Category Archives: faith

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂

Fair are the meadows

I woke up to some hefty tantrums from my two year old, was already feeling emotional for whatever reason (feeling trapped in winter, lingering sicknesses, pregnancy hormones, etc.) and by the time Jake was heading out the door to leave, I could hardly say goodbye through my tears as I put the kids’ socks and underwear in the drawer.

Later that morning I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes from the night before, staring at the hazy mounds of white and bare branches out the window. Winter has been hard this year. It’s only January and yet I am feeling so trapped in this cold, insatiably dreaming of warm places and green trees. Even the desert sounds dreamy. Cliche as it all sounds, these feelings are so drowning sometimes.

Lately I’ve been trying to focus on getting things done, playing with the kids, and appreciating every ounce of sunshine that beams through our windows. I am trying to be positive, to keep my head up.

This morning I sang hymns while I did the dishes.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer the moonlight
And all the stars in heav’n above;
Jesus shines brighter,
Jesus shines purer
And brings to all the world his love.

As I sang the words to this children’s song, I realized they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing.

Jesus is fairer. He is more than all those meadows and flowers and beaches that I long for. He can make my sorrowing spirit sing. I need to be reminded of that. While I wait for those beaming rays on my legs and toes, He can be my light and my warmth.

As I finished the song, I felt a calming peace around me, like I was being wrapped in a hug. It filled me from the inside out–every longing hushed. His Spirit was there, lifting me from my sadness, reminding me that He is there, He is always there. I felt the Savior’s love, and that was more filling than any sparkling seashore or desert sand that I have so lately craved.

I really needed that, and Heavenly Father knew. That’s why He sent His Son to be our Savior, because we really need Him, every hour we need Him, even when we don’t realize it at first.

Grateful for that reminder today. He made my sorrowing spirit sing.

A Prayer for Under the Bed

At bedtime we ate carrots and sat on my bed reading books; the kids fought over the flaps, listened to the stories, and eventually settled down into their own beds. I turned off the lights and propped myself on a pillow next to Ava. She was curled up on the pillow next to me, hardly budging when I asked her to scoot over a bit. “But I’m scared,” she said. I switched her spots so she was closer to the stream of light seeping out from the doorway. I started to tickle her back as I had done the past few nights, but she didn’t seem to settle. The babies kicked inside. I took Ava’s hand and placed it on my stomach, “Want to feel them move?” Her hand was tight and her body still curled.

“It’s ok Ava,” I said as I sat up and wrapped my arm around her. “I’m here with you.”

She told me that she was afraid of goblins under the bed.

We talked about how goblins aren’t real–that they’re just made up for stories. She seemed a little relieved but still wanted to look under the bed. I started to get up to look for a flashlight when she said, “Can we just say a prayer?”

I sat back against the pillow and wrapped my arms around her again as she sat up with her arms folded. She repeated each phrase I said as I prayed, giving thanks for our blessings and the day and the things we could do, and asking for comfort and reminders that we are being watched over.

“And please bless the twins that they will be healthy and strong, and help me to not be scared…” she added at the end. Her body seemed to relax.

After a few moments of quiet I asked her, “How do you feel?”

I waited for her to respond. She was quiet.

“Do you feel calm and peaceful?”

She nodded, but didn’t stir.

I told her that I felt it too, that we really were talking to the heavens, to our Heavenly Father, and that He was listening. I whispered to her that that peace comes from Him, from His Spirit that He gives to us because He can’t be right here with us.

I could feel her breathing slow and deepen. She went right to sleep in those next few minutes, sitting up in my arms, her own arms still folded. She was comforted by a simple prayer and the feeling of being loved and watched over by the God of us all. I felt a heavenly peace there with us in that room, answering the prayer of my four year old.

I know that He really is there and listening. He will always give us His peace when we come to Him.

You can fly

The other day I put Disney songs on Pandora for the kids to dance to and the “You Can Fly” song came on.  They’d never seen the movie so I told them what it was about and they spread their arms, racing around the room (and jumping off the couches.) Ever since, Ava has wanted to see what it was all about.  So, the other night we all went downstairs and watched Peter Pan.

When I brought down popcorn, the kids were so excited.  It’s funny how they can get excited about the smallest things.  They both squealed, “Popcorn! Yay! Popcorn!” Hyrum giggled and “hmmed” with the most satisfying grins while he stared at the popcorn and crammed handfuls into his mouth. Later he picked out orange after orange to have us peel for him (eating all of them in no time). When we told him no more, he went off and peeled them himself.

We turned on the kids’ Christmas tree and tucked them in bed, hoping they would settle and fall asleep in the same room (totally hit and miss with this).  In her bedtime prayer, Ava   mentioned, “…and please bless Hyrum that he can fall asleep and not refuse his naps, and please help him to not refuse new food, and please bless me to try new foods…and thank you for our warm house and helping us drive safely…”   I just love her prayers.

Later when Hyrum got out of bed (for the fifth time) and came downstairs, he picked up two little oranges and held them right up to his nose, just smiling at them. Jake and I just laugh, it is so fun watching them.

#mamanotes

Come Unto Me

One morning when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed (those pregnancy hormones remember?) and feeling quite tired and unmotivated to do anything, I read this scripture that someone had posted online.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I have read and heard that scripture countless times, I even have it memorized! But for some reason I hadn’t fully considered it in all my “heavy laden” feelings until that moment. And I so needed it! I read each verse a few times, then sat and thought about it for a few minutes.

“What does it mean to come unto him?” I thought. “How can I really feel that rest, how does it work?”

I closed my eyes and asked those same questions. “Please help me. Please help me learn how this works.” I thought of the Savior and how much I just wanted to be strengthened again.

It’s interesting how spiritual things work. I wish I could lay out just how it worked for me, just how He answered my prayer, but I can’t even explain it. I think it’s something that  everyone experiences differently, but it made all the difference for me.

After that prayer, I got up and determined to try my best, and somehow it seemed easier.  After asking for help, I knew that I could do it. That’s how faith works I guess. I knew that I had laid my burden at the Savior’s feet, asking for His help to carry it. I was happier. Honestly, days before this it was so hard to feel enough energy or motivation to take care of my house, make meals, or tackle those bathrooms that I had been putting off cleaning for longer than I want to admit. I usually just did the bare minimum and then felt pretty crummy about it. But I did what I needed to all that day! My house wasn’t totally clean, but my bathrooms were! And I even made a fresh dinner and finished some other things. I was able to rest in a way, knowing that I had heaven’s help. That’s all I needed to get me going and keep me going. It’s been five days since I prayed for the Savior’s help, and I am still feeling it.

I’m still having mood swings here and there, perhaps those will stick around until sometime after the babies are born, but I know I can do this because I have the Savior’s promise of rest (even if my kind of rest means the strength to do the things I need to). What a gift.