Category Archives: journaling

Fair are the meadows

I woke up to some hefty tantrums from my two year old, was already feeling emotional for whatever reason (feeling trapped in winter, lingering sicknesses, pregnancy hormones, etc.) and by the time Jake was heading out the door to leave, I could hardly say goodbye through my tears as I put the kids’ socks and underwear in the drawer.

Later that morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes from the night before, staring at the hazy mounds of white and bare branches out the window. Winter has been hard this year. It’s only January and yet I am feeling so trapped in this cold, insatiably dreaming of warm places and green trees. Even the desert sounds dreamy. Cliche as it all sounds, these feelings are so drowning sometimes.

Lately I’ve been trying to focus on getting things done, playing with the kids, and appreciating every ounce of sunshine that beams through our windows. I am trying to be positive, to keep my head up.

This morning I sang hymns while I did the dishes.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer the moonlight
And all the stars in heav’n above;
Jesus shines brighter,
Jesus shines purer
And brings to all the world his love.

As I sang the words to this children’s song, I realized they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing.

Jesus is fairer. He is more than all those meadows and flowers and beaches that I long for. He can make my sorrowing spirit sing. I need to be reminded of that. While I wait for those beaming rays on my legs and toes, He can be my light and my warmth.

As I finished the song, I felt a calming peace around me, like I was being wrapped in a hug. It filled me from the inside out–every longing hushed. His Spirit was there, lifting me from my sadness, reminding me that He is there, He is always there. I felt the Savior’s love, and that was more filling than any sparkling seashore or desert sand that I have so lately craved.

I really needed that, and Heavenly Father knew. That’s why He sent His Son to be our Savior, because we really need Him, every hour we need Him, even when we don’t realize it at first.

Grateful for that reminder today. He made my sorrowing spirit sing.

Minnesota Road Trip

A few months ago we decided to take a weekend away exploring some more of these northern parts of the US. So, we packed up and explored Minnesota and the north shore of Lake Superior! It was such a great trip. Unfortunately my morning sickness kicked in during the tail end of the trip so anytime I even thought about it (the whole trip) I would get a nauseous feeling and my mind would go back to those fig newtons and oat bars in the back seat. You know how sometimes you associate nausea to something you ate while sick? Well I did that for the WHOLE trip! And I didn’t like feeling that way, so I made a little video of our time there together and all the fun we had and now that nausea is completely replaced by good feelings. 🙌

In just four days we packed in so much and had a really great time together exploring so many new places– Mall of America, Duluth and Lake Superior, a mansion tour, an iron mine, hikes and waterfalls, and so many fall colors. I think it’s a pretty popular place to go and see fall colors in this area of the North. And, you know what people are called who go somewhere to see fall colors? LEAF PEEPERS. Ha! I just learned that the other day and thought it was kind of funny. So just think, you are a leaf peeper if you go up into those pretty canyons to see colors each fall. How great.

Anyway, I wrote down a few notes in my notes app on my phone while we traveled.  This is what I do when I really want to remember something but don’t have time to write out mama notes or a journal entry–of course, intending to make these notes into something like that soon after.

Well, I never got around to writing those entries, so I’ll just share these raw little notes I wrote along the way.  My memory probably wouldn’t be able to piece them together very well anyway (it’s why I write these things down! :))  It’s funny how reading over these I was reminded of things I had forgotten already!

On our way to Fargo. Over-researched hotels. Hyrum frustrated with Legos.  Ava whining of boredom. “I just want to be there.” Drove past combines harvesting grain at night. Lights on, dust.

Mall of America–Hyrum’s excitement. Ava just wanted cotton candy. Braved the roller coasters. Finally had Mexican food. Yum! Flying over America.  Dried breadsticks and pizza. Byu football in the hotel. Kept curtains closed with a pen and cap. We all slept until the morning. So well.

Duluth–Glensheen mansion tour. Hyrum wanting to go everywhere and touch everything but can’t. Skipping rocks on Lake Superior. Jake liked the boat dock. He said, “Someday we’ll get something like that. And a big boat.”  Ha! Kids excited about hard hats at the Soudan Iron Ore Mine–considered the Cadillac of iron mines. 6’8 tour guide–very knowledgeable. Hyrum: “Eeeya!” Getting rust all over us as they run around everywhere and we struggle to keep them by us. Very cool tours though.

General Conference on the radio while driving through tunnels of fall colors. Talk on Joseph Smith. Felt the Spirit witness truth.  Lost service while driving through the woods, the colorful trees. Listening to conference on the way home–through the north woods, the area with many lakes, leaves kicking up behind

One thing I do remember particularly–On our trip we listened to a lot of the LDS General Conference that was streaming live that weekend. It was pretty neat listening to all these inspiring, uplifting talks and songs while we drove through such beautiful places.  However, we lost service quite a lot. While we were driving up the north shore of Lake Superior, we lost service right before the Prophet spoke. I remember feeling so sad about that–I wanted so much to hear what he had to say. By the time we got service again, conference was over and we were about to stop to get something to eat anyway.

The next day when we headed home, we played a lot of the talks that we missed during the previous days, including the Prophet’s talk.  I just remember feeling so grateful that we have a Prophet, and we can hear or read –through His chosen leaders–what God wants us to know for our day anytime we want! It’s such a blessing.

A Prayer for Under the Bed

At bedtime we ate carrots and sat on my bed reading books; the kids fought over the flaps, listened to the stories, and eventually settled down into their own beds. I turned off the lights and propped myself on a pillow next to Ava. She was curled up on the pillow next to me, hardly budging when I asked her to scoot over a bit. “But I’m scared,” she said. I switched her spots so she was closer to the stream of light seeping out from the doorway. I started to tickle her back as I had done the past few nights, but she didn’t seem to settle. The babies kicked inside. I took Ava’s hand and placed it on my stomach, “Want to feel them move?” Her hand was tight and her body still curled.

“It’s ok Ava,” I said as I sat up and wrapped my arm around her. “I’m here with you.”

She told me that she was afraid of goblins under the bed.

We talked about how goblins aren’t real–that they’re just made up for stories. She seemed a little relieved but still wanted to look under the bed. I started to get up to look for a flashlight when she said, “Can we just say a prayer?”

I sat back against the pillow and wrapped my arms around her again as she sat up with her arms folded. She repeated each phrase I said as I prayed, giving thanks for our blessings and the day and the things we could do, and asking for comfort and reminders that we are being watched over.

“And please bless the twins that they will be healthy and strong, and help me to not be scared…” she added at the end. Her body seemed to relax.

After a few moments of quiet I asked her, “How do you feel?”

I waited for her to respond. She was quiet.

“Do you feel calm and peaceful?”

She nodded, but didn’t stir.

I told her that I felt it too, that we really were talking to the heavens, to our Heavenly Father, and that He was listening. I whispered to her that that peace comes from Him, from His Spirit that He gives to us because He can’t be right here with us.

I could feel her breathing slow and deepen. She went right to sleep in those next few minutes, sitting up in my arms, her own arms still folded. She was comforted by a simple prayer and the feeling of being loved and watched over by the God of us all. I felt a heavenly peace there with us in that room, answering the prayer of my four year old.

I know that He really is there and listening. He will always give us His peace when we come to Him.

You can fly

The other day I put Disney songs on Pandora for the kids to dance to and the “You Can Fly” song came on.  They’d never seen the movie so I told them what it was about and they spread their arms, racing around the room (and jumping off the couches.) Ever since, Ava has wanted to see what it was all about.  So, the other night we all went downstairs and watched Peter Pan.

When I brought down popcorn, the kids were so excited.  It’s funny how they can get excited about the smallest things.  They both squealed, “Popcorn! Yay! Popcorn!” Hyrum giggled and “hmmed” with the most satisfying grins while he stared at the popcorn and crammed handfuls into his mouth. Later he picked out orange after orange to have us peel for him (eating all of them in no time). When we told him no more, he went off and peeled them himself.

We turned on the kids’ Christmas tree and tucked them in bed, hoping they would settle and fall asleep in the same room (totally hit and miss with this).  In her bedtime prayer, Ava   mentioned, “…and please bless Hyrum that he can fall asleep and not refuse his naps, and please help him to not refuse new food, and please bless me to try new foods…and thank you for our warm house and helping us drive safely…”   I just love her prayers.

Later when Hyrum got out of bed (for the fifth time) and came downstairs, he picked up two little oranges and held them right up to his nose, just smiling at them. Jake and I just laugh, it is so fun watching them.

#mamanotes

Shaping Moments

Those of you who have subscribed to this blog, or even those of you who stop in here and there were probably wondering why I stopped writing or posting or sharing my mama notes here or on social media over the past few months…

…and then one day all these posts and notes from the past few months showed up on my blog. What happened?

Honestly, these past few months have been kind of rough (if you read the updated entries you can read more about it,) so I didn’t really feel like sharing much during that time–and quite literally I just didn’t have the energy to.  I did write in my journal here and there though–some notes and stories that I wanted to remember, and even just as a way to express how I was feeling.

When I started to feel better I wondered if I should share some of these more personal, vulnerable moments–as they definitely weren’t my favorite ones.

I did ultimately share them.  I shared them because they were real and probably relatable to moments we all have at times. And I think it’s good to be real. They were shaping moments, not shining moments, and that’s ok.  They are important too.

So for those of you who subscribe to my blog and get email notifications when I post something, sorry for all those emails a few weeks ago! I guess now you know why… 🙂

And thank you all for your support–of my family, my blog, my notes. Sometimes I just feel funny about sharing these moments, these mama notes or pictures or whatever on social media.  I wonder what good it does to let people in on these little pieces of our lives.  I really don’t like drawing attention. But I’m going to keep writing and sharing because I do think there is still good in it.  It’s a nice way for my family to look back on it too.

Anyway, thanks for reading all these wandering words!