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Because I Feel Joy

I sat on the couch reading when I heard a few sniffles from the kitchen. Hyrum was in his highchair stuffing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth and Ava was at the table.

“Are you ok Ava?” I asked.

“Ya,” she reponded confidently.

A minute later she walked up to me with a handful of pictures she had gathered earlier from the front of the fridge. She leaned against me, holding the pictures out so I could see them. I looked down at some of my favorite pictures–of the Savior and the temple–then looked back at her. I noticed a little tear on the top of her cheek.

“You have a tear,” I said.

She nodded.

“How come you have a tear?”

She kept her eyes on the pictures in her hands.

“Because I feel joy.”

I felt the tears well above my cheeks and hugged her close enough to whisper.

“These things bring me joy too.”

Happiness has seemed largely elusive to me over the past few months. It’s been a hard time, and I have struggled to keep my head up.

So often I am lying on the couch, trying to pull myself out, trying to figure out how. Not that I’m trying to get off the couch–I’m supposed to be there, and have been the past six weeks.

But I’m trying to learn what it means to have joy in the midst of trial, when things aren’t so inherently happy and we have to push ourselves deeper to feel it. My whole life I’ve felt joy–it seems to come so easily in the good times and return quickly after the bad.

This time has been so different though.

Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the thick of the hard things–brilliant sunshine and steady air are still stretches ahead of me. But I also think there is much good in this–good that really doesn’t feel so happy, but is good for me. And maybe there is joy in that too.

I’ll tell you a little bit how. Lately I feel like I am learning what it means to really rely on God. I am learning how to trust more, hope more, endure more. But it doesn’t feel like blind trust or empty hope. It’s not at all. In the midst of my struggle, I am seeing how real and wonderful the Savior’s grace really is. As I have turned to Him so desperately at times, pleading for Him to take my hand and lift me, He does.

He really does lift me.

I wish I could describe it or even pinpoint exactly how I have felt strengthened, lifted, and loved, but I can’t really. I feel it though. It is real. And now when I think of Him, things are different. I can hardly keep the tears from swelling. I am so grateful for Him and what He suffered so that He could help me like this. I have felt His love AND His grace, and my heart is so much more full. So as much as I’ve been feeling my days to be dim, as much as I am struggling, my joy is still there. It’s more of a quiet, grateful feeling, but it is still there. And that’s enough for now.

Things are hard, but I am growing. Uncomfortably so, but it is still good. This kind of growth needs the rain just as much as it needs the sunshine. And the sunshine will come, soon enough.

Puddles, Snow, & Potty Training

Ava went with Jake to Bismarck today, so Hyrum and I got to spend a lot of time together–eating bowls of oranges, reading books, pulling all the clothes out of my dresser, laying on the couch, and jumping in piles of pillows on my bed… Obviously we weren’t together the whole time (my bedroom floor makes that clear), but I love that I can still hear his little voice in my head–“Wook a me Mom!” –And the way his eyes got all squinty when he jumped ’cause he was smiling so big. I just love being with him.

Last week we had warmer days, melting snow, and lots of outside playtime. The kids loved it (and I did too!) And between all the puddles, snow, and potty training, Hyrum was always running out of dry pants!

Now the temperatures have chilled, new snow has fallen, and Hyrum is back in diapers. And I’m totally ok with that because there are even more good things to come! My laundry is less, spring is just around the corner, and all is well when I hear Hyrum say, “I peed.” It’s great. (We gave it 3 weeks and as much as I wanted him to be, he just wasn’t ready. And that’s ok too.) #mamanotes

Buddies

Ava and I sat on my bed with our legs stretched out scooping the last of the crumbs from the bag of chips. It was quiet except for our talking and crunching and the few cars going by outside. “I can’t wait until Hyrum wakes up so I can play with him,” she said.
These two have been playing together a lot lately and it’s one of my favorite things. He follows her and copies her and runs around dancing and chasing monsters with her and she couldn’t love it more. And I’m right there with her. I couldn’t love it more. #mamanotes

A Family Valentines

I sat on the back porch in the afternoon sun watching the kids squeal with excitement to be outside. They chased bubbles on the steps and down the only narrow pathway paved from snow. Ava made some new tracks through the backyard mounds and Hyrum got stuck trying to follow. Then she sat on the fence by the little tree and said, “Hey mom do you remember when I used to climb this tree?” like it’s been years since it had leaves and branches warm enough to climb. Sometimes it feels that way.

Then Jake came home with chocolate covered strawberries and an empty snack container to make a piggy bank with Ava. She was so excited.

We lit candles and ate on paper plates to avoid dishes after dinner. Hyrum kept trying to blow the candles out and turn back on the lights (he’s only seen candles on a birthday cake and that’s just what you do!) We pulled the sparkling grape juice from the snow outside and cheers-ed to a Happy Valentine’s Day with our four paper cups.

We finished the night with a game of candy land and cinnamon rolls from a dear friend then watched the kids dance to music across the family room floor before tucking them in bed with lots of I love you’s.

Ava fell asleep within minutes of cuddling, and when I laid next to Hyrum to try to help him fall asleep, he pressed his little hand onto the side of my face, brought it right against his and gave me a kiss. I smiled the happiest of smiles and told him I loved him, to which he replied, “Love you Mom.” My heart could burst I so adore him.

Between the love of my life and these two little love bugs, we’re all just full of love over here and I just feel so lucky. #mamanotes

Faith to Walk

I had a few bouts of emotion the past two nights, trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my head up for a few more months of winter–stuck inside, on bedrest, and then stuck inside longer when the babies come. And then what to do about caring for the kids and the house and Jake’s concussion–how are we going to do it?

I prayed for help through my tears, asking for strength to cope and guidance on what to do. Perhaps it sounds a little dramatic, but in those moments I was really feeling distraught.

I brushed my teeth and wiped my tears, then curled up on the couch to read something from a church magazine before bed. I flipped through the pages looking for something to catch my eye and came across this article that helped me to see my situation from a different perspective. It’s been enlightening for me and I want to share how helpful it was.

The article is about the divine power of grace, God’s grace. This is the power that lifts us and strengthens us, “it enables the recipient to do and be what he or she cannot do and cannot be if left to his or her own means.” And oh how we need it!

But how do we have access to it?

The article points out that one of the ways we access the Savior’s grace (or help) is through faith–faith in Him, Jesus Christ.

He then invites us to consider the apostle Peter’s experience of walking on water to the Lord… Bear with me here while I quote the story from him. It was so enlightening to me reading about it this way.

“Like us at times, Peter and the disciples were in the midst of a tempestuous sea. Jesus came to them, walking on the water and bidding them to come to Him. With hope, Peter came down out of the boat into the boisterous sea and walked toward the Lord. His hope in Christ, coupled with determined action, permitted him to receive the power of walking on the water. But, looking at the storm around him, Peter doubted and began to sink. ‘Lord, save me,’ he cried. In response, the scripture records that ‘immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him’ (Matthew 14:30–31). When Peter fixed his eyes on the Lord and acted in faith, he had power to do what he could not do on his own—walk on the water.

When Peter took his eyes off of the Lord and doubted, Peter severed himself from that power, was left to his own, and began to sink. Note well the response of the Lord to Peter’s cry for help. ‘Immediately’ did the Lord extend His hand to save him. Such is the availability of the Lord’s grace in our time of need.”

In my feelings of crisis, I thought I was having faith in the Savior’s power to help me, but really I was just rolling on the floor of the boat, hoping for it. I was not walking, I wasn’t even at the edge of the boat building up the courage to walk. I was covering my eyes, too scared of the boisterous sea around me.

With that realization, I put the lid on the carton of ice cream I was eating, put down my fork, and prayed for the faith to trust Him, to really trust Him–to walk, to get up, to do it. Because I know that with Him, I can do it, it will all work out. I’ve known that, I just haven’t really walked, haven’t really trusted.

I went to bed feeling so much more hopeful, realizing that He’s been there all along, I just needed to trust Him and get off the boat.

This morning I woke up to sunshine and I even noticed tiny little stubs on the branches outside!! (Or at least it looked like it. That’s good enough.) Ok back track…this morning I woke up at 4:30 to Hyrum coming into our room and not being able to go back to sleep, then waking up Ava. They both couldn’t fall back asleep, so we gave them bananas and put on a movie in the playroom, and we went back to partial sleep for a few more hours. 😉

But then the morning was just so much better than the past few mornings. I couldn’t even tell you what changed, but my spirit was lifted. I felt happy about the new day and the days ahead. Optimistic even. It’s amazing how grace works; it’s amazing and it’s real.

I’m sure I will still sink plenty more times, but at least I’m going to try to trust Him–off the boat, in the water, facing the challenges around me with my eyes fixed on Him. And when I do sink, I’ll have His grace to lift me up to do and be what I couldn’t on my own. Grateful for that. And grateful for this answer to my prayers.

 

I love watching these two from the window–Ava is so sweet with her brother, especially because he was constantly getting stuck in the snow! They have been close buddies lately (despite the mixed in quarrels) and I’m grateful for that. 🙂