Category Archives: Thoughts

Making Improvements

I just finished studying the talk, “Joy and Spiritual Survival” by Russel M. Nelson from last year’s General Conference, and I loved it so much. The other day I thought of the scripture in Ether (12:27) about how through the Grace of our Savior–a real power to do what we can’t do on our own–we can overcome our weaknesses. –Because “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Phillipians 4:13)

Right now I feel like my weakness is succumbing to the difficulty of my circumstances and often times focusing on the negative–or at least not resisting the temptation to. I miss feeling joy more consistently. Some of it is due to my crazy pregnant hormones, but there is definitely room for improvement–more gratitude, more focus on the good, better use of my time, and more trust in the Lord.

SO, my recent focus/goal/effort is to look to Him to overcome–to learn how to have joy in the midst of trial. I brainstormed some steps I think I need to take to have this fulness of joy…

1.  Focus on the Savior. Think of Him, lean on Him, turn to Him often.

-Make my prayers more sincere, take more time to pray and ponder

2.  Limit the influence of the world.

-Guard my time and exposure to worldly things.

-Social media once a day–not an excuse for boredom. There are such better things I can do!

3.  Free time (on bedrest)

–family history, gospel study, cards/calls to others, embrace my kids!

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

(Isn’t that scripture just so comforting?)

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

Fair are the meadows

I woke up to some hefty tantrums from my two year old, was already feeling emotional for whatever reason (feeling trapped in winter, lingering sicknesses, pregnancy hormones, etc.) and by the time Jake was heading out the door to leave, I could hardly say goodbye through my tears as I put the kids’ socks and underwear in the drawer.

Later that morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes from the night before, staring at the hazy mounds of white and bare branches out the window. Winter has been hard this year. It’s only January and yet I am feeling so trapped in this cold, insatiably dreaming of warm places and green trees. Even the desert sounds dreamy. Cliche as it all sounds, these feelings are so drowning sometimes.

Lately I’ve been trying to focus on getting things done, playing with the kids, and appreciating every ounce of sunshine that beams through our windows. I am trying to be positive, to keep my head up.

This morning I sang hymns while I did the dishes.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer the moonlight
And all the stars in heav’n above;
Jesus shines brighter,
Jesus shines purer
And brings to all the world his love.

As I sang the words to this children’s song, I realized they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing.

Jesus is fairer. He is more than all those meadows and flowers and beaches that I long for. He can make my sorrowing spirit sing. I need to be reminded of that. While I wait for those beaming rays on my legs and toes, He can be my light and my warmth.

As I finished the song, I felt a calming peace around me, like I was being wrapped in a hug. It filled me from the inside out–every longing hushed. His Spirit was there, lifting me from my sadness, reminding me that He is there, He is always there. I felt the Savior’s love, and that was more filling than any sparkling seashore or desert sand that I have so lately craved.

I really needed that, and Heavenly Father knew. That’s why He sent His Son to be our Savior, because we really need Him, every hour we need Him, even when we don’t realize it at first.

Grateful for that reminder today. He made my sorrowing spirit sing.

Shaping Moments

Those of you who have subscribed to this blog, or even those of you who stop in here and there were probably wondering why I stopped writing or posting or sharing my mama notes here or on social media over the past few months…

…and then one day all these posts and notes from the past few months showed up on my blog. What happened?

Honestly, these past few months have been kind of rough (if you read the updated entries you can read more about it,) so I didn’t really feel like sharing much during that time–and quite literally I just didn’t have the energy to.  I did write in my journal here and there though–some notes and stories that I wanted to remember, and even just as a way to express how I was feeling.

When I started to feel better I wondered if I should share some of these more personal, vulnerable moments–as they definitely weren’t my favorite ones.

I did ultimately share them.  I shared them because they were real and probably relatable to moments we all have at times. And I think it’s good to be real. They were shaping moments, not shining moments, and that’s ok.  They are important too.

So for those of you who subscribe to my blog and get email notifications when I post something, sorry for all those emails a few weeks ago! I guess now you know why… 🙂

And thank you all for your support–of my family, my blog, my notes. Sometimes I just feel funny about sharing these moments, these mama notes or pictures or whatever on social media.  I wonder what good it does to let people in on these little pieces of our lives.  I really don’t like drawing attention. But I’m going to keep writing and sharing because I do think there is still good in it.  It’s a nice way for my family to look back on it too.

Anyway, thanks for reading all these wandering words!

Feeling Better

North Dakota Snow

I’m feeling much better lately. Every day seems to get a little better. It’s probably a combination of things (things I’ve already mentioned that have helped tremendously) and also getting further along in my pregnancy (thank goodness that nausea is gone!) But I’m finally feeling like I got this, I can do this! My head’s above the water (at least for now haha 🙂

Last night was long getting the kids all ready for bed, then trying to get them to stay in bed, (will I ever figure out how to make this work smoothly??) but then they were asleep and Jake came home and everything settled and I thought, I got this, it’s all good.  And then I imagine having two newborns on top of this busy bunch and I think, wow that’s going to be something else.  But just like the end of every day when sometimes I’m feeling at the end of my rope, they end up sweetly sleeping in their beds.  Each day is full of goodness and giggles and messes and meltdowns and many times it’s quite exhausting by the end, but we do it. We make it through. We just do it.  And all in all it’s a really great thing. I feel like having these twins is going to be like that.  I can wonder how we’re going to do it, but we’re going to do it. That’s it. We’re going to make it work.

And I am actually really looking forward to it! I am so excited. I think about them so much every day, I can’t wait to have them here with us.

Also, more snow pictures… before it was below zero. 🙂 (Look how cold it’s been!!) The other day we had a wind chill of -38. Brrr!! I must say though, I really love all this snow we have (and it’s A LOT of snow.)  It’s kind of fun to experience such cold temperatures too–to feel like we’re doing it, we’re making it through this cold winter!