Category Archives: journaling

You Have Eyes Mommy

I walked into the kids room where Hyrum was laying quietly in his bed, struggling to fall asleep. I was so impressed that he stayed in his bed all this time. I sat at the edge of his feet and looked at the cutest little cheeks and big brown eyes.

“Hi Mom. I wanna snuggle you,” he said with that cute lisp of his.

I laid down next to him, my round belly touching his. He smiled as I snuggled my face up close to his.

“You has eyes mommy?” he said as he placed his finger on my eye.

“Yes I have eyes, and you have eyes too.”

“I have eyes too,” he repeated.

“You has chastick mommy,” he said pointing to my lips.

“Those are my lips, and you have lips too,” I said pointing to his.

“Ya I have wips too.”

He then pointed to my nose and other things in the room and we talked and snuggled for a few minutes.

Then I touched my nose to his and he giggled. He wrapped his little arm around my neck and pulled me in closer.

“I love you so much Hyrum.”

“I wuv you too Mommy.”

He turned his little body in his dragon pjs and shuffled down into his pillow, and I just wished so much that I could fold up this moment and tuck it away for when the years move on and my little boy grows. Surely I’ll wish to return to it, even for a moment.

I often find comfort thinking of the eternities and how everything will be made right and how redeeming and wonderful it all will be. But even with all those promised blessings I don’t think that I could ever get back this time with my little ones. I don’t know how it will all work out, but I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Time raises them from little infants to adults and these years are all we’ve got to teach them and love them and soak up the wonderful fleeting sweetness of it all. It’s a humbling reminder to me to cherishthem, to be present with them, to really really appreciate them. And when I’m given little gems of moments like tonight, I try to capture them in my heart and wrap them up in words the best I know how so that somehow I can return to those big brown eyes and little lisp and never ever forget. #mamanotes

Because I Feel Joy

I sat on the couch reading when I heard a few sniffles from the kitchen. Hyrum was in his highchair stuffing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth and Ava was at the table.

“Are you ok Ava?” I asked.

“Ya,” she reponded confidently.

A minute later she walked up to me with a handful of pictures she had gathered earlier from the front of the fridge. She leaned against me, holding the pictures out so I could see them. I looked down at some of my favorite pictures–of the Savior and the temple–then looked back at her. I noticed a little tear on the top of her cheek.

“You have a tear,” I said.

She nodded.

“How come you have a tear?”

She kept her eyes on the pictures in her hands.

“Because I feel joy.”

I felt the tears well above my cheeks and hugged her close enough to whisper.

“These things bring me joy too.”

Happiness has seemed largely elusive to me over the past few months. It’s been a hard time, and I have struggled to keep my head up.

So often I am lying on the couch, trying to pull myself out, trying to figure out how. Not that I’m trying to get off the couch–I’m supposed to be there, and have been the past six weeks.

But I’m trying to learn what it means to have joy in the midst of trial, when things aren’t so inherently happy and we have to push ourselves deeper to feel it. My whole life I’ve felt joy–it seems to come so easily in the good times and return quickly after the bad.

This time has been so different though.

Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the thick of the hard things–brilliant sunshine and steady air are still stretches ahead of me. But I also think there is much good in this–good that really doesn’t feel so happy, but is good for me. And maybe there is joy in that too.

I’ll tell you a little bit how. Lately I feel like I am learning what it means to really rely on God. I am learning how to trust more, hope more, endure more. But it doesn’t feel like blind trust or empty hope. It’s not at all. In the midst of my struggle, I am seeing how real and wonderful the Savior’s grace really is. As I have turned to Him so desperately at times, pleading for Him to take my hand and lift me, He does.

He really does lift me.

I wish I could describe it or even pinpoint exactly how I have felt strengthened, lifted, and loved, but I can’t really. I feel it though. It is real. And now when I think of Him, things are different. I can hardly keep the tears from swelling. I am so grateful for Him and what He suffered so that He could help me like this. I have felt His love AND His grace, and my heart is so much more full. So as much as I’ve been feeling my days to be dim, as much as I am struggling, my joy is still there. It’s more of a quiet, grateful feeling, but it is still there. And that’s enough for now.

Things are hard, but I am growing. Uncomfortably so, but it is still good. This kind of growth needs the rain just as much as it needs the sunshine. And the sunshine will come, soon enough.

Making Improvements

I just finished studying the talk, “Joy and Spiritual Survival” by Russel M. Nelson from last year’s General Conference, and I loved it so much. The other day I thought of the scripture in Ether (12:27) about how through the Grace of our Savior–a real power to do what we can’t do on our own–we can overcome our weaknesses. –Because “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Phillipians 4:13)

Right now I feel like my weakness is succumbing to the difficulty of my circumstances and often times focusing on the negative–or at least not resisting the temptation to. I miss feeling joy more consistently. Some of it is due to my crazy pregnant hormones, but there is definitely room for improvement–more gratitude, more focus on the good, better use of my time, and more trust in the Lord.

SO, my recent focus/goal/effort is to look to Him to overcome–to learn how to have joy in the midst of trial. I brainstormed some steps I think I need to take to have this fulness of joy…

1.  Focus on the Savior. Think of Him, lean on Him, turn to Him often.

-Make my prayers more sincere, take more time to pray and ponder

2.  Limit the influence of the world.

-Guard my time and exposure to worldly things.

-Social media once a day–not an excuse for boredom. There are such better things I can do!

3.  Free time (on bedrest)

–family history, gospel study, cards/calls to others, embrace my kids!

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

(Isn’t that scripture just so comforting?)

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

Pickles and Books and Bedrest

I rested this afternoon while Ava played at the neighbor’s and Hyrum played upstairs. I rested, restlessly because there is so much I want to do but can’t, or shouldn’t, or something like that. Hyrum came down and climbed on my legs like a bridge to the other couch, stood on the piano bench waving a tent pole, gave me kisses, and asked for pickles. I considered letting him get them out of the jar on the table himself, but knowing I’d have to clean up shards of glass and pickle juice all over the floor, I jumped up to help him.

I opened the drapes and wondered pathetically, what makes me happy? What used to bring me happiness? I just feel like I’m sinking. It’s pathetic. Is it my hormones? The seemingly endless sub zero temperatures outside? Feeling guilty for doing anything other than laying on the couch? And then guilty for just laying on the couch? (Thank you bed rest).

Gosh I feel like the biggest whiner, but these feelings are legit. I’m struggling.

Hey, I find joy in my children (that crossed my mind.) So, I invited Hyrum up on the couch with me–with his bread spewing crumbs like confetti and his cute race car underwear. He seemed so enthralled with old McDonald, laughing at all the noises (why have we not done this more?) and then peed at the start of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

I ran with him to the bathroom probably faster than I should.

I called Jake at work because  I was too bored and down and all kinds of emotional to wait three more hours until he came home.  He answered, “Hey how’s it goin?”

“Oh I’m just calling to say hi or talk or I don’t know I’m just…” to which I trailed off without words because I couldn’t even get them out. He could tell what was up and was obviously in the middle of something and said, “Hey I’ll call you back in a bit k?”

Silence on my end because I couldn’t even get out an “ok.”

After a few deep breaths (and tears) I did, and got off the phone. Then Hyrum came tromping down the stairs one foot at a time holding a book above his head, “Read book Mom, read book.”

So we sat on the couch reading books and I really enjoyed that.

Ava came home and she’s now dishing up bowls of ice cream for them on the kitchen floor and I’m back to (bed) resting. #mamanotes

How cute are they?! I love how they play together (even if they make big messes doing it.) It really has been so helpful this pregnancy.