’ve just made my birthday so special and I want to help you.”

Ava you surely bless us.

Fair are the meadows

I woke up to some hefty tantrums from my two year old, was already feeling emotional for whatever reason (feeling trapped in winter, lingering sicknesses, pregnancy hormones, etc.) and by the time Jake was heading out the door to leave, I could hardly say goodbye through my tears as I put the kids’ socks and underwear in the drawer.

Later that morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes from the night before, staring at the hazy mounds of white and bare branches out the window. Winter has been hard this year. It’s only January and yet I am feeling so trapped in this cold, insatiably dreaming of warm places and green trees. Even the desert sounds dreamy. Cliche as it all sounds, these feelings are so drowning sometimes.

Lately I’ve been trying to focus on getting things done, playing with the kids, and appreciating every ounce of sunshine that beams through our windows. I am trying to be positive, to keep my head up.

This morning I sang hymns while I did the dishes.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer the moonlight
And all the stars in heav’n above;
Jesus shines brighter,
Jesus shines purer
And brings to all the world his love.

As I sang the words to this children’s song, I realized they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing.

Jesus is fairer. He is more than all those meadows and flowers and beaches that I long for. He can make my sorrowing spirit sing. I need to be reminded of that. While I wait for those beaming rays on my legs and toes, He can be my light and my warmth.

As I finished the song, I felt a calming peace around me, like I was being wrapped in a hug. It filled me from the inside out–every longing hushed. His Spirit was there, lifting me from my sadness, reminding me that He is there, He is always there. I felt the Savior’s love, and that was more filling than any sparkling seashore or desert sand that I have so lately craved.

I really needed that, and Heavenly Father knew. That’s why He sent His Son to be our Savior, because we really need Him, every hour we need Him, even when we don’t realize it at first.

Grateful for that reminder today. He made my sorrowing spirit sing.

Minnesota Road Trip

A few months ago we decided to take a weekend away exploring some more of these northern parts of the US. So, we packed up and explored Minnesota and the north shore of Lake Superior! It was such a great trip. Unfortunately my morning sickness kicked in during the tail end of the trip so anytime I even thought about it (the whole trip) I would get a nauseous feeling and my mind would go back to those fig newtons and oat bars in the back seat. You know how sometimes you associate nausea to something you ate while sick? Well I did that for the WHOLE trip! And I didn’t like feeling that way, so I made a little video of our time there together and all the fun we had and now that nausea is completely replaced by good feelings. 🙌

In just four days we packed in so much and had a really great time together exploring so many new places– Mall of America, Duluth and Lake Superior, a mansion tour, an iron mine, hikes and waterfalls, and so many fall colors. I think it’s a pretty popular place to go and see fall colors in this area of the North. And, you know what people are called who go somewhere to see fall colors? LEAF PEEPERS. Ha! I just learned that the other day and thought it was kind of funny. So just think, you are a leaf peeper if you go up into those pretty canyons to see colors each fall. How great.

Anyway, I wrote down a few notes in my notes app on my phone while we traveled.  This is what I do when I really want to remember something but don’t have time to write out mama notes or a journal entry–of course, intending to make these notes into something like that soon after.

Well, I never got around to writing those entries, so I’ll just share these raw little notes I wrote along the way.  My memory probably wouldn’t be able to piece them together very well anyway (it’s why I write these things down! :))  It’s funny how reading over these I was reminded of things I had forgotten already!

On our way to Fargo. Over-researched hotels. Hyrum frustrated with Legos.  Ava whining of boredom. “I just want to be there.” Drove past combines harvesting grain at night. Lights on, dust.

Mall of America–Hyrum’s excitement. Ava just wanted cotton candy. Braved the roller coasters. Finally had Mexican food. Yum! Flying over America.  Dried breadsticks and pizza. Byu football in the hotel. Kept curtains closed with a pen and cap. We all slept until the morning. So well.

Duluth–Glensheen mansion tour. Hyrum wanting to go everywhere and touch everything but can’t. Skipping rocks on Lake Superior. Jake liked the boat dock. He said, “Someday we’ll get something like that. And a big boat.”  Ha! Kids excited about hard hats at the Soudan Iron Ore Mine–considered the Cadillac of iron mines. 6’8 tour guide–very knowledgeable. Hyrum: “Eeeya!” Getting rust all over us as they run around everywhere and we struggle to keep them by us. Very cool tours though.

General Conference on the radio while driving through tunnels of fall colors. Talk on Joseph Smith. Felt the Spirit witness truth.  Lost service while driving through the woods, the colorful trees. Listening to conference on the way home–through the north woods, the area with many lakes, leaves kicking up behind

One thing I do remember particularly–On our trip we listened to a lot of the LDS General Conference that was streaming live that weekend. It was pretty neat listening to all these inspiring, uplifting talks and songs while we drove through such beautiful places.  However, we lost service quite a lot. While we were driving up the north shore of Lake Superior, we lost service right before the Prophet spoke. I remember feeling so sad about that–I wanted so much to hear what he had to say. By the time we got service again, conference was over and we were about to stop to get something to eat anyway.

The next day when we headed home, we played a lot of the talks that we missed during the previous days, including the Prophet’s talk.  I just remember feeling so grateful that we have a Prophet, and we can hear or read –through His chosen leaders–what God wants us to know for our day anytime we want! It’s such a blessing.

A Prayer for Under the Bed

At bedtime we ate carrots and sat on my bed reading books; the kids fought over the flaps, listened to the stories, and eventually settled down into their own beds. I turned off the lights and propped myself on a pillow next to Ava. She was curled up on the pillow next to me, hardly budging when I asked her to scoot over a bit. “But I’m scared,” she said. I switched her spots so she was closer to the stream of light seeping out from the doorway. I started to tickle her back as I had done the past few nights, but she didn’t seem to settle. The babies kicked inside. I took Ava’s hand and placed it on my stomach, “Want to feel them move?” Her hand was tight and her body still curled.

“It’s ok Ava,” I said as I sat up and wrapped my arm around her. “I’m here with you.”

She told me that she was afraid of goblins under the bed.

We talked about how goblins aren’t real–that they’re just made up for stories. She seemed a little relieved but still wanted to look under the bed. I started to get up to look for a flashlight when she said, “Can we just say a prayer?”

I sat back against the pillow and wrapped my arms around her again as she sat up with her arms folded. She repeated each phrase I said as I prayed, giving thanks for our blessings and the day and the things we could do, and asking for comfort and reminders that we are being watched over.

“And please bless the twins that they will be healthy and strong, and help me to not be scared…” she added at the end. Her body seemed to relax.

After a few moments of quiet I asked her, “How do you feel?”

I waited for her to respond. She was quiet.

“Do you feel calm and peaceful?”

She nodded, but didn’t stir.

I told her that I felt it too, that we really were talking to the heavens, to our Heavenly Father, and that He was listening. I whispered to her that that peace comes from Him, from His Spirit that He gives to us because He can’t be right here with us.

I could feel her breathing slow and deepen. She went right to sleep in those next few minutes, sitting up in my arms, her own arms still folded. She was comforted by a simple prayer and the feeling of being loved and watched over by the God of us all. I felt a heavenly peace there with us in that room, answering the prayer of my four year old.

I know that He really is there and listening. He will always give us His peace when we come to Him.