Tuesday

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Sunday. Hyrum fell asleep on the way home, so I carried him up to his crib, got Ava a snack, then rested on the family room couch. I was soon asleep, and woke only briefly when Jake came home. He went downstairs to watch scripture videos with Ava, and I went back to sleep. I woke to the sound of Hyrum stepping down the stairs, one at a time, his elephant hanging from his hand, calling, “ma!” in his little raspy wake up voice. We went downstairs to find Jake and Ava asleep, so we put on our shoes and wandered out back for a little walk by the pasture near our house. Hyrum stopped and squated to observe every moving thing, every grasshopper, cricket, and ant. And he loved to watch the horses. “Mom, orse, neigh!” he’d say.

We had breakfast for dinner, I burned the bacon so we opened the doors and windows before the smoke alarm went off. All the flies came in. After dinner at Ava’s request, we went outside to the trampoline to watch the sunset. So many giggles playing out there. In true Schellenberg fashion, Jake was jumping and rolling in his Sunday best. The kids loved having him home. We stayed until the sun went down and the colors got brighter, then huddled downstairs to watch home movies. Hyrum wandered around the room most of the time, but Ava seemed so captivated, smiling as she watched her 1 year old self babbling away.

It’s Tuesday now, but I wanted to write that down to remember it. Surely the day was not without meltdowns and messes, but it was our together time, the four of us, and it was so good as simple as that. #mamanotes

Monday. I sat against the garage with my recipe book and sticky pad, waiting for Ava’s bus and trying to come up with a menu for the week. I like planning the meals, and a new recipe sounds like fun until the end of the day when I’m so tired that tuna sandwiches sounds like a great idea. So tuna sandwiches it was!

I packed steamed veggies in a tupperware, grabbed a can of pineapple, and wrapped some forks in napkins and we had ourselves a nice little picnic at the park! Jake replaced the tire on my bike when he got home, so we packed the picnic supplies in the back of Hyrum’s bike trailer, and biked around for a bit before stopping to eat at the park. Ava ate mostly pineapple and Hyrum ate everything. The sun went down quickly so we didn’t stay long. For family home evening we talked about the story of the Ten Lepers and how God gives us miracles and blessings too–then we went outside and looked at the stars with Jake’s new super laser pointer. It kind of scares me how strong it is, but the kids loved it.

Lately the kids have had a hard time getting to sleep because Hyrum keeps getting out of his crib. A lot of times he rolls out onto Ava’s bed, but then they chat and giggle or tease and neither of them gets to sleep. Well last night they fell asleep in the same bed! Hyrum was kind of on top of her all sprawled out, but it was the cutest thing. We put him in his crib, then retired for the night ourselves at 9:30! That’s been our goal for a LONG time and it felt pretty good to stick to it. #mamanotes

Surrender your perfectionism

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We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

When he does the dishes.

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I was at the sink washing dishes when Jake came home.

“It smells so good in here.”

“Your soup is in the microwave, I just reheated it for you.”

He moved aside the kids’ dinner plates and set his bowl on top of the crumbs.

“How was work?

“It was good.”

“Was it busy?”

“Yeah there’s a lot to do, but not as busy as I thought it was going to be.”

“That’s good.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing ok. I don’t know why, I’m just struggling today… I work so hard at one thing, and then feel bad for neglecting all the other things. I’ve been working on this one thing a lot today, and the kids have been needing me left and right. And I start feeling all tense because I can’t get this thing done and then I feel totally guilty because maybe I should have been giving them more attention…And these plates have been sitting at the bottom of the sink for a week and I still can’t get to them. Why can’t I just wash these plates?”

I went on.

He listened as he ate his soup. “You’re doing great. You’re doing so great.”

“Then why don’t I feel that way?”

He rinsed his bowl off in the sink, grabbed an apron from the drawer, and put his arm around me. “Go lie down on the couch for a bit. I got this.”

He started washing and I started picking up the toys and clothes and shoes in the family room, because we all know I can’t really rest until everything’s picked up and done.

When the room was clean I walked over to where the carpet meets the kitchen floor. “I’m sorry for kind of messing up our date night. I’ve just had a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I haven’t gotten ready or anything.”

He turned to face me as he rinsed another plate. “Don’t worry about it. They’re not messed up, just go upstairs and put on your nice jeans and braid your hair or something. You look great.”

I changed my clothes and started braiding my hair in the bathroom near the kitchen. My hair was knotted from being in and out of a bun for a few days, not ideal for a french braid. I got halfway down my head, my fingers weaved through my hair to hold the braid in place, and a giant snarl was balled up underneath. I walked over to Jake at the sink, one hand with a brush and the other still tangled in my hair. “Can you help me?”

He dried his hands and carefully separated, pulled, and brushed until the strands were free and I could finish my braid.

“Thank you.”

I finished braiding, and he finished washing.

He then showered and got dressed and met me on the family room floor where we raced each other laying cards down in a few games of speed (he won every time) and argued over whose hand slapped the pile first in Egyptian Rat’s Crew (I won). We raised our voices and threw out accusations and couldn’t keep from laughing every time those sevens came around and we had to slap the pile again. We pushed the boundary on card-slapping hand hovering, if there ever was one.

Then we cleaned up the cards and searched Netflix. He got the snacks and drinks, and we settled on a drama because last time he got to choose it. It was long. We cuddled under a blanket and tried our best to stay awake.

We ended the night with I love you, the kind that means “I’m grateful for you, I really care about you, and I’m really glad I get to go through life with you.”

When we first got married I wondered when our giddy in love, couldn’t stop thinking about each other, honeymoon-phase would end. Not because I wanted it to, just because I heard it always does. Married life is hard, they’d say. It’s great, but it gets real and it takes work. People congratulated us on our wedding, then sent us on our way hoping that we’d make it work.

And we have. We’ve made it work wonderfully well. I wouldn’t call it giddy in love, and we’re certainly not in la-la land anymore, but I can say with complete honesty that after seven years together I am happier than I’ve ever been and even more in-love with him than I was when we got married, by a long shot. We are complements and companions for each other. It’s great. When he’s down I help him up, and when I’m down, he sits and listens, then does the dishes. We’ve learned how to really help one another, and we’re still learning.

I don’t care if marriage takes work because life with him is sweeter.

Sometimes we sit down and plan our lives together. And we get excited about it! How great it is that we have a companion for everything? –for every road trip and movie night, but also for the hard stuff–the decisions, the parenting, and the self doubt. Life’s hard, and that’s what makes marriage such a blessing, we get to go through everything together–every smooth sail and sour patch. And when things do go sour, we turn to each other, not away, even when we don’t feel like it.

We’re in it for the long haul and couldn’t be happier about it.

Since we’ve been married, I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could, or even needed to. And oh how I’ve needed to! We’ve completely given our lives to each other–melded our lives together, yet I am actually more “me” than I’ve ever been. I understand myself better, my strengths and my weaknesses, and I’m happier too. I’m grateful that it does take work, because in the process of working at it I feel like we are both becoming better people. And maybe I’m still in la-la land on this, but it doesn’t seem much like work anymore.

I’m sure our marriage has its shortcomings, but it’s blessed my life enough to give me some understanding of what purpose it is meant to have, and what a blessing it is meant to be.

Remember how God said “Neither is man without the woman neither the woman without the man in the Lord?” and that we are created that we “might have joy?” These two things go together–perfectly. Marriage is meant to bring us joy because it gives us a committed companion, a loyal friend, and a constant support–especially in parenting. It gives us someone to talk to, to care for, to rely on. Someone who feels the same way too. Marriage gives us someone who knows us the best and loves us the most, someone who helps us see where we can improve, and inspires us to want to do so. And God has ordained marriage, which means that we can have heaven’s help in making it work–making it work wonderfully well.

It is clear to me that this union is more than just a good idea, an elusive goal, or a social construct. It is a divine union for an eternal good, and it is central to the creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Surely it is not just meant to “work,” but to work wonderfully well.

So I am grateful for marriage and for family life, even when the kids are needy and he doesn’t do the dishes. I’m glad I get to spend forever with them. We are learning and growing in ways we never thought we could, and our joys have never been greater.

Some of our favorite places

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Every 6 months–after watching General Conference–my soul is FILLED–overflowing even with light and joy and just a really good feeling about life and how I can make it better. It’s true that faith is SUBSTANCE of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1) because I have felt it. The Spirit of God is all the evidence I need. I felt it all weekend as the Spirit witnessed to me of the beautiful truths that were taught. Along with millions around the world who watched the LDS General Conference this weekend, I am feeling the truth of Paul’s words–that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance…” (Galatians 5) We are so BLESSED that there are living prophets and apostles on the Earth today! I am so grateful to be a member of this church! Did you miss it? Check it out at lds.org

Also, as you have probably noticed, we made a wall display of pictures of some of our favorite places (in all the places we’ve lived/meaningful places.) The Temple! We love it so much. We have been so blessed to live within an hour of an LDS temple wherever we have lived. It is always a good day when we go to the temple. Heaven is a little closer there, and we can feel it.

I love having these pictures in my family room. It’s a beautiful reminder of so many good things–the promises we’ve made as well as the blessings we are promised! These blessings are everything I could ever hope for, including the opportunity to be together with my family forever–through this life and into the next with only death to separate us temporarily. And then on to a life of eternal JOY together with our Heavenly parents and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Could there be anything better?! No wonder we find such peace in the encouragement and reminders we receive at General Conference–reminders of how we should live to have happiness here and forever. They are truths, and that’s why they make us feel so good.

Mom I told Him how I was feeling!

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The Lord Shall Fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14

Today I was on my knees when Ava asked me, “Mom, why do moms and dads say prayers when it’s not bedtime and they’re not eating food?”

I’ve been trying to teach her more about the meaning of prayer. Sometimes I don’t think that she realizes that when she is praying, she is actually talking to her Heavenly Father, that He is there, and that He is listening. Sometimes she is reluctant to say prayers, she just doesn’t feel like it.

The other night I suggested that she just talk to Him, tell him about her day and how she is feeling. She looked at me, contemplating it for a moment, and then she did. When she was done she said to me excitedly, “Mom I told Him how I was feeling!”

When I asked her if she was going to say her bedtime prayer last night she went right ahead and told Him a little about her day and how she was feeling. “I did it again Mom!”

So today I told her that I was praying because I really needed to tell Him how I was feeling. I told her that I needed some help, so I wanted to talk to Him.

I was having a moment of asking “Why isn’t this working out? I’m really trying, and I’m having a hard time with this and that. Please help me have patience. Please strengthen me.”

You know what I love about prayer? When I really pray from my heart, really tell Him how I am feeling, I feel a little better–just by praying. I can feel that He is really there, really listening, and somehow that is healing, just that. I imagine that’s how Ava felt the other night when she happily exclaimed that she told Him how she was feeling.

But the glorious thing is that He doesn’t just listen, He answers. Many times it’s not right away, and many times it is so subtle that if we aren’t actively seeking it, we may miss it. And most times, we have to simply move forward, trusting that He heard us. And with that faith, we will feel His peaceful reassurances and His gentle guidance little by little, in His time. And they come, they always do.

Well, while I was praying I was reminded of some words from the scriptures–words which I had read, loved, and even wrote about the other day. Isn’t it funny how we can feel so sure about something one day, and need the same kind of reassurance just days later? Or even just a gentle reminder? That is definitely me.

So I read it again.

When I was reading in Exodus the other day I came across this scripture that I never really noticed before, and I loved it. I thought, this is perfect for me and all my anxious, worried, impatient thoughts.

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

Some background–Moses had just led the children of Israel out of Egypt into the wilderness. Some time after, Pharaoh and his armies pursued after them and the Israelites were terrified at the sight. They cried out to the Lord and to Moses with all their questions and their doubts. Surely, they assumed, they were headed to their death.

It was like in an instant their faith was trampled by their urgent needs and fears. It was like they threw their hands up saying, “See! It’s not working out! We tried and it’s not working out.”

That’s when Moses reassured the people, urging them to bolster their faith and trust in their God. “Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today… The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

And as we know, they did see the salvation of the Lord. The Red Sea parted at the command of their prophet, whose power came from that God in whom he trusted. Their way was illuminated for the next little while, enough to get them through safely. And so their faith was strengthened to lean on again, to give them the courage to move forward at times when they could not see the way, times when the ground wasn’t dry.

Oh how we all are like those fearful Israelites at times when the way looks too unknown, when we just don’t know how things will all work out. We dance and rejoice at the start of our journey, ever hopeful, with the promised land prominent in our minds. The journey doesn’t begin easy, but we are faithful and trust that it will all work out.

And then the problems come. We arrive at the banks of the Red Sea and we feel stuck. We are afraid to move forward and to keep trusting when things just don’t seem to be working out. We feel to say to our Heavenly Father, “I tried living that way, I tried following that impression, I tried praying, I tried having faith and it’s just not working out.”

Waves of uncertainties block our pathway. But at the same time, we are reminded from behind that a fearful retreat to Pharoah’s armies would forfeit our hope for a promised land. We would be enslaved once again to our old way of doing things–our meager faith, our complacency, our bad habits and addictions, our unhappiness. And our escape would only be harder the next time. And sometimes we do choose to go back. We decide to do it all on our own.

But sometimes we let the words of our loving prophet rekindle the flame of our faith and we “fear not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord.” We trust He who created us, who once taught us in our heavenly home that if we would walk uprightly, search diligently, pray always, and be believing, all things would work together for our good here on Earth. We lay our burdens and our fears at the feet of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we hold our peace. We move forward by His light, trust in His grace, and witness the Lord fight for us to make it through safely.

And so we remain faithful. We recognize His mercies, walking ever more eager to seek guidance from above on our way to the promised land.

And He leads us there. He always does. And we are all the better for it.

So now I’m feeling especially grateful for prayer and the scriptures and His gentle reminders. It will all work out, it always does.