Category Archives: Mama Notes

For All the Hard Things

For all the hard things in my parenting experience, there is far more good. I’m convinced that family life is a powerful, intentional crucible for experience, LOVE, and profound growth.

I cried to Jake on the phone the other day while the babies napped and the kids watched a movie in the other room. I had these feelings I was trying to sort out earlier in the day and their energetic little bodies followed me into each room I quietly slipped into. I guess the feelings never got sorted out because I ended up in tears, but I felt just fine after talking it through and letting it go, when I had the moment to.

Sometimes when I’m going from one dumped cup to another crying child and then to the sink to clean out poopy underwear I think there’s just no way to recount the series of events involved in each day of raising young children. It’s hard work and it’s hard to explain.

But that is so very much with the way I feel about it too. It’s hard to explain how fulfilled I am by it. How much I love it. Or how grateful I am to have them— they are the greatest blessings the way they fill cracks in my heart and refine my soul and paint life with the happiest joys. They are beams of light in our home and every whisp of curl and fold of skin and the sweet, silly way they do things and learn things brings me wonder at the beautiful creation of life! And how blessed I feel to be a part of it.

Glad I get to fill bellies and nurture hearts and be the one they want to follow into every room. It is such a gift.

#mamanotes

One Year

Esther and Thea turned one the other month and we showered them with love and frosted cake and celebrated the joy of having them with us the past year, and all throughout the day and the weeks before I just soaked in the emotion of it all and wondered if I could put it into words.  After their birth it took me months to write down their birth story because I didn’t have the words to. It was such a special experience and I forfeited writing for a while because words just didn’t seem enough (and I was neck deep in newborn care.)  I still  have a hard time finding the right words for them. They are such a blessing! These babies have changed us, they have changed me from the inside out. Since their earliest growth inside me I feel I was pushed into a growth of my own, perhaps dumped out and replanted altogether. But I am gathering more sunlight than ever and couldn’t be happier.

It seems dreamy to me really, that we get to raise them and love them and watch them grow and laugh and play together. I don’t know why this was our gift, but sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst I am so grateful. Today they climbed up into their stroller and peaked up over the edge at me with the cutest top teeth and smiles that squinted their eyes. They seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment, climbing all the way up there the first time, and beamed all that joy back to me. I soaked it up.

They’re walking around now, beaming joy everywhere. And we are all soaking it up. Ava and Hyrum get excited about every new sound they make or thing they do, and when we’re all together playing steamroller on the rug or racing rolling down a hill, or even just watching a movie and eating crackers on the carpet together, I think about how wonderful it is to have them, all of them.  I’ve noticed when I take pictures at home now there is so much going on, so many little faces and bodies going different directions, doing different things, playing with each other. I love it. My life is so different now than it was six years ago when I became a mother, it’s all the more hard and busy and wonderful and so many other things. And I am so grateful.

Can you See Mt. Rushmore?

This time last year our girls were one month old, suffering from severe reflux and needing to be soothed around the clock. Summer had arrived and was entreating seemingly all but us to its pleasant reprieve and active adventures.

We were barely keeping our heads above water and rushed our tired bodies to bed each night as soon as the babies were soothed long enough for their first stretch of nighttime sleep. Free time was like the faint sighting of land while treading in a grey ocean. We weren’t discouraged or unhappy, we adored these babies with the biggest of grateful hearts! We were just tired, so tired.

I don’t remember what sparked the idea, perhaps some longing for a sense of normalcy, but we decided to take a trip to South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore in the midst of all this. I don’t know how we managed to pack for our weekend trip, but somehow we made it on the road for a six hour ride and the aid of the car to soothe our girls to sleep. We figured we’d just be at home soothing them, we might as well take a ride in the car somewhere.

I remember the peace in that drive, the waves of prairie grass and the different colored cows. I grew such a love for driving through open spaces while living out there.

We visited Mt. Rushmore, and I remember being more intrigued with it than I thought I’d be. I would’ve even stayed to watch the movie about it if the babies weren’t crying and Hyrum climbing over seats. My favorite part though was driving through the surrounding Black Hills. It was so beautiful there!

At one point we stopped to eat and hike around a bit, and when we got to the top of the rocks we discovered a stunning view of the hills with Mt. Rushmore tucked right in the middle of them! That was a highlight for me. And just before we left, a mountain goat leaped across the rocks a few yards away from us. I think that was a highlight for Jake.

I don’t think we have ever been more exhausted on a trip, hardly managing a solid hour’s sleep. We forgot the babies’ rock n plays— the beds they are so accustomed to, that help with their reflux.— So we improvised an inclined bed in the base of their stroller, and although they looked cozy, we were up with them almost constantly it seemed.

But it was a taste of normalcy, this trip, just being out somewhere, especially somewhere new. Jake took the kids to breakfast and a park so I could sleep, and the older two got to swim with him at the water park hotel. And despite the exhaustion, we loved it and are so glad we went!

And oh to think how far we’ve come! Our baby girls are now our best sleepers! We are taking picnics, running through sprinklers, visiting family, and going away on the weekends. It is such a glorious time with these four little ones.

The other day I was at Trader Joe’s as the temperatures were first starting to warm, and I walked past a barrel of watermelons and a group of people barbecuing by the doorway. I smiled from ear to ear walking through those doors! Summer had arrived and it felt so nostalgic to me, so wonderfully, joyfully nostalgic, as though it had been a long while since I had played in it. But it really hadn’t been that long! Last summer was just so different.

Now the fun we are all enjoying this summer—the swimming, the smells, and the whole laid back feel of it—is somehow conjuring up the sweetest of summer memories from years ago. I am loving summer like never before, or perhaps all the years before, and that has been such a gift. #mamanotes

mama notes

We walked through the garden in the park to this shady patch of trees. My favorite places are the simple ones we find, places we can run free and play without a lot of people around— off the beaten path you’d say. They become special to us, we return again and make it that way.

The babies muddied their toes in piles of dirt and yellow petals and the older two climbed the little stone wall to be closer to the sprinklers. They’d dance and laugh in anticipation, then squeal in delight once pummeled with spray.

I watched in delight too. It’s one of my favorite things watching my kids play together.

I’ve been so happy lately. It’s as though every plant or person or cloud in the sky lights me up inside, and the hard things aren’t getting me down as easily. I’m just so grateful! It’s my season perhaps. Maybe it’s the sunshine, the outdoor play, or our time with so many loved ones. Perhaps so many other things too, but I am finding such joy in this time of our lives I hardly have time to find anything else. #mamanotes

We took the Trax to dinner tonight, all six of us. Jake and I were a little nervous as we set everyone up to the table, hoping we’d all finish eating before the babies started squealing. They eat so fast. But they all did so great! —and we all really enjoyed it. We were so happy about that. We love being out and about together.

We headed back on the train and split up at the mall. Jake walked with the kids to the grocery store to get some snacks and treats for our movie night, and I walked around with the twins. The babies were tired and restless, but as we walked closer to our building I heard the echo of singing at the street corner. I strollered the twins toward the girl singing on the corner, and we stood there and listened to her sweet music along with the couple on their bikes and the men in their suits and the theatre guests on the outside balcony across the street. So many people coming and going and stopping to listen. She had such a gift!

The evening air was warm and breezy, not just the feel of it, but the color of it too, all amber and warm. The sun was on its way down, and I just stood there taking it all in— the music, the people, the feeling. The babies sat there too all calm like me for those few minutes we paused, and I just couldn’t help but feel so happy. Perhaps they were enjoying it just as much as me. #mamanotes

Good Things to Come

There’s a lilac tree behind our old house in North Dakota that blooms this time of year. We first arrived there in the fall and its leaves were green and soon to turn. Little did we know that it would bloom in the loveliest shades of purple just a few months later.

At the end of our first [cold and windy] winter we anxiously waited for new life on the trees and leaped in excitement when all the tiny buds started to appear. We wondered what kind of tree this would be, and waited, hopefully, for flowers. Then it sprouted little leaves! —then tiny blossoms that grew and puffed into copious shapes of butterflies! It was beautiful and refreshing and we loved it so much.

It was our favorite tree. It gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for such good things to come. And there were so many good things that came. Long days in the sun, dear friends, new landscapes, and sweet time together. And of course the happiest news of our twins to be.

Then the winter came again. It swept the branches bare and gave some very dark, cold days. It was long and hard and I was very much pregnant with twins. I often looked through my kitchen window to find a blue bird or a bunny finding comfort under those branches, as if to bring me comfort too.

We left for Utah in early April when snow still covered the roads and fresh color seemed elusive. The twins were born in May and with their blessed arrival we began a trying journey through what Jake and I would call three of the hardest months of our lives. Rest was elusive for all of us, and the babies struggled so much in their little bodies. It was hard to see a light of normalcy ahead.

springtime backyard

One week in, we returned to our home in ND and there found the prettiest purple blossoms welcoming us home. This simple backyard bush gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for good things to come. And there have been so many good things. Two healthy little girls, three states to explore, four times the strength I’m guessing we used to have, and a joy greater than we could have imagined.  We couldn’t be more grateful for where it all has brought us. Definitely closer, and surely blessed. #mamanotes