It’s Alright Mom

2018-12-062018-12-06

I pulled up to Ava’s dance studio six minutes late, again (and again and again ). As she crawled over the backseat to the door I said to her, “I’m sorry Ava, please tell your teacher I’m sorry that you’re late. Someday your mother will get you here on time.”

I had such a heaviness of heart. I was dragging behind on so many things and had a hard time holding up against the whines and tears and messes overlapping all day. I had just listened to a twenty minute meltdown about not having enough goldfish for a snack and if I could have, I would have slumped to the floor of my suv while dropping her off late, again.

All is well, it really is, but some days are just really hard to hold up, despite that.

Ava leaned over to open the door and responded in a kind voice, “It’s alright mom.”

If you can picture the kindness in her eyes, it was just what I needed.

She offered me the mercy I was withholding from myself and I marveled at the simple power of it to help me see what I was really lacking— not effort, but grace. I’m still going to try to be on time to her class next week, but I’m going to try to adopt her kindness in the meantime, even for myself. #mamanotes

mama notes

2018-06-28

We walked through the garden in the park to this shady patch of trees. My favorite places are the simple ones we find, places we can run free and play without a lot of people around— off the beaten path you’d say. They become special to us, we return again and make it that way.

The babies muddied their toes in piles of dirt and yellow petals and the older two climbed the little stone wall to be closer to the sprinklers. They’d dance and laugh in anticipation, then squeal in delight once pummeled with spray.

I watched in delight too. It’s one of my favorite things watching my kids play together.

I’ve been so happy lately. It’s as though every plant or person or cloud in the sky lights me up inside, and the hard things aren’t getting me down as easily. I’m just so grateful! It’s my season perhaps. Maybe it’s the sunshine, the outdoor play, or our time with so many loved ones. Perhaps so many other things too, but I am finding such joy in this time of our lives I hardly have time to find anything else. #mamanotes

We took the Trax to dinner tonight, all six of us. Jake and I were a little nervous as we set everyone up to the table, hoping we’d all finish eating before the babies started squealing. They eat so fast. But they all did so great! —and we all really enjoyed it. We were so happy about that. We love being out and about together.

We headed back on the train and split up at the mall. Jake walked with the kids to the grocery store to get some snacks and treats for our movie night, and I walked around with the twins. The babies were tired and restless, but as we walked closer to our building I heard the echo of singing at the street corner. I strollered the twins toward the girl singing on the corner, and we stood there and listened to her sweet music along with the couple on their bikes and the men in their suits and the theatre guests on the outside balcony across the street. So many people coming and going and stopping to listen. She had such a gift!

The evening air was warm and breezy, not just the feel of it, but the color of it too, all amber and warm. The sun was on its way down, and I just stood there taking it all in— the music, the people, the feeling. The babies sat there too all calm like me for those few minutes we paused, and I just couldn’t help but feel so happy. Perhaps they were enjoying it just as much as me. #mamanotes

Surrender your perfectionism

2016-08-202017-12-05

We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

To the grocery store and back

2016-04-212016-05-03

I’m sitting here finishing off a jar of peanut butter, resting my legs, and laughing (kind of incredulously) at myself and how I thought strollering my baby over five miles and across town to the grocery store and back while Ava rides her little bike alongside us was a good idea. Not my smartest move there. I guess I got carried away with all this good weather! Now I know. Sometimes being cooped up all winter makes you think you can do crazy things when the weather is nice. I’ve got the tan lines and pink cheeks to prove it. 😂😬🙈

About a quarter of a mile to the store, Ava said that her legs were tired and she wanted a break. I thought, “Oh man, we are not going to make it all the way there,” so I told her we should turn around and go back home. To which she replied, “I can do it mom, I know I can!” For this girl who lies sprawled out on the floor explaining that she’s too tired to walk upstairs to bed, this was a pretty big statement. And she stuck to it! A few times along the way I told her, “Maybe we should go back, are you sure you can go all that way?” Then Ava would say, “Mom we can make it! We can do this!”

And we did. ☺️

…ALSO as you can probably tell from the pictures… I joined snapchat. 😁 my username is tamaraelises (I think). It’s a strange kind of thing. I feel so awkward at it and the swiping is so confusing to me. But it’s kind of fun to just post random unpolished moments.

This walk just happened to be the first thing I posted about and I just laugh thinking how foolish I must seem! We’ll see if I can keep up this thing.

Feel the Summer!

2016-03-20

We went on a walk today. Hyrum sat squished in the stroller with his puffy orange coat while I pushed him along with my dry-skinned, cold stiffened fingers and my aching ears. Meanwhile, our bright eyed four year old pedaled behind with her gold sequined boots and her freshly pumped tires yelling, “Feel the summer!”

Clearly while I was thinking about the relentless cold seeping through my clothes, she was rejoicing in the kiss of the sun on our backs and the clear sky above.

Thank you Ava, for reminding me to feel the summer in the midst of the cold. The sun is always there, even when we may not feel it.

*On that note… Jake and I have been watching the series “Human Planet” on Netflix and I never want it to end. It is FASCINATING. I could go on, but let’s just leave it as “highly recommended.” Anyway, in one of the episodes, it shows the way people live at high altitudes in the mountains. This one older lady lived blind for a few years, fetching her water barefoot along the cliffs of her village (along with all her other daily duties.) She received the gift of her sight after a charitable doctor performed a cataract surgery. Upon removing her bandages and walking the many miles back to her humble home she remarked, “This is the end of my problems.” I was impressed by her comment. I don’t think she was naive in her optimism, I think she was simply grateful, simply focusing on her great blessing. I’m sure life was still hard, but to her anything else that could be considered problem material was nothing more than daily living. She was feeling the summer regardless of any cold, and I thought that was really neat.

#mamanotes