Faith to Walk

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I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

where are my angels?

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I haven’t been feeling well. Nausea, fatigue, and headaches, combined with a messy house that keeps getting messier because I don’t have the energy to keep up, tummies that empty multiple times a day and need to be filled, and little ones that need lots of love and attention…

This week has been hard. Jake has been gone a lot with work and his church calling and other good things. I’ve had a migraine-like headache all day the past two days, and I’m struggling to keep my head up.

I read something today that mentioned Sunday was a good day to reflect on our blessings. I think I should do that now.

Today. Hyrum’s fevers are gone, and he slept better last night. He didn’t even get out of bed when I put him in his bed for the night. Ava has been so helpful, really trying to help me feel better. Yesterday she drew me a picture, and today she made me a present with her ponies and horse bean bag in it. She prays for me every day that I will feel better. In fact, she prays for everyone that they will get better, and never misses a night praying for the babies that they will grow strong and healthy. She has the biggest heart and really tries to help out. In the mornings when she and Hyrum wake up early, she takes him into the playroom to watch a movie, eat bananas, and play. They have their squabbles, but they also play really well together. She loves him a lot, so I’m grateful for that. It is also so fun to watch them, these sweet, adorable children that we get to have a part of our family.

I’m grateful that we still had leftovers in the fridge today. Glad I was able to finally clean the playroom and vacuum the family room last night so we could play in a clean space today. Grateful the kids didn’t make too many messes (or at least really messy messes.) Grateful we had the whole day to relax and play, not worrying about tasks, cleaning, or to-do lists. Sundays are such a gift that way. Grateful when Jake came home. He always comes home happy, and it makes us all happy.

Also, we read books tonight before bed. The kids love reading books, and I love reading to them, so I’m grateful for that.

Feeling better already.

One more thing.

I read a quote today that I had saved on my phone. Occasionally I’ll screenshot a quote I like that is posted on social media or wherever and keep it saved on my phone after emptying my pictures. I came across this one today while I was flipping through my phone.

“We need never feel we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. The Savior has promised angels on our left and on our right to bear us up, and He always keeps His word.” -Henry B. Eyring

When I read that, I wondered how I have been in the Lord’s service lately, or have I? I certainly feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything lately with the way I’ve been feeling. Then I thought about my children, and how if nurturing them from the family room couch half the time day after day was all I could do, it would be just the kind of service He needed from me. It would be enough.

But where are my angels? This week has been hard. Today has been hard, and I have spent the last hour and a half trying to get my kids to stay in bed–reading, rocking, tickling backs, bringing in snacks, carrying them back to bed over and over. Where are my angels bearing me up in all of this? I’m really struggling here. Please send those angels, please help me get my children to sleep.

With that prayer and that plea, I walked back into Hyrum’s room for the twentieth (or so) time, scooped him up from where he stood by the door, and brought him into our room where Ava was tucked into our bed. “Hyrum is going to sleep with you here in your bed, but only if you both go right to sleep, no talking or playing now.” She agreed and cuddled right up to him, surely happy to have him there with her. We have them separated at bedtime because usually they play and get out of bed over and over and have a hard time settling down. Tonight was different though, they were both ready to settle down (it had been long enough.)

But I also believe my angels were there. Maybe Ava was that little angel, helping to comfort her brother and settle him to sleep. Or maybe they had angels comforting the two of them, wrapping their unseen arms around them, filling them with so much love that they couldn’t help but feel so content to sleep. However it was, my prayer was answered and they both went right to sleep. So I’m really grateful for that too.

Surrender your perfectionism

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We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

Encouraged by Her

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In moments of calm or quiet, I am drawn to my comfy couch to read. I have a hard time reading novels. I love to read them, and I do read them from time to time, but I have difficulty lending my time to them. Lately I’ve been reading this book here and there, and every time I retreat to my comfy couch to read, I am excited to read this one.

It’s a book about Marjorie Pay Hinckley, the wife of the late prophet Gordon B. Hinckley. He was the prophet while I was growing up, and oh how I admired this sweet couple! It has been interesting and all the while inspiring to catch glimpses into the life and heart of Sister Hinckley. When I read it, I come away feeling uplifted, encouraged, inspired, and refreshed. She’s refreshing, I guarantee it. It helps me put everyday life in the right perspective. Sounds like a great book huh? Maybe you will read it too. 🙂

But if you don’t ever get to it, I want to share just a few quotes from the chapter on motherhood and the one before that. Some are pieces of advice, some are just encouraging. I feel like similar things would be said by my own mother or mother-in-law, but I don’t have many of their words in writing.

So often when I read these I think, “Yes! Thank you. I feel better now,” or “That’s a great idea, I think I’ll try to do that more.” Perhaps you will too.

“We have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove anything, to be what we are.” p.75

“Jewish women have a wonderful way of bidding each other goodbye. They say, “Have joy in your children.” And so I say to you, “Have joy in your mothering,” whether you are the mother, the aunt, the grandmother, the next-door neighbor. We all have the opportunity to be an influence for good.” p.52

“I think I felt something of your frustration and challenge to be the perfect mother. Relax. There is no such thing as the perfect mother who fits all the eulogies. We just do the best we can with the help of the Lord, and who knows, these children who are struggling to be free may someday rise up and call us blessed.” p.61

“The trick is to enjoy it. Don’t wish away your days of caring for young children. This is your great day. Sometimes we get so caught up in the physical work and trivia that we forget the big picture. We forget whose children they really are. When the house is filled with children, noise and teasing, and laughter, you get the feeling this is forever. Before you know it they will be gone. When our second son went away to school at the age of seventeen, I said, ‘But Clark, I am not through with you. I feel there is so much I will need to teach you.’ ‘Too late, Mother, too late.’ Our children grow so quickly out of our reach.” p. 61

“Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement.” (Quoting the prophet Ezra Taft Benson) p. 57

When in doubt, “save the relationship.” p.56

Kathleen Hinckley talking about learning from her mother in law: “You have to trust children. I tried hard never to say “no” if I could possibly say “yes.” I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could.” p. 55

“Children rise higher when they are treated with respect.” p.53

“We have a great responsibility to our children. Find joy in them. Don’t over schedule them or yourself.” p.75

“The rewards of mothering are not immediate. There are times when you are less than appreciated. I took from the oven one day what I thought was a beautiful casserole, only to have my six-year-old son say, ‘Mom, how come you baked the garbage?’ Then there is the unexpected hug, when you least deserve it. And while you are enjoying these days of mothering, be sure that your demands on your children for perfection are not so heavy that they cannot be children. ” p.61

And this last one that I want to share, I really appreciated.

One of Marjorie’s daughters shared a story of when she was young and they had a program at school in the lunchroom. All the children sat in chairs waiting for their mothers to arrive. She watched the mothers walk in, and noticed that the mother that came in before her own “was wearing spiked heels and a darling dress and had all of this foofy hair.” She said she looked young and beautiful. Then she looked up to see her mother come through the same door. She remembered, “With that instant juxtaposition, I will never forget the flood of security and happiness I felt when I saw her–no foofy hair or spiked heels, not very young or very beautiful, dressed in her typically tidy housedress. There was a warm, comfortable feeling and the thought clear as neon: ‘Oh I’m so glad that my mother looks like a real mother! Whatever would a person do if her only mother wore darling dresses and had painted fingernails?'”

When I think of my own mother, I don’t think about the way she looks. I could consider her soft, youthful skin, or her kind, comforting eyes. She is lovely and beautiful, yes, but mostly I too feel a warmth, a reassurance even when I think about her. She is beautiful because she is my mother. That’s comforting to me because often I see pretty faces, pretty clothes, and pretty houses, and I wonder if I should be doing more to be like that. In my head I know it’s not necessary, but the draw to compare and leave yourself trailing behind is so easy.

The reality is, I am trying my best to be real, and kind and nurturing. And I love my kids with everything I’ve got. That’s all it takes to be beautiful to them, and that’s all I have to be.

Didn’t you just love these messages from Marjorie Hinckley? I feel encouraged by her and I don’t even know her personally! It’s worth reading the whole book. Some day I may feel seasoned enough to give mothering advice, but for now I am very much on the receiving end. And I’m ok with that.

Bless you

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You know how we often say that motherhood is hard? It totally is.

But just plain womanhood is hard too. All these emotions get me feeling all over the place sometimes. I’ve got a good deal of these funny little hormones in my body that make me feel like I’m figuring things out one minute and totally second guessing myself the next. I over-think, over-angst, and overwhelm myself sometimes. And nights are so funny like that. If I’m feeling overly emotional at all at night, I better just go on to bed because if I let them settle and spin, I start to get all loopy and teary and everything becomes so much more this or that. And why am I like this??

That happened the other night. I was telling Jake my thoughts and my feelings about something and Jake couldn’t help but laugh. He listened and he hugged me, but he laughed too. I appreciated that. It reminded me that sometimes these little buggers have more control over me than I realize, and a good amount of shut eye will allow a nice reset. And it does.

But it also reminds me that I’m a woman, with all the mushy, lovey, wonderful feelings that comes with it. These feelings allow me to connect, to love, to appreciate, and to sympathize, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So here’s to womanhood, and to motherhood. For surely if navigating our own emotions proves difficult at times, caring for little ones with loads of them is surely a monumental task. And we do it because again, we wouldn’t have it any other way. All those mushy, lovey, wonderful feelings bring with them life’s most bountiful connections.

So bless you women, and you mothers, and those who would be if they could. The world is sweeter and richer because of those sweeping, overwhelming feelings you carry. May we try to use them for good.