Feel the Summer!

2016-03-20

We went on a walk today. Hyrum sat squished in the stroller with his puffy orange coat while I pushed him along with my dry-skinned, cold stiffened fingers and my aching ears. Meanwhile, our bright eyed four year old pedaled behind with her gold sequined boots and her freshly pumped tires yelling, “Feel the summer!”

Clearly while I was thinking about the relentless cold seeping through my clothes, she was rejoicing in the kiss of the sun on our backs and the clear sky above.

Thank you Ava, for reminding me to feel the summer in the midst of the cold. The sun is always there, even when we may not feel it.

*On that note… Jake and I have been watching the series “Human Planet” on Netflix and I never want it to end. It is FASCINATING. I could go on, but let’s just leave it as “highly recommended.” Anyway, in one of the episodes, it shows the way people live at high altitudes in the mountains. This one older lady lived blind for a few years, fetching her water barefoot along the cliffs of her village (along with all her other daily duties.) She received the gift of her sight after a charitable doctor performed a cataract surgery. Upon removing her bandages and walking the many miles back to her humble home she remarked, “This is the end of my problems.” I was impressed by her comment. I don’t think she was naive in her optimism, I think she was simply grateful, simply focusing on her great blessing. I’m sure life was still hard, but to her anything else that could be considered problem material was nothing more than daily living. She was feeling the summer regardless of any cold, and I thought that was really neat.

#mamanotes

Mom I told Him how I was feeling!

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The Lord Shall Fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14

Today I was on my knees when Ava asked me, “Mom, why do moms and dads say prayers when it’s not bedtime and they’re not eating food?”

I’ve been trying to teach her more about the meaning of prayer. Sometimes I don’t think that she realizes that when she is praying, she is actually talking to her Heavenly Father, that He is there, and that He is listening. Sometimes she is reluctant to say prayers, she just doesn’t feel like it.

The other night I suggested that she just talk to Him, tell him about her day and how she is feeling. She looked at me, contemplating it for a moment, and then she did. When she was done she said to me excitedly, “Mom I told Him how I was feeling!”

When I asked her if she was going to say her bedtime prayer last night she went right ahead and told Him a little about her day and how she was feeling. “I did it again Mom!”

So today I told her that I was praying because I really needed to tell Him how I was feeling. I told her that I needed some help, so I wanted to talk to Him.

I was having a moment of asking “Why isn’t this working out? I’m really trying, and I’m having a hard time with this and that. Please help me have patience. Please strengthen me.”

You know what I love about prayer? When I really pray from my heart, really tell Him how I am feeling, I feel a little better–just by praying. I can feel that He is really there, really listening, and somehow that is healing, just that. I imagine that’s how Ava felt the other night when she happily exclaimed that she told Him how she was feeling.

But the glorious thing is that He doesn’t just listen, He answers. Many times it’s not right away, and many times it is so subtle that if we aren’t actively seeking it, we may miss it. And most times, we have to simply move forward, trusting that He heard us. And with that faith, we will feel His peaceful reassurances and His gentle guidance little by little, in His time. And they come, they always do.

Well, while I was praying I was reminded of some words from the scriptures–words which I had read, loved, and even wrote about the other day. Isn’t it funny how we can feel so sure about something one day, and need the same kind of reassurance just days later? Or even just a gentle reminder? That is definitely me.

So I read it again.

When I was reading in Exodus the other day I came across this scripture that I never really noticed before, and I loved it. I thought, this is perfect for me and all my anxious, worried, impatient thoughts.

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

Some background–Moses had just led the children of Israel out of Egypt into the wilderness. Some time after, Pharaoh and his armies pursued after them and the Israelites were terrified at the sight. They cried out to the Lord and to Moses with all their questions and their doubts. Surely, they assumed, they were headed to their death.

It was like in an instant their faith was trampled by their urgent needs and fears. It was like they threw their hands up saying, “See! It’s not working out! We tried and it’s not working out.”

That’s when Moses reassured the people, urging them to bolster their faith and trust in their God. “Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today… The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

And as we know, they did see the salvation of the Lord. The Red Sea parted at the command of their prophet, whose power came from that God in whom he trusted. Their way was illuminated for the next little while, enough to get them through safely. And so their faith was strengthened to lean on again, to give them the courage to move forward at times when they could not see the way, times when the ground wasn’t dry.

Oh how we all are like those fearful Israelites at times when the way looks too unknown, when we just don’t know how things will all work out. We dance and rejoice at the start of our journey, ever hopeful, with the promised land prominent in our minds. The journey doesn’t begin easy, but we are faithful and trust that it will all work out.

And then the problems come. We arrive at the banks of the Red Sea and we feel stuck. We are afraid to move forward and to keep trusting when things just don’t seem to be working out. We feel to say to our Heavenly Father, “I tried living that way, I tried following that impression, I tried praying, I tried having faith and it’s just not working out.”

Waves of uncertainties block our pathway. But at the same time, we are reminded from behind that a fearful retreat to Pharoah’s armies would forfeit our hope for a promised land. We would be enslaved once again to our old way of doing things–our meager faith, our complacency, our bad habits and addictions, our unhappiness. And our escape would only be harder the next time. And sometimes we do choose to go back. We decide to do it all on our own.

But sometimes we let the words of our loving prophet rekindle the flame of our faith and we “fear not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord.” We trust He who created us, who once taught us in our heavenly home that if we would walk uprightly, search diligently, pray always, and be believing, all things would work together for our good here on Earth. We lay our burdens and our fears at the feet of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we hold our peace. We move forward by His light, trust in His grace, and witness the Lord fight for us to make it through safely.

And so we remain faithful. We recognize His mercies, walking ever more eager to seek guidance from above on our way to the promised land.

And He leads us there. He always does. And we are all the better for it.

So now I’m feeling especially grateful for prayer and the scriptures and His gentle reminders. It will all work out, it always does.

Why it didn’t just go away

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I ran from the car to the front door with my arms full of slipping blankets and jackets, a bag of prescriptions, a baby on my hip and my four year old trailing behind. “I’m gunna pee my pants. I’m gunna pee my pants.” WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!

In we go. run run run!

I had a uti this morning and once I got in the bathroom I didn’t want to come out. Know the feeling?

Today I’m feeling grateful for good health. And medicine and doctors and cars and available doctor’s appointments.

I know this is such a small thing, but sometimes it’s nice to have these little experiences to remind me that I am so blessed and life is going well and we are so fortunate to have our good health when so many do not.

This morning when the symptoms were in the minor stages and I really hoped I could just flush everything away with water and not have to pack up my kids and go to the doctor and pay all that money and then go to the pharmacy—all the while going crazy because I was feeling so uncomfortable–I asked Ava if she would say the prayer on our breakfast and bless me too that I might feel better.

She did, and I was hopeful, for 30 minutes or so.

And then I started feeling worse. It quickly progressed and knowing how this goes I wasted no time making a doctor’s appointment, and then rush rush rush out the door to make it in time.

Ava seemed a little confused when I told her we were going to the doctor so I could feel better. Every time we prayed to find the remote or my keys or her toy, we would find it. Why didn’t this prayer work?

These are times when I am grateful for faith. Faith reassures us that when we pray to God, He listens and He cares. And then He answers them in His own way, in His own timing, all for our greater good.

But why did I have to go to the doctor and spend that time and money and discomfort when He could just make it go away?

Why is life so hard?

I know I would be a far more lazy, entitled, unsympathetic person if life was easy and my prayers were always answered the way I wanted them too. I wouldn’t learn patience and humility and I certainly wouldn’t have much compassion for others in trying circumstances. I wouldn’t know how to really love. I wouldn’t learn how to endure, to commit. I would throw my hands up and jump ship if things didn’t go my way. I would be self obsessed and anything but enjoyable to be around. And I know for certain that motherhood would be pretty much impossible.

Regardless of circumstances, I trust God because I have learned time and time again that He knows what He’s doing. Things always turn out better when I let Him work things out and I let go. And wow, I’m really glad He didn’t answer this prayer or that one the way I wanted because things would have been a whole lot different if we got that job and ended up there, or bought that house that went upside down. Many times the things we wish with our whole hearts, the really good things, don’t work out like we hoped and prayed and prayed that they would. I don’t mean to trivialize the really hard things–the traumatic, heart breaking, real test of endurance kinds of experiences, those often require lengthy time for grief or understanding. Sometimes understanding doesn’t ever come in this life. But faith can still be there, and it will always lift us up when we are ready.

So I am grateful that we have a God who understands life a lot better than we do, who knows what will ultimately bring us growth and happiness–what will ultimately bring us back to Him.

We are often reminded in the scriptures that “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” And then the comforting, faith inspiring promise, “Therefore, hold on thy way…for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

I love this comforting reassurance Linda Reeves gave in General Conference last year– She reminded us from the scriptures that “this life is the time to prepare to meet God,” not the time to receive all our blessings. She said, “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, ‘Was that all that was required?’ What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

I believe that’s true.

So while we drove to the doctor I told Ava that I know that Heavenly Father heard our prayer. He wants me to get better too, but sometimes getting better right away isn’t always the best thing for us. Sometimes we need to experience hard or uncomfortable things so that we can become better and stronger than we were before, so that we can help other people, and so we can become who we need to be to return to our heavenly home. And that makes it all worth it.

I don’t know that she really understood, but someday she will, I hope she will. My faith has carried me through my trials and I know it will for her too. #mamanotes

(We played on the frozen lake up here in North Dakota. Winter’s quite fun this way.)