Category Archives: Thoughts

Counting

I’ve been counting my blessings a lot lately.  It’s interesting because things have been really quite challenging lately and I’m REALLY looking forward to getting to a new “normal” (which hopefully includes a lot more rest!) but in this time of challenge I have also felt so UPLIFTED and strengthened and happy.  It’s interesting how God works.  We have to have the challenges to shape and refine us and give us experience, but He is also so merciful and quick to send His blessings to help us through.
I wrote just a few things down that have stood out to me recently (but our blessings are many! -especially these sweet little babes)

1. TIME with Ava and Hyrum. The other day I was feeling kind of bummed that I have so little time to give attention to Ava & Hyrum. I hardly have time to pour them a bowl of cereal, it’s crazy.  I could tell that they were really missing it too.  In my prayers the other night I prayed that I would be able to meet their needs and spend more time with them. The next morning, BOTH babies stayed asleep for at least 30 minutes when I put them down–long enough for oatmeal for breakfast, airplane rides on my feet and lots of giggles. We all felt so happy and refreshed afterwards and I knew my prayer was answered! I was reminded that sometimes we just need to ask.

2. REST. As it is to be expected, I am quite tired lately. The other day was go-go-go. A sweet friend came over and tended my babies for a few hours while Ava and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I washed, picked up, and put away until my house looked clear again! (That’s another blessing-a clean house!!) It felt so good, but after that long day and an unusually long night with the babies, my body felt especially spent the next morning. But as I’ve noticed so much lately, just when I am really in need of something, when I’m nearing the end of my rope, I am given rest and the strength I need to keep chugging. The next day two sweet young women came over and took care of my babies so I could rest. I napped with Hyrum, which was a two-fold blessing because I got some sleep and time with my boy. He snuggled in so close to me, I know he’s been missing our time together too.  These girls have been coming a few times a week and I have so much love for them! I can’t thank them enough. They help us so much.

3. RELIEF. Last night was one of our hardest nights. The girls have been congested the past week, so they wake up a lot in their sleep having a hard time breathing.  Last night they had a lot of reflux in their sleep too, and when it would come out their nose it would make them more congested and wake them up.  We hardly slept at all, with a total of two hours of sleep. 🙁  After their morning feeding they both fell asleep in their rock n plays, which was amazing! I prayed that they would stay asleep for even just 30 minutes so I could have some relief and get some things done.  Well, they both woke up just a few minutes after falling asleep, and I tried relentlessly to get them to stay asleep. Finally I put them in their carseats so I could carry them both around or rock them on the front porch. Thea stayed asleep but Esther struggled through her reflux. After a few hours it was time to feed them again. I went to prepare a bottle quickly while Esther cried. Then the crying stopped. Those sweet young women had come over to help again today, and even though I had to wait a few hours for relief, they were the sweet answer to my prayer! They fed and held the babies while I cleaned and napped with Hyrum, and when I woke up, the babies were both sound asleep in their rock n plays, and they even stayed asleep (with some soothing in-between) for a few hours!! With Thea in my wrap I was able to make dinner (which hasn’t been possible in a long time!) And what’s even more amazing is that they fell asleep for the night just before nine and stayed asleep until 2am. Heavenly Father answers prayers. That is so comforting to me.

4. FRIENDS. Angels. Such good, good people so quick to serve, coming over for hours at a time to hold my babies, play with my kids, and bring us meals. Other friends and family have been sending messages and thoughtfulness from a distance to see how we are doing. We have been surrounded with so much kindness and support and we are so, so, grateful.

We’re doing well, because God’s blessings (and His angels!) are so very real.

More Shaping Moments

I did it again– I added a lot of new posts all at once. Sorry! They are mostly my own journal entries about the struggles I’ve had this pregnancy and how I’ve been learning to overcome and get through them.  At the time I didn’t really feel like sharing them because they were so raw and personal, but I feel like there is value in sharing what I’m learning and what has really helped me get through. I’ve back-posted them all so they coordinate with the right dates. I mixed in a few mama notes as well that I recorded during those times.

Also, we’re 37 weeks!! Can you believe we’ve made it this far?? Such a happy, wonderful thing. My induction date is set for this Friday at 38 weeks, so in just four more days (or less) we’ll be doubling our kids and adding a beautiful new dimension to our family! We can’t wait to meet our girls!

36 Weeks

We made it to 36 weeks!! I’m sitting here in my bedroom, blue sky and blustery wind outside my window, and feeling so so grateful. The trees have leaves here! Everything is green and blossoming, and I can’t help but feel the excitement of new life and growth and warmth again!

We are in Utah now; the kids and I have been here for four weeks. And as hard as it was to make the decision, the peace and help and goodness we have felt being here with family has been sunshine to my soul. We really needed it, we all did.

I felt like with the twins coming soon I was like a broken ship headed into a storm. We were surviving, we had such kind help from so many in our church branch (did I mention they also threw me a beautiful baby shower with only two days notice before I left?! It was the most amazing, humbling, heart filling thing to me) and we were making things work back at home in North Dakota, but it was hard and my spirits were sinking.
.
Jake was recovering from a head injury and was busy with work as well as serving as branch president at church, and I was trying hard to take care of things at home and feeling so stuck, so low, and desperately craving a change in scenery after such a long winter inside (and on the couch on bedrest :/) We were making do, but it was hard, and we had so much family begging us to come to Utah so they could help us.

So we made the decision for the kids and I to come to Utah. It has been wonderful!! I feel so grateful for this time that we’ve had in Utah and for all the help we are receiving. It has been healing in so many ways.

After some contractions last Saturday night, Jake is here with us too! I am feeling so blessed, so happy, so grateful, and so excited. My heart is so full thinking about the kindness we’ve received over the past few months from friends and branch members and family and also thinking about such good things to come.

You Have Eyes Mommy

I walked into the kids room where Hyrum was laying quietly in his bed, struggling to fall asleep. I was so impressed that he stayed in his bed all this time. I sat at the edge of his feet and looked at the cutest little cheeks and big brown eyes.

“Hi Mom. I wanna snuggle you,” he said with that cute lisp of his.

I laid down next to him, my round belly touching his. He smiled as I snuggled my face up close to his.

“You has eyes mommy?” he said as he placed his finger on my eye.

“Yes I have eyes, and you have eyes too.”

“I have eyes too,” he repeated.

“You has chastick mommy,” he said pointing to my lips.

“Those are my lips, and you have lips too,” I said pointing to his.

“Ya I have wips too.”

He then pointed to my nose and other things in the room and we talked and snuggled for a few minutes.

Then I touched my nose to his and he giggled. He wrapped his little arm around my neck and pulled me in closer.

“I love you so much Hyrum.”

“I wuv you too Mommy.”

He turned his little body in his dragon pjs and shuffled down into his pillow, and I just wished so much that I could fold up this moment and tuck it away for when the years move on and my little boy grows. Surely I’ll wish to return to it, even for a moment.

I often find comfort thinking of the eternities and how everything will be made right and how redeeming and wonderful it all will be. But even with all those promised blessings I don’t think that I could ever get back this time with my little ones. I don’t know how it will all work out, but I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Time raises them from little infants to adults and these years are all we’ve got to teach them and love them and soak up the wonderful fleeting sweetness of it all. It’s a humbling reminder to me to cherishthem, to be present with them, to really really appreciate them. And when I’m given little gems of moments like tonight, I try to capture them in my heart and wrap them up in words the best I know how so that somehow I can return to those big brown eyes and little lisp and never ever forget. #mamanotes

Because I Feel Joy

I sat on the couch reading when I heard a few sniffles from the kitchen. Hyrum was in his highchair stuffing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth and Ava was at the table.

“Are you ok Ava?” I asked.

“Ya,” she reponded confidently.

A minute later she walked up to me with a handful of pictures she had gathered earlier from the front of the fridge. She leaned against me, holding the pictures out so I could see them. I looked down at some of my favorite pictures–of the Savior and the temple–then looked back at her. I noticed a little tear on the top of her cheek.

“You have a tear,” I said.

She nodded.

“How come you have a tear?”

She kept her eyes on the pictures in her hands.

“Because I feel joy.”

I felt the tears well above my cheeks and hugged her close enough to whisper.

“These things bring me joy too.”

Happiness has seemed largely elusive to me over the past few months. It’s been a hard time, and I have struggled to keep my head up.

So often I am lying on the couch, trying to pull myself out, trying to figure out how. Not that I’m trying to get off the couch–I’m supposed to be there, and have been the past six weeks.

But I’m trying to learn what it means to have joy in the midst of trial, when things aren’t so inherently happy and we have to push ourselves deeper to feel it. My whole life I’ve felt joy–it seems to come so easily in the good times and return quickly after the bad.

This time has been so different though.

Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the thick of the hard things–brilliant sunshine and steady air are still stretches ahead of me. But I also think there is much good in this–good that really doesn’t feel so happy, but is good for me. And maybe there is joy in that too.

I’ll tell you a little bit how. Lately I feel like I am learning what it means to really rely on God. I am learning how to trust more, hope more, endure more. But it doesn’t feel like blind trust or empty hope. It’s not at all. In the midst of my struggle, I am seeing how real and wonderful the Savior’s grace really is. As I have turned to Him so desperately at times, pleading for Him to take my hand and lift me, He does.

He really does lift me.

I wish I could describe it or even pinpoint exactly how I have felt strengthened, lifted, and loved, but I can’t really. I feel it though. It is real. And now when I think of Him, things are different. I can hardly keep the tears from swelling. I am so grateful for Him and what He suffered so that He could help me like this. I have felt His love AND His grace, and my heart is so much more full. So as much as I’ve been feeling my days to be dim, as much as I am struggling, my joy is still there. It’s more of a quiet, grateful feeling, but it is still there. And that’s enough for now.

Things are hard, but I am growing. Uncomfortably so, but it is still good. This kind of growth needs the rain just as much as it needs the sunshine. And the sunshine will come, soon enough.