Category Archives: faith

Crumbly

I’ve been feeling kind of crumbly lately. Crumbling with all kinds of fatigue and emotions because I just don’t have the energy to do it all. This pregnancy has been hard. It’s been especially apparent the last few days, at least the overwhelming negative thoughts at times. All I really feel like doing is curling up on the couch or sleeping. The messes pile up around the house, making me want to retreat further. I push through it a lot of the time because my children need feeding, the house needs mending, and I really do want to do good and feel good. I have bundles of moments of laughter or peace, playing with my children or watching their quirks and their goodness. But oh these emotions have gotten the best of me lately, especially when Jake comes home and I can let them free. I can wallow and retreat because he’s home to take care of things.

It’s been interesting though, when I feel such a pull to give in to these negative feelings, such a real desire to sink and wallow in them, I also feel a gentle tugging from another side, a much kinder side. These kind, gentle tugs remind me that I do not belong down there in that negativity, where I am very much under the influence of another, a much less kind other. I am pulled up just enough to hover over that pit, but not to sink down. I know I have real emotions here (I have some powerful pregnancy hormones at play), but it’s still hard to pull myself out sometimes. I’m grateful for the gentle tugging, whether from the Holy Ghost or some heavenly loved one whispering to my heart. So from here, where? How do I overcome?

I came home from church today with the kids while Jake stayed to have some meetings. I carried sleeping Hyrum up to his bed, chatted and giggled with Ava over pizza, and then curled up on the couch to sleep while Ava sat at my feet playing games on my phone. Jake came home and he and Ava went downstairs and watched some videos. Hyrum joined them, so I pulled a church magazine from the bin next to the couch and picked a few things to read that I thought might be helpful, because I really wanted help.

It’s amazing how God works in just the right ways to reach us and let us know He cares. I read a few articles from that magazine that really lifted me and changed my perspective on some things.

So anyway, I’m just feeling especially grateful for inspiring words and comfort and help. Even though it’s been hard, I’m so grateful for this pregnancy. SO GRATEFUL for these babies. I’ll probably still do more crumbling, but I believe that with time He can build me back up–into something even better.

(my mantra lately)

Making Christmas in Our House

 

Ava waited all day to get out the Christmas tree and the Christmas decorations. We cleaned the house and waited for my hard drives to finish backing up before we could move the desk and computer for the Christmas tree.

Then Jake put on a coat and his super tall boots and trudged through a few feet of piled snow drifts to the garage to get the tree and all the fun Christmas stuff.

 We’ve been hibernating the past few days in our warm little townhouse while a true North Dakota storm has been piling snow and blowing it all around us. No school and work from home means a lot of together time and we really like that.

I’m supposed to drive to Bismarck tomorrow for an important ultrasound  that needs to be done no later than this week so we’ll see if we can make it out there. School is closed again tomorrow.

 We put up the Christmas tree, broke a few ornaments, and noticed that some chunks of lights weren’t working on the tree. So we decided to hold off on the ornaments and ribbon until we could get those working again, and tucked the kids into bed.

 Ava sat up in her bed marveling at the little Christmas tree we set up in her room, the same one I had in my room when I was young. Her bed time prayer went something like this:

 “Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the Earth and for Christmas. Thank you that we could have Christmas and make Christmas in our house today. Thank you for our bodies and that we could have a nice home to keep us warm. Please bless Mommy and Daddy and Hyrum and the babies and help us have a good day tomorrow. . In the name of Jesus Christ Amen. “

 She fills my heart this little one.

where are my angels?

I haven’t been feeling well. Nausea, fatigue, and headaches, combined with a messy house that keeps getting messier because I don’t have the energy to keep up, tummies that empty multiple times a day and need to be filled, and little ones that need lots of love and attention…

This week has been hard. Jake has been gone a lot with work and his church calling and other good things.  I’ve had a migraine-like headache all day the past two days, and I’m struggling to keep my head up.

I read something today that mentioned Sunday was a good day to reflect on our blessings. I think I should do that now.

Today. Hyrum’s fevers are gone, and he slept better last night. He didn’t even get out of bed when I put him in his bed for the night. Ava has been so helpful, really trying to help me feel better. Yesterday she drew me a picture, and today she made me a present with her ponies and horse bean bag in it. She prays for me every day that I will feel better. In fact, she prays for everyone that they will get better, and never misses a night praying for the babies that they will grow strong and healthy. She has the biggest heart and really tries to help out. In the mornings when she and Hyrum wake up early, she takes him into the playroom to watch a movie, eat bananas, and play. They have their squabbles, but they also play really well together. She loves him a lot, so I’m grateful for that.  It is also so fun to watch them, these sweet, adorable children that we get to have a part of our family.

I’m grateful that we still had leftovers in the fridge today. Glad I was able to finally clean the playroom and vacuum the family room last night so we could play in a clean space today. Grateful the kids didn’t make too many messes (or at least really messy messes.) Grateful we had the whole day to relax and play, not worrying about tasks, cleaning, or to-do lists. Sundays are such a gift that way. Grateful when Jake came home. He always comes home happy, and it makes us all happy.

Also, we read books tonight before bed. The kids love reading books, and I love reading to them, so I’m grateful for that.

Feeling better already.

One more thing.

I read a quote today that I had saved on my phone. Occasionally I’ll screenshot a quote I like that is posted on social media or wherever and keep it saved on my phone after emptying my pictures. I came across this one today while I was flipping through my phone.

“We need never feel we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. The Savior has promised angels on our left and on our right to bear us up, and He always keeps His word.” -Henry B. Eyring

When I read that, I wondered how I have been in the Lord’s service lately, or have I? I certainly feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything lately with the way I’ve been feeling. Then I thought about my children, and how if nurturing them from the family room couch half the time day after day was all I could do, it would be just the kind of service He needed from me. It would be enough.

But where are my angels? This week has been hard. Today has been hard, and I have spent the last hour and a half trying to get my kids to stay in bed–reading, rocking, tickling backs, bringing in snacks, carrying them back to bed over and over. Where are my angels bearing me up in all of this? I’m really struggling here. Please send those angels, please help me get my children to sleep.

With that prayer and that plea, I walked back into Hyrum’s room for the twentieth (or so) time, scooped him up from where he stood by the door, and brought him into our room where Ava was tucked into our bed. “Hyrum is going to sleep with you here in your bed, but only if you both go right to sleep, no talking or playing now.” She agreed and cuddled right up to him, surely happy to have him there with her. We have them separated at bedtime because usually they play and get out of bed over and over and have a hard time settling down. Tonight was different though, they were both ready to settle down (it had been long enough.)

But I also believe my angels were there. Maybe Ava was that little angel, helping to comfort her brother and settle him to sleep. Or maybe they had angels comforting the two of them, wrapping their unseen arms around them, filling them with so much love that they couldn’t help but feel so content to sleep. However it was, my prayer was answered and they both went right to sleep. So I’m really grateful for that too.

Chili, Owls, and Owl Babies

I made chili today. Warm, hearty chili. It’s been quite cold lately, more cold than I like autumn to be, but that’s ok because every year is different and maybe this week will be warmer.

Jake worked late so it was just the three of us. Hyrum spread the chili through his hair and down his shirt, so I put him in the sink to rinse off.  He LOVES the sink–filling and dumping cups of water is his thing.

I sat at the kitchen table next to Ava with a towel on my lap while she hummed and drew our family picture. She’s been drawing lots of family pictures lately, of owls and flowers and robots and trees. It’s one of my favorite things.

Ava drew a little owl baby in my owl tummy. The past few months Ava has been praying for more brothers and sisters. We’ve been praying for that too, for what seems like a long time. But, as we have seen with Ava & Hyrum, Heavenly Father sends them when the time is right. We do what we can to get things in order, and then we wait on Him.

When we told Ava the news a few weeks back, her face lit up and she smiled so big. She seemed so happy. Ever since, she has prayed for the baby to grow strong and healthy and not get “losed” in every prayer she says. She has faith, that’s why she does it.

Still, in those first few days, I didn’t know what to feel. I’m still kind of that way. I think I’ve been guarding my heart these first few weeks, kind of holding my breath, not wanting to fully embrace it in case it doesn’t work out. Pregnancy is hard that way. It seems even harder when you’ve been waiting so long. I’ve been holding onto the faith that Heavenly Father is in control of all this. Whatever happens will be His will, and I know His will is good.  I’m still very happy. Happy and so excited.

Days after that first positive test, I took more tests just to see that second line one more time. That is such a happy, special thing for me.

I’m somewhere around eight weeks I think. I have my first appointment on Tuesday.  I’m hoping to get an ultrasound too –really really hoping. I just want to see that heartbeat, to see that life that is really there and still growing inside me. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks, with no hint of it. The ultrasound showed an empty sac, the baby probably stopped growing around 6 weeks. I don’t like thinking that that could happen this time, but I also have this feeling that it won’t. As much as I’m trying to tuck away my emotions with this one, I have a feeling, maybe you’d call it hope, that everything’s going to be ok.

So I’m going to keep on hoping and eating saltines and admiring my growing belly (yes it is very much growing, in fact I think it inflated the moment I found out I was pregnant. Darn bloating.)

So all is well here and I am happy.

I hope she always does

mother and daughter

She fell asleep on me as I sat in the rocking chair singing her songs about ponies while Hyrum babbled and yelled at our feet, playing with mini flashlights and shining them in our faces. She was pretending at first, I could see her smirky smile beneath her closed eyes. But then off to sleep she went, because any time she holds still for a few minutes, she is quick to doze off. She is go-go-go, never wanting to miss a thing, and not wanting to slow down, a lot like me.

We had family home evening over spaghetti just the three of us because Jake was working late. I told them the story of Shadrach Meeshach and Abendago and how they got thrown into the big fire by the King of Babylon because they prayed to God. I asked Ava what she thought happened. She said that it would all be ok because God would protect them, He would take care of them. She has faith this little one. And protect them He did. They were completely unharmed, standing in the midst of the fire with an angel. After that the king believed. And I believe too. I know that if we are doing our best to follow Jesus Christ and do His will, we’ll be taken care of. We can have faith in that. It will all work out. I love that Ava believes that too, I hope she always does. #mamanotes