Tuesday

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Sunday. Hyrum fell asleep on the way home, so I carried him up to his crib, got Ava a snack, then rested on the family room couch. I was soon asleep, and woke only briefly when Jake came home. He went downstairs to watch scripture videos with Ava, and I went back to sleep. I woke to the sound of Hyrum stepping down the stairs, one at a time, his elephant hanging from his hand, calling, “ma!” in his little raspy wake up voice. We went downstairs to find Jake and Ava asleep, so we put on our shoes and wandered out back for a little walk by the pasture near our house. Hyrum stopped and squated to observe every moving thing, every grasshopper, cricket, and ant. And he loved to watch the horses. “Mom, orse, neigh!” he’d say.

We had breakfast for dinner, I burned the bacon so we opened the doors and windows before the smoke alarm went off. All the flies came in. After dinner at Ava’s request, we went outside to the trampoline to watch the sunset. So many giggles playing out there. In true Schellenberg fashion, Jake was jumping and rolling in his Sunday best. The kids loved having him home. We stayed until the sun went down and the colors got brighter, then huddled downstairs to watch home movies. Hyrum wandered around the room most of the time, but Ava seemed so captivated, smiling as she watched her 1 year old self babbling away.

It’s Tuesday now, but I wanted to write that down to remember it. Surely the day was not without meltdowns and messes, but it was our together time, the four of us, and it was so good as simple as that. #mamanotes

Monday. I sat against the garage with my recipe book and sticky pad, waiting for Ava’s bus and trying to come up with a menu for the week. I like planning the meals, and a new recipe sounds like fun until the end of the day when I’m so tired that tuna sandwiches sounds like a great idea. So tuna sandwiches it was!

I packed steamed veggies in a tupperware, grabbed a can of pineapple, and wrapped some forks in napkins and we had ourselves a nice little picnic at the park! Jake replaced the tire on my bike when he got home, so we packed the picnic supplies in the back of Hyrum’s bike trailer, and biked around for a bit before stopping to eat at the park. Ava ate mostly pineapple and Hyrum ate everything. The sun went down quickly so we didn’t stay long. For family home evening we talked about the story of the Ten Lepers and how God gives us miracles and blessings too–then we went outside and looked at the stars with Jake’s new super laser pointer. It kind of scares me how strong it is, but the kids loved it.

Lately the kids have had a hard time getting to sleep because Hyrum keeps getting out of his crib. A lot of times he rolls out onto Ava’s bed, but then they chat and giggle or tease and neither of them gets to sleep. Well last night they fell asleep in the same bed! Hyrum was kind of on top of her all sprawled out, but it was the cutest thing. We put him in his crib, then retired for the night ourselves at 9:30! That’s been our goal for a LONG time and it felt pretty good to stick to it. #mamanotes

Surrender your perfectionism

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We went to the sunflowers the other day to take some pictures. We are surrounded by stretching, rolling, breathtaking fields of sunflowers in this area of North Dakota and I wanted to document that somehow. I have this anxious stir inside me to fully capture my favorite parts of life, and our time together here in ND is one of them.

But I also have this thing about me, this drive inside me to always do my best. Call it perfectionism if you will, this drive has helped me achieve top grades, make nice things, and receive the beaming validation I crave deep down. But it has never really satisfied me on the happy side. I often have to give up other things that matter a lot to get it (like my time, my energy, and my goodness it’s stressful.) I’m working on challenging it and letting go, but it’s so engrained in me. It’s taking time.

So the sunflowers. We drove into North Dakota for the first time last year at the peak of the sunflowers. I was in awe, and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Well, moving in took most of our time and energy and by the time I felt settled enough to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the sunflowers were drooping, brown, and dry. I determined that next year I would catch them when they were just right, and get these cute pictures and video of the kids playing in them to remember our time here in this state.

Well it’s sunflower season again. When we got back from Utah, I started thinking about taking those pictures. There were lots of fields to choose from, I almost couldn’t decide which to go to. I wanted to go to the best one. We planned to go a few different days, but things got in the way or I wasn’t up for it. So we decided on a day last week and stuck to it. That was the problem though. I had too much time to think about it and plan it out. Because if I was going to do it, I was going to give it my best effort–simply because I could. That drive really takes over sometimes.

So when the day came, I bathed the kids and laid out their clothes, and even made sure Ava didn’t put her hair up in a ponytail so her hair wouldn’t get kinked. It seems so silly to me now, but at the time I just thought, if I could make the effort, why not?

Then Jake had to stay at work longer than expected, so when he got home we rushed the kids in the car to make it there before the sun went down. Unfortunately perfectionism breeds indecisiveness. I couldn’t even decide which field to go to while we were on our way! We turned around a few times, and tensions mounted as the sun inched its way closer to the horizon. Ava fell asleep after five minutes.Finally we arrived and parked on the side of the road. The grass was a lot taller than it looked from the road, and Ava would NOT walk through it (we’ve warned her so much about ticks in tall grass in the past, and she was not going to risk it.) It didn’t help that Jake mentioned to watch out for snakes as I made my way in. Hyrum fed off her worries, and screamed too. So there I was tromping through the prairie grass with two crying kids clinging to my neck. Somehow this was not what I pictured. I did everything I thought I could to make these pictures the best they could be, but somehow all my worrying and stressing didn’t make it happen.

I brought Ava back to the car, took a few pictures with Hyrum (and did everything we could to distract him and make him happy out there,) and counted it unsuccessful.

We still managed some pretty pictures, but the moments weren’t all that pretty. What I mean is, my high expectations spurred the negativity, the stress, the tension. And frankly, it didn’t turn out to be a moment I really wanted to capture anyway. I’m glad I got some pictures of the beautiful landscape, but that was all. That happens a lot when I let this “thing” get in the way.

Jake goes with the flow. He rarely stresses, worries, or overthinks. So often he reminds me to let it go, let it be, let it happen, and when I do, I feel so at peace, like I’m really overcoming something. Because frankly, this perfectionistic mindset has been driving for a long time. It feels so good to let go, to let things be and enjoy them as they come. Grateful to him for that.

After the shoot I told Jake that I want to try again maybe during the day sometime–that I’ll just take the kids out to a field that doesn’t have such tall grass and get some fun pictures with them happy in it and all. This morning looked like a good day for that, and I thought about it.

But we didn’t. I gave it up. This time I surrendered my perfectionism, and I’m really glad I did. The kids and I went on a little nature walk out on the path behind our backyard instead. We stopped to watch the ants scurry, the butterflies flutter, and the grasshoppers jump into the grass. We listened to the crickets and ran from a bee. We called out to the horses in the pasture, and waited for them to come to us so we could pet their soft noses and feel of their goodness. We passed a pretty green meadow, a rolled up hay bale, and a field of sunflowers. We stopped to admire them, then went on our way.

It was freeing, light, and peaceful. It felt so good to let it go and just enjoy.

While on our walk Ava said to me, “Mom this is a fun walk. I really like this.” And I really did too.

I have this little piece of notebook paper that I keep in my scriptures. I wrote down a number of notes in it while listening to a talk a few years ago. I probably wrote down some of what the speaker said, but mostly thoughts and impressions that came to me, thoughts I believe were divine instruction just for me. I keep it in my scriptures and refer to it often because those words are often just what I need to overcome some of my greatest challenges, some of the things most holding me back from greater things. One of the notes says this,

“Surrender your perfectionism. It’s slowing you down and keeping you from your potential. It’s keeping you from doing things that will make you happy.”

How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost, for His gentle guidance to better things. I still have a ways to go to fully surrender, but I’m trying. Dropping things one at a time. And I’m learning that following these divine impressions really does bring me the most joy. I’m learning that the times I give up my will, I’m more open to His will, and that always makes me happier.

Ether 12:27 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weakthings become strong unto them.”

Do you take comfort in this scripture? I really do.

I also appreciated this little excerpt from a talk by Neal A. Maxwell, April 1988…

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around! Yet our Deliverer assures us: ‘be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours’ (D&C 78:18)…Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences.”

I find great comfort in that reminder. Because of His sacrifice for us He can lead us along, and because of His perfect love and mercy, He does. Even in the little things.

Land of the Free, Home of the Brave

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The four of us were in town at Old Navy the other day and I saw these cute patriotic shirts. It’s kind of silly that they were $8 each, but I loved the message and how often can I get matching shirts for my 1 year old boy and 4 year old girl!? Jake was even on board to get them (I think it was the patriotic thing. )

A little while ago Ava was wearing her shirt, and since she changes her outfit an average of four times a day, I figured if I wanted pictures I should probably act fast and put Hyrum in his! So in the middle of making pancakes with my neighbor, we went outside on the back porch to grab a few. I offered chocolate chips and popsicles, but in typical mom style, I didn’t manage one with both really smiling. Ha! I still love what we came out with. The light was beautiful out there. I could take pictures of them all day!

“And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A!”
-Lee Greenwood

Here’s to this country that we sincerely love. Regardless of present circumstances, we are most certainly proud to be American. Happy Fourth of July weekend friends!

“May we think of freedom not as the right to do as we please but as the opportunity to do what is right.” -Peter Marshall

When You Wonder How to Do It

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To my daughter when you wonder how to do it,

Someday you may be a mother. You may be finishing off your kids’ quesadillas with crumbs stuck to your feet, knots in your hair, and strawberry smudges on your shirt. And you may be wondering, how did she do it? How did my mom do this?

I’ll tell you how I’m doing it.

I am sitting in my kitchen finishing off my kids’ quesadillas with crumbs stuck to my feet, knots in my hair, and strawberry smudges on my shirt. I am playing hide and seek, peek-a-boo, and red-light green-light, over and over. I am waiting for nap-time, snacking before dinner time, and putting off bedtime. I am giving kisses, filling bellies, and cleaning up messes, multiple times a day. I am doubting, stressing, and snapping from time to time. And I am tired. Mothering is a lot of work.

But I am happy.

I am happy to cuddle dreamers, encourage thinkers, and sing lullabies before bed. I am happy to give rides in laundry baskets, inspire good choices, and teach you how to pray. I am happy to have all of these stretching, testing, beautiful experiences that refine me and teach me. Happy to share all of it with you.

I am having the greatest time just watching you little ones be little. You are doing amazing things! I never thought I’d be so enthralled with babbling words, chubby cheeks, and bikes without training wheels. But I am! And you are just as excited that I’m right there with you, smiling back, picking you up, and cheering you on.

I get to care for you, teach you, and love you. And oh how I love you.

I get to be your mom.

And I am grateful for that, because someday I may be a Grandma. I may be stirring up a batch of chocolate chip cookies in a beautifully clean kitchen, with a hand-sewn apron tied around my waist. I may be reminiscing about this beautiful time in my life, perhaps wishing I could go back, even just for a moment. Someday you may be too.

So keep eating those quesadillas, filling those bellies, and giving those kisses. What you are doing is the best thing you could be doing. At times we all wonder how they did it, or how we’re supposed to do it, but maybe that isn’t as important. Perhaps what’s most important is to simply to do our best and enjoy it while we can.

*A quick afterthought… I was looking up some family history online today on familysearch.org and found this little gem of encouragement from my own mother and great grandmother! It’s from a talk my mom gave at her grandmother’s funeral.

She said, “Many times when I have been frustrated with the job of raising eight very active children and I feel that I have done absolutely nothing significant any particular day, Grandma’s wise words have come into my mind–‘You have gotten those children one day older–and sometimes that’s quite an accomplishment!’ I can’t count the times that thought has sustained me and encouraged me to try again another day.”

How neat is that!? It seems these feelings are universal, we all feel them at times. I just think it’s funny that I found that online, of all places. 🙂 Familysearch.org is so neat!

Mothering Me

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The other day I showed my young neighbor how to take pictures with my “big camera”. I love what she captured. No make-up, patched knee-d, farmers tanned, mothering me. This is totally me. And I couldn’t be happier.