Walls

2018-12-132018-12-13

I sat against the wall in the hallway, resting for a minute while Hyrum finished his bath. Ava sat next to me while I opened my scriptures. “It’s been a few days since we’ve read and I’m feeling it,” I said. “Want to read some?”

She sat close to me and laid her head on my lap as I read. She was tired too. (We’re struggling for earlier bedtimes.)

We bathed and dressed everyone, and I prayed that I would find one of the twins’ shoes. We lost one at home and one at church last week and were left with two left ones. I tilted the basket down from the shelf and a bunch of their shoes and socks came tumbling out. I gathered the shoes and socks from the floor and under the crib where they had fallen, and found that all the shoes were there, all except for the one lost at church. I felt it was a gift and said a prayer of thanks.

We searched for snacks, handed out toys, read books, cleaned up messes, and tried our best to quiet our kids during church. In the middle of meetings I walked the rooms in search of the shoe and prayed again. I felt drawn to a little nook in the coat closet and found the little blue shoe behind some snow boots.

I was tired, and so grateful.

I sat in class next to some kind older women as some thoughts were shared. The teacher read the same scripture that I had read earlier with Ava and tears filled my eyes.

“Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee… Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.”

Those words went into my heart and I felt the truth of them. They filled me from the inside out. They were no longer just words of scripture, they were words to me— words from heaven that I needed to hear.

A wise friend once spoke of these walls. She said that it brought her great comfort to think of the Lord standing by her, seeing the same walls—challenges, struggles, and experiences—as her.

I am certain that Jesus Christ is so aware of us, even with us, in the things we are experiencing—loving, strengthening, and teaching us as we struggle, and when we let Him—even in the small things. It’s all things wonderful and so many things hard raising little ones, and I especially felt that love today.

#mamanotes

It’s Alright Mom

2018-12-062018-12-06

I pulled up to Ava’s dance studio six minutes late, again (and again and again ). As she crawled over the backseat to the door I said to her, “I’m sorry Ava, please tell your teacher I’m sorry that you’re late. Someday your mother will get you here on time.”

I had such a heaviness of heart. I was dragging behind on so many things and had a hard time holding up against the whines and tears and messes overlapping all day. I had just listened to a twenty minute meltdown about not having enough goldfish for a snack and if I could have, I would have slumped to the floor of my suv while dropping her off late, again.

All is well, it really is, but some days are just really hard to hold up, despite that.

Ava leaned over to open the door and responded in a kind voice, “It’s alright mom.”

If you can picture the kindness in her eyes, it was just what I needed.

She offered me the mercy I was withholding from myself and I marveled at the simple power of it to help me see what I was really lacking— not effort, but grace. I’m still going to try to be on time to her class next week, but I’m going to try to adopt her kindness in the meantime, even for myself. #mamanotes

mama notes

2018-06-28

We walked through the garden in the park to this shady patch of trees. My favorite places are the simple ones we find, places we can run free and play without a lot of people around— off the beaten path you’d say. They become special to us, we return again and make it that way.

The babies muddied their toes in piles of dirt and yellow petals and the older two climbed the little stone wall to be closer to the sprinklers. They’d dance and laugh in anticipation, then squeal in delight once pummeled with spray.

I watched in delight too. It’s one of my favorite things watching my kids play together.

I’ve been so happy lately. It’s as though every plant or person or cloud in the sky lights me up inside, and the hard things aren’t getting me down as easily. I’m just so grateful! It’s my season perhaps. Maybe it’s the sunshine, the outdoor play, or our time with so many loved ones. Perhaps so many other things too, but I am finding such joy in this time of our lives I hardly have time to find anything else. #mamanotes

We took the Trax to dinner tonight, all six of us. Jake and I were a little nervous as we set everyone up to the table, hoping we’d all finish eating before the babies started squealing. They eat so fast. But they all did so great! —and we all really enjoyed it. We were so happy about that. We love being out and about together.

We headed back on the train and split up at the mall. Jake walked with the kids to the grocery store to get some snacks and treats for our movie night, and I walked around with the twins. The babies were tired and restless, but as we walked closer to our building I heard the echo of singing at the street corner. I strollered the twins toward the girl singing on the corner, and we stood there and listened to her sweet music along with the couple on their bikes and the men in their suits and the theatre guests on the outside balcony across the street. So many people coming and going and stopping to listen. She had such a gift!

The evening air was warm and breezy, not just the feel of it, but the color of it too, all amber and warm. The sun was on its way down, and I just stood there taking it all in— the music, the people, the feeling. The babies sat there too all calm like me for those few minutes we paused, and I just couldn’t help but feel so happy. Perhaps they were enjoying it just as much as me. #mamanotes

Lullabies Tonight

2018-02-112018-02-11

Dear Ava,

You asked for lullabies tonight, and usually I’d sing you some while you give me your arm or your back to tickle, but this time you wanted songs from the computer. You learned how to find and play them the other day and that’s been so fun for you. Sometimes I’ll come into your room and you have the happiest Christmas music blasting while you organize your trinkets in the desk drawer. You love to find special places for your things and organize them. Lately your special things are seashells from our trips to the coast and little pieces of fabric from Grandma’s sewing room. Remember how you made me a little bag for my things all by yourself? I am still amazed how you did that. I love how you didn’t wait to try something you’ve never done before. I get caught up by that sometimes.

When I went to the computer to turn on your songs tonight I saw my playlist of lullabies, lullabies I played so often when you were a baby. It had been so long. You wanted to listen to them too, so we played them. I wonder if you remember them. I laid there on the bed with you while you drifted off to sleep, your baby doll snug beside you in the little bed you made for her. It was your second day of being six and I was just grateful that you still picked a baby doll for your birthday and loved her just as much as when you could first carry a doll in your arms.

Grateful you’re still little.

You seem older in so many ways. You watch out for your little brother, stay in bed at bedtime, and call me out when I forget about painting your nails like I said. Today you wrote our names in chalk on the driveway and decorated them in hearts and stars. Remember how nervous you were to draw hearts until Daddy showed you the easy way? Now you draw them all the time. They were my favorite when I was little too. You love to draw and paint and create things, and you are so very smart. You are reading and adding and figuring new things out all the time. I just wish I could keep up with you, discovering it all for the first time again. I feel like my attention is split so many ways these days and my energy has waned, but my love for you and all the wonderful things you are becoming is only growing. And oh how I loved spending the day with you yesterday. We got our nails done for the first time together and went shopping and ended the night with chocolate cake and slurpies with the rest of the family.

Tonight you fell asleep so quickly. Just an hour ago you were giggling under the trampoline with your cousins, playing until the day was gone. I laid there between you and your brother on your bed and listened to our lullabies, the very songs I listened to when I carried you closest in my growing belly. I’d fold your tiny clothes and dream of what it would be like to hold you and care for you. Oh how I dreamed.

And then you came.

The sweetest gift of motherhood came bundled in the prettiest blue eyes and the most precious feeling. I never wanted to leave the hospital because it felt like heaven was there with us, as though I could feel your angels staying there in our room, pouring out their love for you too. And then we brought you home and the feeling stayed. Maybe they stayed too.

I remember holding you on our bed in our little room, awed at the way your little fingers curled and your eyes moved. It was all so amazing to me. I wanted to care for you the best I could. I remember warming your bath towel in the dryer so you wouldn’t feel cold, and then your dad would air it out before using it so it wouldn’t be too hot. Sounds like him doesn’t it? He cares a lot too. These songs makes those early days with you seem so close. What a blessing it is to love you. And oh how we love you, so very very much. Happy birthday my sweet Ava.

#mamanotes #birthdayletters

Lately

2017-06-172017-06-22

Hey we’re still here! And our sweet babies arrived!

I have been wanting so much to update with all kinds of cute baby pictures and stories (and that will come) but I haven’t gotten around to it yet because well, I have newborn twins and a displaced toddler and a five year old seriously pushing back against the parenting that I’d been lacking the past few months on bedrest. That, and my computer died 🙁 …along with so many other essential electronic devices. Anybody else’s netflix not working? Or their VCR player? (probably don’t have one…) Or your printer? 😩

I’ve maxed out on memory cards and phone space waiting for my computer to get repaired so I can back it up to the cloud. But I just found out…my computer is not worth saving 🙁 so I will be getting a new one! (When I get around to it 😬) I definitely will be posting lots of cute baby pictures and stories eventually (it really is a sweet time, just so exhausting) but in the meantime, here is a little mamanote from the other day to give you a funny little glimpse into this life we’re living right now (highly doubt you’ll be jealous! haha)

Jake was carrying Esther to the couch when he sat down and looked at his feet. “I stepped in his poop. Can you wipe it off for me?”

A few minutes earlier we were sitting on our bed trying to soothe the babies when Hyrum came walking in with poop on his fingers and his foot. “Poop, Mom,” he said as he pointed with his goobered finger.

Horrified, I jumped up to shower him off while Jake went searching for the mess. Jake and the kids had just gotten home from swimming tonight while I stayed back with the twins. I spent the whole time trying to soothe two crying refluxing babies who both wanted to be held and spit up the moment they were set down (how does one person do that!?!)

I was so exhausted when he came back that I handed one off as soon as Jake got changed. Hyrum and Ava were still changing though, and Hyrum never got a new diaper on. Ava was going to put it on him (bless that 5 year old!) but she was in the room with us wanting to help with the babies and Hyrum went somewhere else.

Then he returned a few minutes later 😧🙈😩.

We found the original mess, but not before Jake stepped in the residue of it 😂.
We got it all cleaned up, managed to fix bowls of cereal and fried eggs for dinner (best we’ve got lately), walked the messy floor for an hour, listened to Ava cry that we couldn’t start a movie at 10pm, then tucked the older kids in bed three hours past their bedtime, hoping the babies would finally settle in bed soon too.

A few hours into this chaos Hyrum asked, “Where’d Grammy go?”

It had been only seven hours since we dropped her off at the airport and I was wondering the same thing.

My angel mother has been with us for the past three and a half weeks, cleaning, cooking, holding, changing, –helping with everything, and she went back home today. I’ve been a little teary wondering how we’re going to do it without her. I was barely managing with her here. Newborn twins with reflux is so much more than a one person job!! It’s taking everything I’ve got.

When we told Hyrum Grammy went back home, he got this sad look on his face and repeated, “Grammy went back home.”

Our house is feeling a little more empty and a lot more disheveled, but somehow I know we’ll make it through. It will all work out. We’re going to do a lot of praying and a whole lot of trying, and we’re just going to do it. 💪👊