Category Archives: Moments

Taken Care Of

Ava was surprised the other day when she heard that we can bake things with pumpkin.  (Clearly I’m still coming out of hibernation after having the twins, just starting to make a full week of dinners over here.)

BUT I am excited about baking again, it satisfies Ava’s love of making things and I love the opportunity it gives us to give some away, to have an easy excuse to go visit people.

We made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for the first time the other day. I promised the kids that we’d get outside and ride bikes, and as the last of the cookies finished and the sun began to wane, we quickly dropped some off to the lady a few doors down that let us borrow her ground cloves.

As the kids geared up to head out the door again, I thought about how this may be the best time to offer them to someone else, so I stood by the door wondering WHO to bring them to.

I quickly thought of the elderly man a few floors above us, he lost his wife to cancer just the week before.

I had never met him, but I cared about him. I put a few on a plate and wrapped them up, wrote a note at Ava’s request and ran out to meet the other kids already playing in the hallway.

I imagined he might have family there, might be out somewhere, or might not care for visitors. Maybe he was doing just fine, we could just drop them off real quick.

He didn’t have family there, or visitors. A pile of funeral programs and two vases of flowers still sat on his table. He greeted us gratefully, responded that he was “hanging in there,” and didn’t seem to mind the kids hanging on my legs as we talked.  He told me about his family, showed me a poem his autistic granddaughter wrote for him, and spoke of his last days with his wife with tears in his eyes. We talked for thirty minutes in his doorway, he mostly talked and I mostly listened, feeling my own tears and wishing I knew a way to better comfort him. Another lady down the hall toted my kids back and forth in her wagon until she got tired and Thea had to go potty.

I mentioned we’d better go home to the bathroom and he offered we use his. So we went inside and talked some more.

When we turned to leave, he looked down at the cookies and the funeral pamphlets next to them, his mouth pressed to keep back the tears.

I felt for him.

I wondered then, hesitant to leave him, perhaps people aren’t as “taken care of” as we think.

Are we ever “taken care of?”

I’m learning just how much we are all in need.

It’s inspiring to me the way God weaves our paths with others, the ones we need and who need us. When we are open to it, we see how we can reach out in simple ways. Ways for Him, and ways that take care of us both.

There’s a powerful feeling that comes when we take care of each other, when we try where we can, even when we’re not sure it’s needed or not sure we know how.

I imagine we both feel it. It’s God’s love we’re really sharing. We learn how to love more like Him and we get to feel His love because of that. Because we try. And that makes all the difference. #mamanotes

Potty Training Twins

(and how I’ve actually enjoyed it)

Potty training the twins has been so interesting to me. I dreaded it and put it off and mentally geared myself up for it for weeks while they insisted on using the potty and tried to put on underwear. So when the rain came and planned to stick around for days, I figured we might as well go for it since we’d be staying inside a lot of the time anyway.

But I still dreaded it.

Monday morning I thought of a great heap of reasons why we should put it off another few days or weeks, but Ava was too excited to show them their new underwear and I’d been putting her off for just as long too.

So we did it, we’ve been doing it. Five days in and we’re still not in the clear, but we’re getting there! And it’s surprising to me how much I’ve been enjoying it. How in the world have I been enjoying it?!

I’ve been back to back wiping up messes, folding laundry, dumping potties, picking up juice boxes, and soaking up spills. We’ve been up a lot at night, up too early in the morning, and up more than my body seems up to. I’ve been so tired. 

But I planned for this.

I planned to be 100% present and 100% WITH THEM. (Because how can you protect your couch without that?)

But that has made all the difference.

I think perhaps I have enjoyed my twins more than I ever have before. I’m enjoying them so much! We all are. I’ve laughed with them, cuddled with them, cheered for them. All day I read with them, played with them, LOOKED at them. Really saw them.

And now I see their squinty eyed, gap-toothed smiles as they lean their face into mine and feel my heart swell to bursting because of just how much I LOVE them. And I love this time with them. They are so adorable! So despite the challenges and the fatigue and the many moments I sink, I appreciate all this. It’s been so good.

And it’s inviting that much more joy in our home. #mamanotes

When Mother’s Day Doesn’t Go Your Way

“Mom remember this morning how Thea had poop on her finger and we couldn’t figure out where it came from? Well we found it! It’s in your closet!”

Jake and I slumped on the couch together at 9pm, wondering, with partial desperation (but mostly just exhaustion) why the day was so hard. Except we knew largely why. It was Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday and a whole clumpful of mixed expectations and efforts along with all the usual mess and mishaps (and lots of noise).

Add in my efforts to try to get a nice picture of all four of them together (because they were already dressed and looking nice for church) and everyone’s frustrations festered. I still didn’t end up getting it, at least not in their nice clothes.

It was funny (and not funny) throughout the day just thinking about everything that was happening. The twins fighting over their new toys, Ava yelling that she hated me, and Hyrum locking himself out of the apartment to pout. Esther was crying most of the day because she didn’t have the other stroller or she couldn’t fit her baby in just right, and the other kids whined and teased each other enough that I just laughed when we all sat down to eat brownies and ice cream because it was the quietest the house had been ALL DAY. We cringed at the thought of what our neighbors were thinking. We were all in need of a reset.

That reset came today. Jake and I got up before the kids to get ready for the day, and when Hyrum came into my room after waking I just held him. “I love you Mom,” he said, hugging me back.

I hugged them all as they woke up, looked into their little wanting eyes, and really looked, really listened. I moved along with their ideas and shooed away any thoughts of expectation. We fetched balloons from the grass, watched the wind move the leaves, and built train tracks. We still had tears and complaining and fits about strollers, but we were calmer, we had space to be calmer. And I really tried to hold that space too.

When Jake pulled up at the end of the day, we were already playing on the field. He joined in our frisbee throwing while the twins giggled holding hands and Hyrum rode his bike.

This is parenthood, I thought. It’s a mix of a lot of things, and certainly a lot that is hard. But a lot of it is fun and more of it is filling and all of it is growth. All of it is love. All of it is worth it. And I really love it all.

#mamanotes

When an Apostle & His Wife Carried My Toddler & Walked with Me Home

Elder Gong was at church again today. He’s in our ward along with Elder Rasband, but they are usually away on other assignments on Sunday.

They are apostles of Jesus Christ, some of only fifteen on the Earth today. It’s the neatest thing when they come. The Spirit of God fills the room when they speak. I feel it.

Last summer, a few months after we moved downtown, we were walking into church on Sunday and Elder Gong held the door open for us. I thought how neat that was, almost starstruck that here was an apostle of Jesus Christ, one of his special witnesses, helping ME.

Little did I know how much he and his sweet wife would be helping me just later that day.

The twins were too young to go to nursery at the time, so Jake and I would take turns strollering the babies around during second hour to get them to go to sleep.

That day they were especially cranky, in fact I couldn’t get them to settle down. They just kept crying.

I opened the church doors and started to make my way home, figuring that a nap was the only thing that would really settle them.

I stopped to soothe the babies at the end of the sidewalk because they were still crying. I sat back on my heels, searching my backpack for something to soothe them, when Elder and Sister Gong came up behind me asking if I would like some help.

“Oh I think they’re not feeling well or something, I figured I’d just take them home to nap.”

“Do you think they’ll be happier if we carry them?” Sister Gong offered.

“We could try it,” I said, not really sure what to do.

Sister Gong then picked Thea up from the stroller and her crying stopped. I did the same with Esther, and we started walking, Elder Gong pushing the stroller along with us.

I was sure to tell them that it was no short walk to our place, that we could try putting them back in the stroller and they could go on their way to wherever they needed to be. But they assured me that they were just fine and were happy to go with me all the way home.

Three quarters of a mile they walked and talked with me. Sister Gong carried Thea the entire way.

I thanked them greatly when we arrived to our door and felt somewhat bad for putting them out and keeping them from other things.

But the truth was, I think they were happy to. They carried what I couldn’t and lifted me up, just as the Savior would, if He was here. They are His friends, that was clear.

I’ve thought of that often, and what a special experience it was for me. I know they’re called of God to serve and witness of Him here, I’ve felt it and I know it.

Feeling Seen

...Esther crawled off, stood in front of me with her belly relaxed and her cheeks puffed under her eyes, and looked at me, locked right on my eyes. I looked back at hers and felt a pulse of something straight to my center and down to my toes. A physical feeling. Love, connection, vulnerability, all those things....

The other day I was sitting on the floor by my bed while the kids were jumping onto it.

Esther crawled off, stood in front of me with her belly relaxed and her cheeks puffed under her eyes, and looked at me, locked right on my eyes.

I looked back at hers and felt a pulse of something straight to my center and down to my toes. A physical feeling. Love, connection, vulnerability, all those things.

In those moments we were entirely present, enough to exchange a split second something that felt surprisingly important.

A reminder maybe, that they see me. More than I think.

Or that I see them. That I am really present, really listening, and that they are too. Even just for that moment. I wonder if it lights them up inside like it does for me. Hyrum often wraps me in a hug when I look him in the eyes, like a core reaction to feeling seen.

It’s a powerful thing to let ourselves be really present with others. Love, connection, vulnerability, all those things. Even just a simple recognizing, acknowledging, and BEING SEEN. It’s powerful.

Have you noticed how much more content others seem when we look them in the eyes? (kids and spouse included). When we really SEE them?

Not in passing, not in prodding, not in asking, just when the option is there?

It’s a beautiful thing, and one I want to do more of.
#mamanotes