Seven

2019-02-042019-02-04

Dear Ava,

It seems you’ve been seven long before today. Sometimes I forget how little you are. You recall little details, understand big things, and make friends of adults too.

But you’re still little.

The other day you had a meltdown about something I can’t remember, and as I held you in my lap you held your hands out to keep your sparkly nail polish from smearing. They are so little still.

You are colorful and fun and seem so much to want to connect your heart with others. You love creating and painting, wrestling on the bed, and you love to learn from stories. You can’t get enough stories.

I was surprised with your birthday request this year. I guess I figured you’d be interested in other things, but sure enough you twirl on your toes and love to take pictures, like me.

You asked for a camera for your birthday, and you couldn’t be more thrilled. You’ve been taking pictures all weekend, carefully selecting your favorites and deleting all the rest. All the while repeating things like, “Oh mom I just love this camera so much!” and “I’m just so happy I have this.”

We are so much alike— the way we dance for a pick me up, thrill in the sunshine, and cuddle up for books and good words.

I love spending this time with you.

You are light to me you know. Brilliant, beautiful light. You seem to be drawn to it too, soaking up every bit of truth and really recognizing it. I’ve thought often how quickly a soul can grow once here, because I’ve seen it in you. I’m sure you were much prepared in heaven.

You are ready to be here, Ava. Ready to do your part in this great time of times. That part will be important, I’m sure. I feel it in your excitement for life, your thrill for learning, and your testimony of truth.

Just glad you are still little, still growing, and that I still get to be a part of that.

We love you dearly Ava. You are a gift to the world and a beacon of light. Please keep sharing. Keep gathering that light and shine it like you do.

All my love,

Mom

#mamanotes #birthdayletters

Lullabies Tonight

2018-02-112018-02-11

Dear Ava,

You asked for lullabies tonight, and usually I’d sing you some while you give me your arm or your back to tickle, but this time you wanted songs from the computer. You learned how to find and play them the other day and that’s been so fun for you. Sometimes I’ll come into your room and you have the happiest Christmas music blasting while you organize your trinkets in the desk drawer. You love to find special places for your things and organize them. Lately your special things are seashells from our trips to the coast and little pieces of fabric from Grandma’s sewing room. Remember how you made me a little bag for my things all by yourself? I am still amazed how you did that. I love how you didn’t wait to try something you’ve never done before. I get caught up by that sometimes.

When I went to the computer to turn on your songs tonight I saw my playlist of lullabies, lullabies I played so often when you were a baby. It had been so long. You wanted to listen to them too, so we played them. I wonder if you remember them. I laid there on the bed with you while you drifted off to sleep, your baby doll snug beside you in the little bed you made for her. It was your second day of being six and I was just grateful that you still picked a baby doll for your birthday and loved her just as much as when you could first carry a doll in your arms.

Grateful you’re still little.

You seem older in so many ways. You watch out for your little brother, stay in bed at bedtime, and call me out when I forget about painting your nails like I said. Today you wrote our names in chalk on the driveway and decorated them in hearts and stars. Remember how nervous you were to draw hearts until Daddy showed you the easy way? Now you draw them all the time. They were my favorite when I was little too. You love to draw and paint and create things, and you are so very smart. You are reading and adding and figuring new things out all the time. I just wish I could keep up with you, discovering it all for the first time again. I feel like my attention is split so many ways these days and my energy has waned, but my love for you and all the wonderful things you are becoming is only growing. And oh how I loved spending the day with you yesterday. We got our nails done for the first time together and went shopping and ended the night with chocolate cake and slurpies with the rest of the family.

Tonight you fell asleep so quickly. Just an hour ago you were giggling under the trampoline with your cousins, playing until the day was gone. I laid there between you and your brother on your bed and listened to our lullabies, the very songs I listened to when I carried you closest in my growing belly. I’d fold your tiny clothes and dream of what it would be like to hold you and care for you. Oh how I dreamed.

And then you came.

The sweetest gift of motherhood came bundled in the prettiest blue eyes and the most precious feeling. I never wanted to leave the hospital because it felt like heaven was there with us, as though I could feel your angels staying there in our room, pouring out their love for you too. And then we brought you home and the feeling stayed. Maybe they stayed too.

I remember holding you on our bed in our little room, awed at the way your little fingers curled and your eyes moved. It was all so amazing to me. I wanted to care for you the best I could. I remember warming your bath towel in the dryer so you wouldn’t feel cold, and then your dad would air it out before using it so it wouldn’t be too hot. Sounds like him doesn’t it? He cares a lot too. These songs makes those early days with you seem so close. What a blessing it is to love you. And oh how we love you, so very very much. Happy birthday my sweet Ava.

#mamanotes #birthdayletters

Happy Birthday Bug

2017-01-05

Dear Hyrum,

On your second birthday you woke up before the rest of us and laid down on the floor next to our bed, still gripping your little elephant on its matted trunk, as usual. I heard the quiet clicks of your binki clip as you walked, waking me just enough to see you fast asleep on the floor again. I scooped you up and tucked you into the covers between us. “Happy Birthday Bug,” I whispered as you tried your hardest to fall back asleep. “Happy birday,” you repeated, as you always do.

Grandma made us eggs for breakfast, fresh from the chickens you love to see in their yard. It was your cousin’s wedding day, and we had lots of errands to run and places to be. You were so patient sitting there in the backseat with your sister, falling asleep for a time, then playing with the little train you got for Christmas. At the temple I was busy taking family pictures while Daddy carried you around in your sweater and socks because we couldn’t find your shoes in the car. You just loved being out there and you loved being with him.

Then it was off to the restaurant to get food with family, and while we were eating you stood up in your high chair and pulled a candy bin from the shelf next to us. You just sat there with it for a while before we even noticed! You LOVE sweets, but you were a good sport when you had to put them back. You had plenty of them at the reception though. You sat under the table with your cousin playing with spoons and eating cookies. Then you were running around with your sister and your cousins, only stopping long enough for me to change you into your dragon pajamas at the end of the night.

Oh how I love you Hyrum. These days I can’t seem to soak up enough of you–your laughter, your quirks, your hugs. I love playing with you and watching you play. You are so sweet and so fun.

It is a few days after your birthday and our first day home from the trip. Ava was so excited to celebrate your birthday today—to eat cake with you and give you your gift and make it special for you. She really loves you too.

Dad was also excited. He drove you and Ava through a blizzard to the neighboring town to get you a special ice cream cake so we could sing to you and eat cake with you. (He may have been the most excited about that cake 😉 You love having him home, and he loves being home with you. Whenever you see him you run into his arms saying, “Daddy home! Daddy home.” Today he made a fort with you and Ava downstairs and helped you set up the train set that we got for your present. You really love trains, and it’s the cutest thing the way you say choo choo.

We love you dear Hyrum. We love you so much. We are blessed every day to have you with us!

Happy Birthday little bug!

When You Wonder How to Do It

2016-06-272016-06-28

To my daughter when you wonder how to do it,

Someday you may be a mother. You may be finishing off your kids’ quesadillas with crumbs stuck to your feet, knots in your hair, and strawberry smudges on your shirt. And you may be wondering, how did she do it? How did my mom do this?

I’ll tell you how I’m doing it.

I am sitting in my kitchen finishing off my kids’ quesadillas with crumbs stuck to my feet, knots in my hair, and strawberry smudges on my shirt. I am playing hide and seek, peek-a-boo, and red-light green-light, over and over. I am waiting for nap-time, snacking before dinner time, and putting off bedtime. I am giving kisses, filling bellies, and cleaning up messes, multiple times a day. I am doubting, stressing, and snapping from time to time. And I am tired. Mothering is a lot of work.

But I am happy.

I am happy to cuddle dreamers, encourage thinkers, and sing lullabies before bed. I am happy to give rides in laundry baskets, inspire good choices, and teach you how to pray. I am happy to have all of these stretching, testing, beautiful experiences that refine me and teach me. Happy to share all of it with you.

I am having the greatest time just watching you little ones be little. You are doing amazing things! I never thought I’d be so enthralled with babbling words, chubby cheeks, and bikes without training wheels. But I am! And you are just as excited that I’m right there with you, smiling back, picking you up, and cheering you on.

I get to care for you, teach you, and love you. And oh how I love you.

I get to be your mom.

And I am grateful for that, because someday I may be a Grandma. I may be stirring up a batch of chocolate chip cookies in a beautifully clean kitchen, with a hand-sewn apron tied around my waist. I may be reminiscing about this beautiful time in my life, perhaps wishing I could go back, even just for a moment. Someday you may be too.

So keep eating those quesadillas, filling those bellies, and giving those kisses. What you are doing is the best thing you could be doing. At times we all wonder how they did it, or how we’re supposed to do it, but maybe that isn’t as important. Perhaps what’s most important is to simply to do our best and enjoy it while we can.

*A quick afterthought… I was looking up some family history online today on familysearch.org and found this little gem of encouragement from my own mother and great grandmother! It’s from a talk my mom gave at her grandmother’s funeral.

She said, “Many times when I have been frustrated with the job of raising eight very active children and I feel that I have done absolutely nothing significant any particular day, Grandma’s wise words have come into my mind–‘You have gotten those children one day older–and sometimes that’s quite an accomplishment!’ I can’t count the times that thought has sustained me and encouraged me to try again another day.”

How neat is that!? It seems these feelings are universal, we all feel them at times. I just think it’s funny that I found that online, of all places. 🙂 Familysearch.org is so neat!

Sweet Assurances

2016-04-052016-04-05

I wrote this letter to Ava in my journal the other day and wondered if I should share it. Sometimes I feel funny about sharing my personal thoughts and feelings, but ultimately that’s why I have a blog–to share the things that shape me and inspire me and bring me joy–hopefully we can share goodness with others too.

Dear Ava,

Today you seemed so happy. It was a family day with Daddy home and Hyrum running across the carpets with his gap-toothed grin, as usual. You love these days. Daddy made you breakfast and a fort downstairs where you watched a show together. Then you and Daddy played monster, giggling under the blankets waiting for me to find you. Then it was jacket time and socks and boots and pants because your friends might be home and you love playing with them. After a few minutes of jumping on the trampoline they went inside for breakfast and the two of us jumped up and down and chased each other’s shadows. While we hopped in circles you told me how you love jumping with me.

I love jumping with you too. I love playing with you and learning with you and being so happy with you. We all do. You are so spirited and fun and eager to enjoy all the goodness around you.

Tonight after riding our skateboards and bikes to the park, Daddy went to church for the priesthood conference session and I bathed you and your brother and smoothed aloe on your sun pinked skin. You played all day under those warming rays, jumping and running and laughing with your friends. You were tired. I tucked your little legs under the covers and said our bedtime prayer, at your request. Your head stayed up for just a few moments before slipping onto the mattress with the close of your eyes. In that quiet moment at the edge of the bed, I thanked Heavenly Father for this beautiful day with you and Daddy and Hyrum. I thanked Him for the Gospel and all the goodness and joy we have because of it. And then I prayed for heaven’s help. I prayed for help as I learn how to mother. As I struggle to mother.

A few times this week as I stood against your sass and strong will, I wondered how to do it. There is so much I don’t know and my weaknesses are becoming apparent. Sometimes I think about all the mothers that have done it and are doing it and that gives me strength. But you know what gives me the most strength? I know that we have heaven on our side. Raising you two little ones is the greatest thing I could be doing right now, and I have God and the angels in heaven to help me. I have no doubt that they have whispered in my ear from time to time how I can be a little more patient or humble or kind. I want you to know that in the Gospel of Jesus Christ we can be taught from on high if we ask for it and listen. So that is what I prayed for.

All my love,

Mom