It’s Alright Mom

2018-12-062018-12-06

I pulled up to Ava’s dance studio six minutes late, again (and again and again ). As she crawled over the backseat to the door I said to her, “I’m sorry Ava, please tell your teacher I’m sorry that you’re late. Someday your mother will get you here on time.”

I had such a heaviness of heart. I was dragging behind on so many things and had a hard time holding up against the whines and tears and messes overlapping all day. I had just listened to a twenty minute meltdown about not having enough goldfish for a snack and if I could have, I would have slumped to the floor of my suv while dropping her off late, again.

All is well, it really is, but some days are just really hard to hold up, despite that.

Ava leaned over to open the door and responded in a kind voice, “It’s alright mom.”

If you can picture the kindness in her eyes, it was just what I needed.

She offered me the mercy I was withholding from myself and I marveled at the simple power of it to help me see what I was really lacking— not effort, but grace. I’m still going to try to be on time to her class next week, but I’m going to try to adopt her kindness in the meantime, even for myself. #mamanotes

Settling

2018-11-29

We got back from our trip late Saturday night and it was so wonderful, I still can’t believe we were able to experience all that and I am excited to share some of that too (once I get my bearings again :). The last few days we’ve been settling back into things at home and it has definitely taken some settling.

Monday I watched as the dishes piled and the floor decorated with clothes and things strewn from our bags and cupboards and bins. I moved slowly preparing meals and caring for the kids and rested between the carpet and the couch while my kids took turns needing me. I was tired too. We all let go with feelings that needed to be felt and comforted. We cycled through many meltdowns over small things, that were probably an accumulation of bigger things, and I was calm inside, having already created space for this, ignoring all the other to-do’s. Today was just for this.

At one point Ava was quite upset and I gave her the option to rest in her room and color or to cuddle on the couch with me, and she stewed for a minute, then came running toward me with her arms out and her eyes still closed in tears. She fell asleep cuddled next to me like that.

Every time they needed me, I was there, or tried to be, and I rejoiced in being home with them, as tired as I was. I missed them so.

So while our house unraveled some, we grew together more, and perhaps refilled some too.

It was a day off the treadmill and apart from much of any fun “doing” or getting “done,” and it was also a day of strong emotions and tears for all of them, so it surprised me when at the end of the day Ava said in her prayers, “Thank you for this wonderful day and for all our wonderful days.”

She went on to say thanks for many more things and I felt too, what a gift it was. #mamanotes

For All the Hard Things

2018-10-262018-11-03

For all the hard things in my parenting experience, there is far more good. I’m convinced that family life is a powerful, intentional crucible for experience, LOVE, and profound growth.

I cried to Jake on the phone the other day while the babies napped and the kids watched a movie in the other room. I had these feelings I was trying to sort out earlier in the day and their energetic little bodies followed me into each room I quietly slipped into. I guess the feelings never got sorted out because I ended up in tears, but I felt just fine after talking it through and letting it go, when I had the moment to.

Sometimes when I’m going from one dumped cup to another crying child and then to the sink to clean out poopy underwear I think there’s just no way to recount the series of events involved in each day of raising young children. It’s hard work and it’s hard to explain.

But that is so very much with the way I feel about it too. It’s hard to explain how fulfilled I am by it. How much I love it. Or how grateful I am to have them— they are the greatest blessings the way they fill cracks in my heart and refine my soul and paint life with the happiest joys. They are beams of light in our home and every whisp of curl and fold of skin and the sweet, silly way they do things and learn things brings me wonder at the beautiful creation of life! And how blessed I feel to be a part of it.

Glad I get to fill bellies and nurture hearts and be the one they want to follow into every room. It is such a gift.

#mamanotes

mama notes

2018-06-28

We walked through the garden in the park to this shady patch of trees. My favorite places are the simple ones we find, places we can run free and play without a lot of people around— off the beaten path you’d say. They become special to us, we return again and make it that way.

The babies muddied their toes in piles of dirt and yellow petals and the older two climbed the little stone wall to be closer to the sprinklers. They’d dance and laugh in anticipation, then squeal in delight once pummeled with spray.

I watched in delight too. It’s one of my favorite things watching my kids play together.

I’ve been so happy lately. It’s as though every plant or person or cloud in the sky lights me up inside, and the hard things aren’t getting me down as easily. I’m just so grateful! It’s my season perhaps. Maybe it’s the sunshine, the outdoor play, or our time with so many loved ones. Perhaps so many other things too, but I am finding such joy in this time of our lives I hardly have time to find anything else. #mamanotes

We took the Trax to dinner tonight, all six of us. Jake and I were a little nervous as we set everyone up to the table, hoping we’d all finish eating before the babies started squealing. They eat so fast. But they all did so great! —and we all really enjoyed it. We were so happy about that. We love being out and about together.

We headed back on the train and split up at the mall. Jake walked with the kids to the grocery store to get some snacks and treats for our movie night, and I walked around with the twins. The babies were tired and restless, but as we walked closer to our building I heard the echo of singing at the street corner. I strollered the twins toward the girl singing on the corner, and we stood there and listened to her sweet music along with the couple on their bikes and the men in their suits and the theatre guests on the outside balcony across the street. So many people coming and going and stopping to listen. She had such a gift!

The evening air was warm and breezy, not just the feel of it, but the color of it too, all amber and warm. The sun was on its way down, and I just stood there taking it all in— the music, the people, the feeling. The babies sat there too all calm like me for those few minutes we paused, and I just couldn’t help but feel so happy. Perhaps they were enjoying it just as much as me. #mamanotes

Good Things to Come

2018-05-092018-05-09

There’s a lilac tree behind our old house in North Dakota that blooms this time of year. We first arrived there in the fall and its leaves were green and soon to turn. Little did we know that it would bloom in the loveliest shades of purple just a few months later.

At the end of our first [cold and windy] winter we anxiously waited for new life on the trees and leaped in excitement when all the tiny buds started to appear. We wondered what kind of tree this would be, and waited, hopefully, for flowers. Then it sprouted little leaves! —then tiny blossoms that grew and puffed into copious shapes of butterflies! It was beautiful and refreshing and we loved it so much.

It was our favorite tree. It gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for such good things to come. And there were so many good things that came. Long days in the sun, dear friends, new landscapes, and sweet time together. And of course the happiest news of our twins to be.

Then the winter came again. It swept the branches bare and gave some very dark, cold days. It was long and hard and I was very much pregnant with twins. I often looked through my kitchen window to find a blue bird or a bunny finding comfort under those branches, as if to bring me comfort too.

We left for Utah in early April when snow still covered the roads and fresh color seemed elusive. The twins were born in May and with their blessed arrival we began a trying journey through what Jake and I would call three of the hardest months of our lives. Rest was elusive for all of us, and the babies struggled so much in their little bodies. It was hard to see a light of normalcy ahead.

One week in, we returned to our home in ND and there found the prettiest purple blossoms welcoming us home. This simple backyard bush gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for good things to come. And there have been so many good things. Two healthy little girls, three states to explore, four times the strength I’m guessing we used to have, and a joy greater than we could have imagined. We couldn’t be more grateful for where it all has brought us. Definitely closer, and surely blessed. #mamanotes