Chili, Owls, and Owl Babies

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I made chili today. Warm, hearty chili. It’s been quite cold lately, more cold than I like autumn to be, but that’s ok because every year is different and maybe this week will be warmer.

Jake worked late so it was just the three of us. Hyrum spread the chili through his hair and down his shirt, so I put him in the sink to rinse off. He LOVES the sink–filling and dumping cups of water is his thing.

I sat at the kitchen table next to Ava with a towel on my lap while she hummed and drew our family picture. She’s been drawing lots of family pictures lately, of owls and flowers and robots and trees. It’s one of my favorite things.

Ava drew a little owl baby in my owl tummy. The past few months Ava has been praying for more brothers and sisters. We’ve been praying for that too, for what seems like a long time. But, as we have seen with Ava & Hyrum, Heavenly Father sends them when the time is right. We do what we can to get things in order, and then we wait on Him.

When we told Ava the news a few weeks back, her face lit up and she smiled so big. She seemed so happy. Ever since, she has prayed for the baby to grow strong and healthy and not get “losed” in every prayer she says. She has faith, that’s why she does it.

Still, in those first few days, I didn’t know what to feel. I’m still kind of that way. I think I’ve been guarding my heart these first few weeks, kind of holding my breath, not wanting to fully embrace it in case it doesn’t work out. Pregnancy is hard that way. It seems even harder when you’ve been waiting so long. I’ve been holding onto the faith that Heavenly Father is in control of all this. Whatever happens will be His will, and I know His will is good. I’m still very happy. Happy and so excited.

Days after that first positive test, I took more tests just to see that second line one more time. That is such a happy, special thing for me.

I’m somewhere around eight weeks I think. I have my first appointment on Tuesday. I’m hoping to get an ultrasound too –really really hoping. I just want to see that heartbeat, to see that life that is really there and still growing inside me. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks, with no hint of it. The ultrasound showed an empty sac, the baby probably stopped growing around 6 weeks. I don’t like thinking that that could happen this time, but I also have this feeling that it won’t. As much as I’m trying to tuck away my emotions with this one, I have a feeling, maybe you’d call it hope, that everything’s going to be ok.

So I’m going to keep on hoping and eating saltines and admiring my growing belly (yes it is very much growing, in fact I think it inflated the moment I found out I was pregnant. Darn bloating.)

So all is well here and I am happy.

Surrender your perfectionism

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We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

When he does the dishes.

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I was at the sink washing dishes when Jake came home.

“It smells so good in here.”

“Your soup is in the microwave, I just reheated it for you.”

He moved aside the kids’ dinner plates and set his bowl on top of the crumbs.

“How was work?

“It was good.”

“Was it busy?”

“Yeah there’s a lot to do, but not as busy as I thought it was going to be.”

“That’s good.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing ok. I don’t know why, I’m just struggling today… I work so hard at one thing, and then feel bad for neglecting all the other things. I’ve been working on this one thing a lot today, and the kids have been needing me left and right. And I start feeling all tense because I can’t get this thing done and then I feel totally guilty because maybe I should have been giving them more attention…And these plates have been sitting at the bottom of the sink for a week and I still can’t get to them. Why can’t I just wash these plates?”

I went on.

He listened as he ate his soup. “You’re doing great. You’re doing so great.”

“Then why don’t I feel that way?”

He rinsed his bowl off in the sink, grabbed an apron from the drawer, and put his arm around me. “Go lie down on the couch for a bit. I got this.”

He started washing and I started picking up the toys and clothes and shoes in the family room, because we all know I can’t really rest until everything’s picked up and done.

When the room was clean I walked over to where the carpet meets the kitchen floor. “I’m sorry for kind of messing up our date night. I’ve just had a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I haven’t gotten ready or anything.”

He turned to face me as he rinsed another plate. “Don’t worry about it. They’re not messed up, just go upstairs and put on your nice jeans and braid your hair or something. You look great.”

I changed my clothes and started braiding my hair in the bathroom near the kitchen. My hair was knotted from being in and out of a bun for a few days, not ideal for a french braid. I got halfway down my head, my fingers weaved through my hair to hold the braid in place, and a giant snarl was balled up underneath. I walked over to Jake at the sink, one hand with a brush and the other still tangled in my hair. “Can you help me?”

He dried his hands and carefully separated, pulled, and brushed until the strands were free and I could finish my braid.

“Thank you.”

I finished braiding, and he finished washing.

He then showered and got dressed and met me on the family room floor where we raced each other laying cards down in a few games of speed (he won every time) and argued over whose hand slapped the pile first in Egyptian Rat’s Crew (I won). We raised our voices and threw out accusations and couldn’t keep from laughing every time those sevens came around and we had to slap the pile again. We pushed the boundary on card-slapping hand hovering, if there ever was one.

Then we cleaned up the cards and searched Netflix. He got the snacks and drinks, and we settled on a drama because last time he got to choose it. It was long. We cuddled under a blanket and tried our best to stay awake.

We ended the night with I love you, the kind that means “I’m grateful for you, I really care about you, and I’m really glad I get to go through life with you.”

When we first got married I wondered when our giddy in love, couldn’t stop thinking about each other, honeymoon-phase would end. Not because I wanted it to, just because I heard it always does. Married life is hard, they’d say. It’s great, but it gets real and it takes work. People congratulated us on our wedding, then sent us on our way hoping that we’d make it work.

And we have. We’ve made it work wonderfully well. I wouldn’t call it giddy in love, and we’re certainly not in la-la land anymore, but I can say with complete honesty that after seven years together I am happier than I’ve ever been and even more in-love with him than I was when we got married, by a long shot. We are complements and companions for each other. It’s great. When he’s down I help him up, and when I’m down, he sits and listens, then does the dishes. We’ve learned how to really help one another, and we’re still learning.

I don’t care if marriage takes work because life with him is sweeter.

Sometimes we sit down and plan our lives together. And we get excited about it! How great it is that we have a companion for everything? –for every road trip and movie night, but also for the hard stuff–the decisions, the parenting, and the self doubt. Life’s hard, and that’s what makes marriage such a blessing, we get to go through everything together–every smooth sail and sour patch. And when things do go sour, we turn to each other, not away, even when we don’t feel like it.

We’re in it for the long haul and couldn’t be happier about it.

Since we’ve been married, I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could, or even needed to. And oh how I’ve needed to! We’ve completely given our lives to each other–melded our lives together, yet I am actually more “me” than I’ve ever been. I understand myself better, my strengths and my weaknesses, and I’m happier too. I’m grateful that it does take work, because in the process of working at it I feel like we are both becoming better people. And maybe I’m still in la-la land on this, but it doesn’t seem much like work anymore.

I’m sure our marriage has its shortcomings, but it’s blessed my life enough to give me some understanding of what purpose it is meant to have, and what a blessing it is meant to be.

Remember how God said “Neither is man without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord?” and that we are created that we “might have joy?” These two things go together–perfectly. Marriage is meant to bring us joy because it gives us a committed companion, a loyal friend, and a constant support–especially in parenting. It gives us someone to talk to, to care for, to rely on. Someone who feels the same way too. Marriage gives us someone who knows us the best and loves us the most, someone who helps us see where we can improve, and inspires us to want to do so. And God has ordained marriage, which means that we can have heaven’s help in making it work–making it work wonderfully well.

It is clear to me that this union is more than just a good idea, an elusive goal, or a social construct. It is a divine union for an eternal good, and it is central to the creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Surely it is not just meant to “work,” but to work wonderfully well.

So I am grateful for marriage and for family life, even when the kids are needy and he doesn’t do the dishes. I’m glad I get to spend forever with them. We are learning and growing in ways we never thought we could, and our joys have never been greater.

Sweet Assurances

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I wrote this letter to Ava in my journal the other day and wondered if I should share it. Sometimes I feel funny about sharing my personal thoughts and feelings, but ultimately that’s why I have a blog–to share the things that shape me and inspire me and bring me joy–hopefully we can share goodness with others too.

Dear Ava,

Today you seemed so happy. It was a family day with Daddy home and Hyrum running across the carpets with his gap-toothed grin, as usual. You love these days. Daddy made you breakfast and a fort downstairs where you watched a show together. Then you and Daddy played monster, giggling under the blankets waiting for me to find you. Then it was jacket time and socks and boots and pants because your friends might be home and you love playing with them. After a few minutes of jumping on the trampoline they went inside for breakfast and the two of us jumped up and down and chased each other’s shadows. While we hopped in circles you told me how you love jumping with me.

I love jumping with you too. I love playing with you and learning with you and being so happy with you. We all do. You are so spirited and fun and eager to enjoy all the goodness around you.

Tonight after riding our skateboards and bikes to the park, Daddy went to church for the priesthood conference session and I bathed you and your brother and smoothed aloe on your sun pinked skin. You played all day under those warming rays, jumping and running and laughing with your friends. You were tired. I tucked your little legs under the covers and said our bedtime prayer, at your request. Your head stayed up for just a few moments before slipping onto the mattress with the close of your eyes. In that quiet moment at the edge of the bed, I thanked Heavenly Father for this beautiful day with you and Daddy and Hyrum. I thanked Him for the Gospel and all the goodness and joy we have because of it. And then I prayed for heaven’s help. I prayed for help as I learn how to mother. As I struggle to mother.

A few times this week as I stood against your sass and strong will, I wondered how to do it. There is so much I don’t know and my weaknesses are becoming apparent. Sometimes I think about all the mothers that have done it and are doing it and that gives me strength. But you know what gives me the most strength? I know that we have heaven on our side. Raising you two little ones is the greatest thing I could be doing right now, and I have God and the angels in heaven to help me. I have no doubt that they have whispered in my ear from time to time how I can be a little more patient or humble or kind. I want you to know that in the Gospel of Jesus Christ we can be taught from on high if we ask for it and listen. So that is what I prayed for.

All my love,

Mom

Why it didn’t just go away

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I ran from the car to the front door with my arms full of slipping blankets and jackets, a bag of prescriptions, a baby on my hip and my four year old trailing behind. “I’m gunna pee my pants. I’m gunna pee my pants.” WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!

In we go. run run run!

I had a uti this morning and once I got in the bathroom I didn’t want to come out. Know the feeling?

Today I’m feeling grateful for good health. And medicine and doctors and cars and available doctor’s appointments.

I know this is such a small thing, but sometimes it’s nice to have these little experiences to remind me that I am so blessed and life is going well and we are so fortunate to have our good health when so many do not.

This morning when the symptoms were in the minor stages and I really hoped I could just flush everything away with water and not have to pack up my kids and go to the doctor and pay all that money and then go to the pharmacy—all the while going crazy because I was feeling so uncomfortable–I asked Ava if she would say the prayer on our breakfast and bless me too that I might feel better.

She did, and I was hopeful, for 30 minutes or so.

And then I started feeling worse. It quickly progressed and knowing how this goes I wasted no time making a doctor’s appointment, and then rush rush rush out the door to make it in time.

Ava seemed a little confused when I told her we were going to the doctor so I could feel better. Every time we prayed to find the remote or my keys or her toy, we would find it. Why didn’t this prayer work?

These are times when I am grateful for faith. Faith reassures us that when we pray to God, He listens and He cares. And then He answers them in His own way, in His own timing, all for our greater good.

But why did I have to go to the doctor and spend that time and money and discomfort when He could just make it go away?

Why is life so hard?

I know I would be a far more lazy, entitled, unsympathetic person if life was easy and my prayers were always answered the way I wanted them too. I wouldn’t learn patience and humility and I certainly wouldn’t have much compassion for others in trying circumstances. I wouldn’t know how to really love. I wouldn’t learn how to endure, to commit. I would throw my hands up and jump ship if things didn’t go my way. I would be self obsessed and anything but enjoyable to be around. And I know for certain that motherhood would be pretty much impossible.

Regardless of circumstances, I trust God because I have learned time and time again that He knows what He’s doing. Things always turn out better when I let Him work things out and I let go. And wow, I’m really glad He didn’t answer this prayer or that one the way I wanted because things would have been a whole lot different if we got that job and ended up there, or bought that house that went upside down. Many times the things we wish with our whole hearts, the really good things, don’t work out like we hoped and prayed and prayed that they would. I don’t mean to trivialize the really hard things–the traumatic, heart breaking, real test of endurance kinds of experiences, those often require lengthy time for grief or understanding. Sometimes understanding doesn’t ever come in this life. But faith can still be there, and it will always lift us up when we are ready.

So I am grateful that we have a God who understands life a lot better than we do, who knows what will ultimately bring us growth and happiness–what will ultimately bring us back to Him.

We are often reminded in the scriptures that “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” And then the comforting, faith inspiring promise, “Therefore, hold on thy way…for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

I love this comforting reassurance Linda Reeves gave in General Conference last year– She reminded us from the scriptures that “this life is the time to prepare to meet God,” not the time to receive all our blessings. She said, “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, ‘Was that all that was required?’ What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

I believe that’s true.

So while we drove to the doctor I told Ava that I know that Heavenly Father heard our prayer. He wants me to get better too, but sometimes getting better right away isn’t always the best thing for us. Sometimes we need to experience hard or uncomfortable things so that we can become better and stronger than we were before, so that we can help other people, and so we can become who we need to be to return to our heavenly home. And that makes it all worth it.

I don’t know that she really understood, but someday she will, I hope she will. My faith has carried me through my trials and I know it will for her too. #mamanotes

(We played on the frozen lake up here in North Dakota. Winter’s quite fun this way.)