This River

2018-04-07

Esther started walking this week! It’s so fun to see her toddle around, it’s the cutest thing. It’s hard to think that they will only be babies a little while longer. A few months maybe? Is there a moment of change? It seems they gradually grow into their toddling bodies with each new tooth, new word, and next step and we see it all and celebrate every one. But then they are walking and talking and eating just like us and we realize how quickly they left their babyness behind—how quickly their arms reach out instead of up and their bodies curl less in our arms. It’s like a river of childhood, where the baby months seem to pass most rapidly.

The rapids have been strong this year with two, and half the time I am so busy holding on that there has been little rest in the surroundings or the details. But calmer water is already steadying us, they are sleeping through the night and off playing with toys, and I am reminded that this time, this sweet baby time is so precious and fleeting! I can’t help but ache a little to leave behind the water that is passing so quickly, their sweet tinyness and greatest neediness, however rapidly it has tossed me.

So I am embracing it all and riding in the river too—cleaning their hands and kissing their cheeks, still holding them while they sleep and playing with them while they play, with the energy of my heart to keep me afloat. And I’ll still hold them close, for as long as I can.
#mamanotes

Lullabies Tonight

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Dear Ava,

You asked for lullabies tonight, and usually I’d sing you some while you give me your arm or your back to tickle, but this time you wanted songs from the computer. You learned how to find and play them the other day and that’s been so fun for you. Sometimes I’ll come into your room and you have the happiest Christmas music blasting while you organize your trinkets in the desk drawer. You love to find special places for your things and organize them. Lately your special things are seashells from our trips to the coast and little pieces of fabric from Grandma’s sewing room. Remember how you made me a little bag for my things all by yourself? I am still amazed how you did that. I love how you didn’t wait to try something you’ve never done before. I get caught up by that sometimes.

When I went to the computer to turn on your songs tonight I saw my playlist of lullabies, lullabies I played so often when you were a baby. It had been so long. You wanted to listen to them too, so we played them. I wonder if you remember them. I laid there on the bed with you while you drifted off to sleep, your baby doll snug beside you in the little bed you made for her. It was your second day of being six and I was just grateful that you still picked a baby doll for your birthday and loved her just as much as when you could first carry a doll in your arms.

Grateful you’re still little.

You seem older in so many ways. You watch out for your little brother, stay in bed at bedtime, and call me out when I forget about painting your nails like I said. Today you wrote our names in chalk on the driveway and decorated them in hearts and stars. Remember how nervous you were to draw hearts until Daddy showed you the easy way? Now you draw them all the time. They were my favorite when I was little too. You love to draw and paint and create things, and you are so very smart. You are reading and adding and figuring new things out all the time. I just wish I could keep up with you, discovering it all for the first time again. I feel like my attention is split so many ways these days and my energy has waned, but my love for you and all the wonderful things you are becoming is only growing. And oh how I loved spending the day with you yesterday. We got our nails done for the first time together and went shopping and ended the night with chocolate cake and slurpies with the rest of the family.

Tonight you fell asleep so quickly. Just an hour ago you were giggling under the trampoline with your cousins, playing until the day was gone. I laid there between you and your brother on your bed and listened to our lullabies, the very songs I listened to when I carried you closest in my growing belly. I’d fold your tiny clothes and dream of what it would be like to hold you and care for you. Oh how I dreamed.

And then you came.

The sweetest gift of motherhood came bundled in the prettiest blue eyes and the most precious feeling. I never wanted to leave the hospital because it felt like heaven was there with us, as though I could feel your angels staying there in our room, pouring out their love for you too. And then we brought you home and the feeling stayed. Maybe they stayed too.

I remember holding you on our bed in our little room, awed at the way your little fingers curled and your eyes moved. It was all so amazing to me. I wanted to care for you the best I could. I remember warming your bath towel in the dryer so you wouldn’t feel cold, and then your dad would air it out before using it so it wouldn’t be too hot. Sounds like him doesn’t it? He cares a lot too. These songs makes those early days with you seem so close. What a blessing it is to love you. And oh how we love you, so very very much. Happy birthday my sweet Ava.

#mamanotes #birthdayletters

When you cannot do what you have always done

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“When you cannot do what you have always done,

then you only do what matters most.” -Robert D. Hales

I have felt really exhausted lately. Rarely a good night’s rest, and so much to do on so little sleep. And free time, what’s that?

But two years ago a sweet sister missionary in our lds branch wrote this quote on a bookmark and gave it to me (before I even knew I was pregnant with twins). It’s from David A. Bednar’s conference talk a few years back, quoting Robert D. Hales. Little did she know how much I would entirely CLING to that comforting reminder two years down the road.

When I focus on the things that matter most, I can feel like I am doing enough. I am trying to remind myself that it IS enough, but what’s clear is that this is where my JOY is.

This morning I asked myself, “What is most important for me to do today?” My mind was full of a hundred things I needed to do, or wanted to do, but only a few were MOST important.

Pray. Read my scriptures. Love on my family and take care of them. THIS is my joy.

Having done these things by the end of the day I felt like I was doing alright, despite all the things I didn’t do. These are what matter most, and “what matters most lasts the longest.”

Even then, I still managed to shower, put a few loads of laundry through (through, not folded and put away 🙂 read to my kids, feed them, take them to the park, write a mamanote, make soup for dinner, wash some dishes (after the kids went to bed), and order more binkis online.

I DIDN’T pick up the clutter, wipe down the counters, finish the dishes, vacuum the floors, CLEAN THE BATHROOMS (been on my list for a while now ), go through those bills, research that baby rash, trim the kids’ nails, exercise, meal plan, edit pictures, order winter clothes for the kids and new sheets for us (completely ripped while I stood on them last week to get pictures of the twins,) update my blog, play with my kids more, make family videos, take a nap, among so many other things I needed or wanted to do. (This is still a HUGE improvement from a few months ago when I hardly had time to pour myself a bowl of cereal and eat it.)

But somehow, I feel ok with that. Those things will move over to tomorrow’s list, but today I filled with the most important things, and that is always enough.

#mamanotes

Counting

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1. TIME with Ava and Hyrum. The other day I was feeling kind of bummed that I have so little time to give attention to Ava & Hyrum. I hardly have time to pour them a bowl of cereal, it’s crazy. I could tell that they were really missing it too. In my prayers the other night I prayed that I would be able to meet their needs and spend more time with them. The next morning, BOTH babies stayed asleep for at least 30 minutes when I put them down–long enough for oatmeal for breakfast, airplane rides on my feet and lots of giggles. We all felt so happy and refreshed afterwards and I knew my prayer was answered! I was reminded that sometimes we just need to ask.

2. REST. As it is to be expected, I am quite tired lately. The other day was go-go-go. A sweet friend came over and tended my babies for a few hours while Ava and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I washed, picked up, and put away until my house looked clear again! (That’s another blessing-a clean house!!) It felt so good, but after that long day and an unusually long night with the babies, my body felt especially spent the next morning. But as I’ve noticed so much lately, just when I am really in need of something, when I’m nearing the end of my rope, I am given rest and the strength I need to keep chugging. The next day two sweet young women came over and took care of my babies so I could rest. I napped with Hyrum, which was a two-fold blessing because I got some sleep and time with my boy. He snuggled in so close to me, I know he’s been missing our time together too. These girls have been coming a few times a week and I have so much love for them! I can’t thank them enough. They help us so much.

3. RELIEF. Last night was one of our hardest nights. The girls have been congested the past week, so they wake up a lot in their sleep having a hard time breathing. Last night they had a lot of reflux in their sleep too, and when it would come out their nose it would make them more congested and wake them up. We hardly slept at all, with a total of two hours of sleep. 🙁 After their morning feeding they both fell asleep in their rock n plays, which was amazing! I prayed that they would stay asleep for even just 30 minutes so I could have some relief and get some things done. Well, they both woke up just a few minutes after falling asleep, and I tried relentlessly to get them to stay asleep. Finally I put them in their carseats so I could carry them both around or rock them on the front porch. Thea stayed asleep but Esther struggled through her reflux. After a few hours it was time to feed them again. I went to prepare a bottle quickly while Esther cried. Then the crying stopped. Those sweet young women had come over to help again today, and even though I had to wait a few hours for relief, they were the sweet answer to my prayer! They fed and held the babies while I cleaned and napped with Hyrum, and when I woke up, the babies were both sound asleep in their rock n plays, and they even stayed asleep (with some soothing in-between) for a few hours!! With Thea in my wrap I was able to make dinner (which hasn’t been possible in a long time!) And what’s even more amazing is that they fell asleep for the night just before nine and stayed asleep until 2am. Heavenly Father answers prayers. That is so comforting to me.

4. FRIENDS. Angels. Such good, good people so quick to serve, coming over for hours at a time to hold my babies, play with my kids, and bring us meals. Other friends and family have been sending messages and thoughtfulness from a distance to see how we are doing. We have been surrounded with so much kindness and support and we are so, so, grateful.

We’re doing well, because God’s blessings (and His angels!) are so very real.

Lately

2017-06-172017-06-22

Hey we’re still here! And our sweet babies arrived!

I have been wanting so much to update with all kinds of cute baby pictures and stories (and that will come) but I haven’t gotten around to it yet because well, I have newborn twins and a displaced toddler and a five year old seriously pushing back against the parenting that I’d been lacking the past few months on bedrest. That, and my computer died 🙁 …along with so many other essential electronic devices. Anybody else’s netflix not working? Or their VCR player? (probably don’t have one…) Or your printer? 😩

I’ve maxed out on memory cards and phone space waiting for my computer to get repaired so I can back it up to the cloud. But I just found out…my computer is not worth saving 🙁 so I will be getting a new one! (When I get around to it 😬) I definitely will be posting lots of cute baby pictures and stories eventually (it really is a sweet time, just so exhausting) but in the meantime, here is a little mamanote from the other day to give you a funny little glimpse into this life we’re living right now (highly doubt you’ll be jealous! haha)

Jake was carrying Esther to the couch when he sat down and looked at his feet. “I stepped in his poop. Can you wipe it off for me?”

A few minutes earlier we were sitting on our bed trying to soothe the babies when Hyrum came walking in with poop on his fingers and his foot. “Poop, Mom,” he said as he pointed with his goobered finger.

Horrified, I jumped up to shower him off while Jake went searching for the mess. Jake and the kids had just gotten home from swimming tonight while I stayed back with the twins. I spent the whole time trying to soothe two crying refluxing babies who both wanted to be held and spit up the moment they were set down (how does one person do that!?!)

I was so exhausted when he came back that I handed one off as soon as Jake got changed. Hyrum and Ava were still changing though, and Hyrum never got a new diaper on. Ava was going to put it on him (bless that 5 year old!) but she was in the room with us wanting to help with the babies and Hyrum went somewhere else.

Then he returned a few minutes later 😧🙈😩.

We found the original mess, but not before Jake stepped in the residue of it 😂.
We got it all cleaned up, managed to fix bowls of cereal and fried eggs for dinner (best we’ve got lately), walked the messy floor for an hour, listened to Ava cry that we couldn’t start a movie at 10pm, then tucked the older kids in bed three hours past their bedtime, hoping the babies would finally settle in bed soon too.

A few hours into this chaos Hyrum asked, “Where’d Grammy go?”

It had been only seven hours since we dropped her off at the airport and I was wondering the same thing.

My angel mother has been with us for the past three and a half weeks, cleaning, cooking, holding, changing, –helping with everything, and she went back home today. I’ve been a little teary wondering how we’re going to do it without her. I was barely managing with her here. Newborn twins with reflux is so much more than a one person job!! It’s taking everything I’ve got.

When we told Hyrum Grammy went back home, he got this sad look on his face and repeated, “Grammy went back home.”

Our house is feeling a little more empty and a lot more disheveled, but somehow I know we’ll make it through. It will all work out. We’re going to do a lot of praying and a whole lot of trying, and we’re just going to do it. 💪👊