Come Unto Me

2016-12-122018-03-07

One morning when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed (those pregnancy hormones remember?) and feeling quite tired and unmotivated to do anything, I read this scripture that someone had posted online.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I have read and heard that scripture countless times, I even have it memorized! But for some reason I hadn’t fully considered it in all my “heavy laden” feelings until that moment. And I so needed it! I read each verse a few times, then sat and thought about it for a few minutes.

“What does it mean to come unto him?” I thought. “How can I really feel that rest, how does it work?”

I closed my eyes and asked those same questions. “Please help me. Please help me learn how this works.” I thought of the Savior and how much I just wanted to be strengthened again.

It’s interesting how spiritual things work. I wish I could lay out just how it worked for me, just how He answered my prayer, but I can’t even explain it. I think it’s something that everyone experiences differently, but it made all the difference for me.

After that prayer, I got up and determined to try my best, and somehow it seemed easier. After asking for help, I knew that I could do it. That’s how faith works I guess. I knew that I had laid my burden at the Savior’s feet, asking for His help to carry it. I was happier. Honestly, days before this it was so hard to feel enough energy or motivation to take care of my house, make meals, or tackle those bathrooms that I had been putting off cleaning for longer than I want to admit. I usually just did the bare minimum and then felt pretty crummy about it. But I did what I needed to all that day! My house wasn’t totally clean, but my bathrooms were! And I even made a fresh dinner and finished some other things. I was able to rest in a way, knowing that I had heaven’s help. That’s all I needed to get me going and keep me going. It’s been five days since I prayed for the Savior’s help, and I am still feeling it.

I’m still having mood swings here and there, perhaps those will stick around until sometime after the babies are born, but I know I can do this because I have the Savior’s promise of rest (even if my kind of rest means the strength to do the things I need to). What a gift.

Crumbly

2016-12-042018-03-07

I’ve been feeling kind of crumbly lately. Crumbling with all kinds of fatigue and emotions because I just don’t have the energy to do it all. This pregnancy has been hard. It’s been especially apparent the last few days, at least the overwhelming negative thoughts at times. All I really feel like doing is curling up on the couch or sleeping. The messes pile up around the house, making me want to retreat further. I push through it a lot of the time because my children need feeding, the house needs mending, and I really do want to do good and feel good. I have bundles of moments of laughter or peace, playing with my children or watching their quirks and their goodness. But oh these emotions have gotten the best of me lately, especially when Jake comes home and I can let them free. I can wallow and retreat because he’s home to take care of things.

It’s been interesting though, when I feel such a pull to give in to these negative feelings, such a real desire to sink and wallow in them, I also feel a gentle tugging from another side, a much kinder side. These kind, gentle tugs remind me that I do not belong down there in that negativity, where I am very much under the influence of another, a much less kind other. I am pulled up just enough to hover over that pit, but not to sink down. I know I have real emotions here (I have some powerful pregnancy hormones at play), but it’s still hard to pull myself out sometimes. I’m grateful for the gentle tugging, whether from the Holy Ghost or some heavenly loved one whispering to my heart. So from here, where? How do I overcome?

I came home from church today with the kids while Jake stayed to have some meetings. I carried sleeping Hyrum up to his bed, chatted and giggled with Ava over pizza, and then curled up on the couch to sleep while Ava sat at my feet playing games on my phone. Jake came home and he and Ava went downstairs and watched some videos. Hyrum joined them, so I pulled a church magazine from the bin next to the couch and picked a few things to read that I thought might be helpful, because I really wanted help.

It’s amazing how God works in just the right ways to reach us and let us know He cares. I read a few articles from that magazine that really lifted me and changed my perspective on some things.

So anyway, I’m just feeling especially grateful for inspiring words and comfort and help. Even though it’s been hard, I’m so grateful for this pregnancy. SO GRATEFUL for these babies. I’ll probably still do more crumbling, but I believe that with time He can build me back up–into something even better.

(my mantra lately)

Surrender your perfectionism

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We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

When he does the dishes.

2016-06-052019-04-03

I was at the sink washing dishes when Jake came home.

“It smells so good in here.”

“Your soup is in the microwave, I just reheated it for you.”

He moved aside the kids’ dinner plates and set his bowl on top of the crumbs.

“How was work?

“It was good.”

“Was it busy?”

“Yeah there’s a lot to do, but not as busy as I thought it was going to be.”

“That’s good.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing ok. I don’t know why, I’m just struggling today… I work so hard at one thing, and then feel bad for neglecting all the other things. I’ve been working on this one thing a lot today, and the kids have been needing me left and right. And I start feeling all tense because I can’t get this thing done and then I feel totally guilty because maybe I should have been giving them more attention…And these plates have been sitting at the bottom of the sink for a week and I still can’t get to them. Why can’t I just wash these plates?”

I went on.

He listened as he ate his soup. “You’re doing great. You’re doing so great.”

“Then why don’t I feel that way?”

He rinsed his bowl off in the sink, grabbed an apron from the drawer, and put his arm around me. “Go lie down on the couch for a bit. I got this.”

He started washing and I started picking up the toys and clothes and shoes in the family room, because we all know I can’t really rest until everything’s picked up and done.

When the room was clean I walked over to where the carpet meets the kitchen floor. “I’m sorry for kind of messing up our date night. I’ve just had a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I haven’t gotten ready or anything.”

He turned to face me as he rinsed another plate. “Don’t worry about it. They’re not messed up, just go upstairs and put on your nice jeans and braid your hair or something. You look great.”

I changed my clothes and started braiding my hair in the bathroom near the kitchen. My hair was knotted from being in and out of a bun for a few days, not ideal for a french braid. I got halfway down my head, my fingers weaved through my hair to hold the braid in place, and a giant snarl was balled up underneath. I walked over to Jake at the sink, one hand with a brush and the other still tangled in my hair. “Can you help me?”

He dried his hands and carefully separated, pulled, and brushed until the strands were free and I could finish my braid.

“Thank you.”

I finished braiding, and he finished washing.

He then showered and got dressed and met me on the family room floor where we raced each other laying cards down in a few games of speed (he won every time) and argued over whose hand slapped the pile first in Egyptian Rat’s Crew (I won). We raised our voices and threw out accusations and couldn’t keep from laughing every time those sevens came around and we had to slap the pile again. We pushed the boundary on card-slapping hand hovering, if there ever was one.

Then we cleaned up the cards and searched Netflix. He got the snacks and drinks, and we settled on a drama because last time he got to choose it. It was long. We cuddled under a blanket and tried our best to stay awake.

We ended the night with I love you, the kind that means “I’m grateful for you, I really care about you, and I’m really glad I get to go through life with you.”

When we first got married I wondered when our giddy in love, couldn’t stop thinking about each other, honeymoon-phase would end. Not because I wanted it to, just because I heard it always does. Married life is hard, they’d say. It’s great, but it gets real and it takes work. People congratulated us on our wedding, then sent us on our way hoping that we’d make it work.

And we have. We’ve made it work wonderfully well. I wouldn’t call it giddy in love, and we’re certainly not in la-la land anymore, but I can say with complete honesty that after seven years together I am happier than I’ve ever been and even more in-love with him than I was when we got married, by a long shot. We are complements and companions for each other. It’s great. When he’s down I help him up, and when I’m down, he sits and listens, then does the dishes. We’ve learned how to really help one another, and we’re still learning.

I don’t care if marriage takes work because life with him is sweeter.

Sometimes we sit down and plan our lives together. And we get excited about it! How great it is that we have a companion for everything? –for every road trip and movie night, but also for the hard stuff–the decisions, the parenting, and the self doubt. Life’s hard, and that’s what makes marriage such a blessing, we get to go through everything together–every smooth sail and sour patch. And when things do go sour, we turn to each other, not away, even when we don’t feel like it.

We’re in it for the long haul and couldn’t be happier about it.

Since we’ve been married, I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could, or even needed to. And oh how I’ve needed to! We’ve completely given our lives to each other–melded our lives together, yet I am actually more “me” than I’ve ever been. I understand myself better, my strengths and my weaknesses, and I’m happier too. I’m grateful that it does take work, because in the process of working at it I feel like we are both becoming better people. And maybe I’m still in la-la land on this, but it doesn’t seem much like work anymore.

I’m sure our marriage has its shortcomings, but it’s blessed my life enough to give me some understanding of what purpose it is meant to have, and what a blessing it is meant to be.

Remember how God said “Neither is man without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord?” and that we are created that we “might have joy?” These two things go together–perfectly. Marriage is meant to bring us joy because it gives us a committed companion, a loyal friend, and a constant support–especially in parenting. It gives us someone to talk to, to care for, to rely on. Someone who feels the same way too. Marriage gives us someone who knows us the best and loves us the most, someone who helps us see where we can improve, and inspires us to want to do so. And God has ordained marriage, which means that we can have heaven’s help in making it work–making it work wonderfully well.

It is clear to me that this union is more than just a good idea, an elusive goal, or a social construct. It is a divine union for an eternal good, and it is central to the creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Surely it is not just meant to “work,” but to work wonderfully well.

So I am grateful for marriage and for family life, even when the kids are needy and he doesn’t do the dishes. I’m glad I get to spend forever with them. We are learning and growing in ways we never thought we could, and our joys have never been greater.

Some of our favorite places

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Every 6 months–after watching General Conference–my soul is FILLED–overflowing even with light and joy and just a really good feeling about life and how I can make it better. It’s true that faith is SUBSTANCE of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1) because I have felt it. The Spirit of God is all the evidence I need. I felt it all weekend as the Spirit witnessed to me of the beautiful truths that were taught. Along with millions around the world who watched the LDS General Conference this weekend, I am feeling the truth of Paul’s words–that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance…” (Galatians 5) We are so BLESSED that there are living prophets and apostles on the Earth today! I am so grateful to be a member of this church! Did you miss it? Check it out at lds.org

Also, as you have probably noticed, we made a wall display of pictures of some of our favorite places (in all the places we’ve lived/meaningful places.) The Temple! We love it so much. We have been so blessed to live within an hour of an LDS temple wherever we have lived. It is always a good day when we go to the temple. Heaven is a little closer there, and we can feel it.

I love having these pictures in my family room. It’s a beautiful reminder of so many good things–the promises we’ve made as well as the blessings we are promised! These blessings are everything I could ever hope for, including the opportunity to be together with my family forever–through this life and into the next with only death to separate us temporarily. And then on to a life of eternal JOY together with our Heavenly parents and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Could there be anything better?! No wonder we find such peace in the encouragement and reminders we receive at General Conference–reminders of how we should live to have happiness here and forever. They are truths, and that’s why they make us feel so good.